..to give more than half of your life to one organization. dedication, hard work and caring. to just be..kicked out. tell me...how does that feel?

am i that easy to forget?

i just don't understand what i'm supposed to do either. u say i put u through a guilt trip, but by saying that, i get put through a guilt trip as well. We were doing so well. is that feeling still there? will this even work? are we willing to talk this shit out and make it better, or are we gonna be dumb at let these two years go to waste? i don't need expensive dinners, and i don't need presents, all i need is you to be there for me, listen to me, and just have my back. although surprises are nice, and just simple surprises..visit me at dance? come to school one of these days? be at my house before i get home? but i know thats a lot to ask. but still...pay attention to me, some things i say are important. i realise some things u do, and i know solutions that can make them easier for you. but am i supposed to tell u, would u even listen to me? or should i just let u learn the hard way. yeah, i complain to you about school..but hell, theres a lot to complain about. that doesn't mean all private schools are bad, you can't just judge everything just because i said some stuff. our school just happens to be in the shit hole cuz of our dumbass principal. i'm similiar to u in the sense that i make friends easily, although i feel like i am more myself then u. ur into fads and u worry about what ppl think. who gives a damn fuck what ppl think, if they don't like u, they don't like u, nothing to do about it. and if they think something of u, then let it be. yeah..i see ur friends more than u see mine, but thats cuz i can't invite u to my school events cuz thats putting to much pressure on u or something. to me, it would be nice to see if u really cared about the little things in my life, and not just urs. like..how was my day. its dunb..but its a nice question to be asked. and its wierd for me to just bust out and be like.well my day was blah blah. i understand the way u think, the way u feel, and the way u analyse shit. i got taht down like the back of my hand, but girls are more difficult. am i supposed to tell u all the things u need to do to make things right? should u figure that our on ur own, what the hell am i supposed to do? i hate being cut off, i hate hate hate it, let me finish what imma say damnit. i have my last concert coming up, i didn't even mention it to u, i would love it if u went. but i know u don't wanna...so i didn't ask u. should i have asked? i know u'll end up falling asleep or playing a game. be open to some stuff i wanna do, i actually wanna go to a beach, and just sit there with u, i would like a picnic, and go on another date, i would like to just hang out and be normal. y can't we be "normal"? although i like being an oddball like half the time, but its just tiring dealing with this shit. but hey..who am i to complain, from what you hear..my life is god damn perfect. u dunno what i do at dance, u dunno what i do at school, u dunno what i do at home, and u dunno what i do with frieds, i wish u knew. but its not one of the things i can just tell u, its not a random ass conversation, it needs to be brought up. u do all this stuff with all ur friends, u dunno how lucky u are. like seriously..i KNOW u don't need this now, but tough luck. at least i'm typing it out and not talking it out. its just frustrating, iono what to do or say ever, a part of me wants to be with u, and a part of me wants to take a break. that whole prom thing, i know u were not gonna b her date or anything, but its not that, its the principle. u didn't tell me the whole story that there was another girl involved. even if u WERE gonna just ditch her. same with me, i woulda just sat at the table..but at least i told u. same thing with the movie, i'll watch it eventually, but its the damn principle. u..forgot me. i guess i am that easy to forget. just writing this is making me feel guilty, cuz then ur gonna read it and all this stuff. u dunno how easily guilty i get. y don't u come over more often? y do i always go over to ur place. yeah ur place is more fun, but still, it would be nice if u came over more. it makes me feel like i'm doing all the work. i don't tell u my hw, i don't tell u my projects BECAUSE i feel guilty about complaining to you about that. cuz then ur just gonna say that u have more, and it makes me feel stupid. u make ur life out to be more miserable than mine, and financially yeah..urs is. but hey, socially we're in the same damn boat, but u have more freedom. maybe thats not what u want, maybe u want someone there to say that u can't do this and u can't do that. and i know i want someone to say i can do this and i can do that. maybe thats our difference. i just know that we're very different from each other. it takes two to fight, so all of this is not just on me. we have to talk this out, somehow. we need to come to a compromise, hell no its not that easy, but its a start. like damn...just don't forget me. i just don't understand. i'm ur girlfriend, i love u and u love me, and u..forget me. DAMN that makes me feel good...shit. y am i getting yelled at for something that u did, or is it my fault for not telling u all this shit before it got big. just learn to handle ur time and set ur priorities. THAT DOES NOT MEAN give up ur friends, or forget school. and NO! it doesn't not sound like thats what i mean, its not. stop putting words in my mouth. i'm just saying that u need to know when u should relax, when u should play ur games, when u should do hw. if u think about it..u don't get that much hw, u just wait till the last minute. u may not know that, but i notice it. like..maybe i'm working to hard in this relationship and i should lighten up. i guess i can try that, but i don't wanna. i WANT this to work out..i really really do, but its just so hard when i feel like i'm the only one doing stuff. HINT: come over to my place, ask me how my day was, randomly call me, randomly text me, visit me, surprise me, just...don't be lazy. and i decided...committing suicide is outta the quesiton, from my POV, thats the chicken shit way out. face ur problems head on, don't beat around the bush, cuz then if u die like that...ppl wonder what happened or what made u insane, not the good things. and if u do...then all u've said to me was a lie. i wanna start a family, i prefer two kids, lol, but u want four, and i'm okay with that. there are so many things that i would do for u cuz i care for u, and i want the best for u. but now..u need to care about me and want the best for me. yeah...i'm being selfish..but i haven't expressed myself selfishly lately...so imma let u think on this, and u call me when ur ready. i hope this works out, i don't want this to fuck up. but now i know that i need to be more open about the way i geel, so in a sense i fucked up as well.

so dance...big performance coming up in the first week of august...a lot of my friends prolly won't be around, but i can still ask them to come. thats exciting, so we hafta sell lots and lots of tickets!! so that it would be worth it, and we gotta work our asses off.

so softball...i'm not saying names, but DAMN..do I have a HUGE problem with ppl with attitudes. like..DAMN! grrr....i'm tired...oh...so tired

so boys...i'm confused about some things. i'm just discovering some habits that can be a little annoying in the long run..how..do you approach a topic like that? i mean...if i were told that i annoy people by habits i can't help..i'd be like..well psh deal with it. but in this case its like..i can only deal with it for so long. so one of these days i'll just hafta have a conversationg about that stuff. then the paper! we did it!!!! yay!!! =) lol. thats a big relief...

so college...he's going to UCLA and i'm going to UCSC...6 hours away by car, 328 miles, 1 hoiur and a half by plane...damn! it worries me...i feel like, being separate makes u stronger..yeah, but then being separate for so long can also change ppl, and we aren't with them during those changes. so what if we went off to college as one person..then when we met up again..we'd be totally different people. what if those personalities clash? what if we can't stand what we've become? yeah...we can talk online and maybe even on the phone..but then that is only so much...its a scary thought to me...and i've been avoiding it..which helps, but one of these days..boy, that is NOT going to be a fun day...and its not the thing i wanna talk about now..i just need time to talk about it gradually..

so the future...i'm looking sooo forward to the future, what i will be, what he will be, what WE'LL have...but then the paragraph above. what if we don't..make it? will all our dreams go to waste? will all that we have planned just be dumb dreams? yeah...i would like kids and a safe, good, happy family. but...it scares me a little bit to think about it so much...i'm only 17, i still have like 4-8 or more years of schooling to go before i can make any drastic drastic changes in my life. i guess i'm just asking to talk about the future stuff a little less...it just makes me sad.

so generally...i'm scared of growing up. i wanna stay a kid, yeah my personality will always be childish...RELIGION CLASS PROVES IT! =P but its not the same. with college comes responsibility that i don't feel like i am ready to have...i just need more time to be a kid, more time to grow out of my parents...just more...time! but...unfortunately..time is not something that can be asked for. it just comes and goes...every single day...and we don't realise that its hella precious. like...we only have 26 more days of being in high school... 26!!! thats less than a month..then we're all gonna separate..and be separate. we say we'll keep in touch..but will we? ppl say change is good...but is it? yeah...i guess it is sometimes..lol, but i feel like one should be ready before change happens. if theres too much change at one time..all hell breaks loose. o well..we'll see what goes on.

so me...i dunno wtf is up with me. theres dance, softball, bf, school, friends, prom, parents, college just a lotta stuff. and i can't talk about it in person, cuz theres just too much crap and i'll go cookoo. not to be a selfish brat...but in some situations..i feel as though i give soo much and get nothing in return, no respect. yeah...i'm being a hypocrite or however u spell it. i don't give respect to the ppl i don't like, but i don't like u cuz either ur a bitch, u have attitude, stuck up or u have no respect...OR all four! geez..thats gonna b my fall in life. i don't like TOO many ppl. lol, which is bad but i like enough ppl to survive! =) hehe harhar..o well...

sometiems..i would also like ppl to think more or me, or let me be who i want to be. my sister...needs to just let me be myself and not try to control my life. my mom needs to let go...like seriously...i'm going to college..u might as well start early...and even in college..she'll be in my damn conscience. just cuz i'm asian don't mean i'm smart...lol. i mean i'm not stupid..but i'm not a 4.0 person...its just not who i am..grades don't matter THAT much to me. i rather have some fun and get decent grades than not have fun and get like 4.0. that makes HELLA sense to me..but maybe not to u.

sometiems..i just need to talk..i HATE being cut off...like hate hate hate..just let me finish what i gotta say damn it! if u disagree then be my guest..but lemme finish first! damn..i don't cut u off! its just fruistrating..

iono..just a bunch of crap pooping on me all at once..it'll be fine..eventually. 

..long day

2 performances in a day, one one hour show, then anothe like 20 minute show ( 3 dances back to back) lol. slightly fun, haha. the people that were before us at ccc played music..don't take me wrong, it was hella pretty...but it made me wanna take a nap. lol. big april performance coming up...yeah, that won't be great..there are people who are like.."fuck that" and i'm like that too! hahaha. i'm soo fucking tired though. unfortunately i missed out on a great opportuniy..but its ok. I have been on TV before, it may not have been as glamorous, but at least i can say i was on TV. hehe. we gotta cram, a bunch of dances in for our may performance. but ritz is coming back permanently, so then a bunch of weight is lifted off my shoulders for the future. But as it turns out, shes not back quite yet, so i still got some left.

between me and him...i'm just confused. just before dinner, cheesy as it may seem, i was thinking...i'm so thankful to have a bf that cares for me, and would do practically anything for me, because he cares, not cuz he wants something in return. i was like..hell yea! yay me! and that i'm fucking proud to call him my boyfriend at all. but then, i come back from dinner...then drama happens. its hard..cuz i know i'm the cause of like..all of it. and it sucks..cuz i don't even realize that i did something stupid until after its done. o well...after time passes...hopefully i will learn.

ANYWAYS..i got my senior paper to work on...i don't even know what i'm doing anymore. lol, i'm thinking about doing what steph did, and just not do it! haha, that sounds so much more fun! i love being a FUCKING rebel! =D, its the inner devil in me =).

at this exact minute...i must say, life sucks ASS..