|
smashinghanner0
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: HannahHayes
Country: United States
State: Kansas
Metro: Wichita
Birthday: 4/14/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: music, movie screens, my cameras, photoshop CS, anything that happens to be wrapped in seaweed, oil paint, sharpies, my car's V6 engine and the smell of motor oil, painful sarcasm, innapropriate comments and jokes, cuddling in any way, shape, or form, and ice cream.
Expertise: confusion and reading between the lines
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  smashinghanner0
Member Since:
12/6/2003
|
|
| What I've done in College...I don't exactly know why I am reaching out to xanga in this instance but I feel so different than I ever have before.
I'm sitting here in my room in the dark while Columbia, Missouri happens outside my window.
Columbia is not Wichita. It is not my home.
But I've tried to make the best of it. I really have. But I still can't shake it.
I've never been this unhappy.
It's not that I don't know anyone here or that I haven't tried to become part of the 29,999 students here.
But I'm floating and losing momentum. I feel alone, more so than ever. I feel lost and faceless like my efforts are invisable or futile because I nor anyone else around me cares about them anymore.
I am not Hannah Hayes here. I cannot act like her, talk like her or be her here. I'm losing the one thing that I loved about myself, that no matter what happened I knew what I wanted to do with my life, who I wanted to be. Here, I can't see it ever happening. I don't even take pictures here.
I know part of this is life, but the other part is me and here don't match.
I will be leaving the University of Missouri next year, who knows maybe after semester. Goodbye #1 Journalism school, you're just not worth it.
I never thought I would be one of the people who couldn't hack college, or had to come home to figure myself out.
But I am. I never thought I would be the homesick loser or the person who went away for great things and came back empty handed. But I am.
Next year I could be in Galesburg, St. Paul, Omaha, Des Moines....
But for some reason theres only one place I want to be...
Wichita, in my green room with Woodlawn passing by my window.
| | |
| - WildcatWe are chasing each other and taking turns
I guess it didn't take long for my body to start following in the fashion of this horrible summer.
Tommorow I'm going to be strapped up to a heart monitor.
Super.
The monitor is referred to as "The King of Hearts"
People with heart conditions aren't in the mood for puns.
But why is this summer horrible?
I've only come up with two or three answers to this question that plagues me every morning while I drive to WSU at 8:25, listening to Silent Alarm by Bloc Party for the 3,000th time, because I'm too lazy to change out CDs.
Is it just by comparison? Because hell, if you were to spend your summer practicing the Cha Cha with the Dalai Lama in the Bahamas or sipping Margaritas with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert by the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel while fuzzy penguins danced 'round your lounge chairs, you wouldn't have had as much fun as I had last summer.
This is not up for arguement.
Is it because my what seemed like a rather decent sized gang of amigos has down sized to around two people I see occasionally?
I remember having friends, I just don't know where they went.
Perhaps they are wherever I misplaced effort.
Is it because I have absolutely no control of my life anymore? It use to be my parents, my AP U.S. History teacher, my hunger pains...I honestly don't know what or who I've handed my life off to right now but I know I'm not at the wheel of this short bus anymore.
...it's probably because I have a test on inverse functions tommorow
and that I miss the Sears fucking Tower
....
it's because I complain too much
Cristina Brown (who gets back Saturday thank the lord baby jesus) and I went to the zoo a few days ago...maybe it was a week ago...hell, it might have been two weeks ago.
I got a few cool shots...I guess
Cristina chased the peacock around the petting zoo for a while. It was fairly entertaining.
This might be my favorite picture from the day.
Percy on the fourth of July
Peter, who I spent a great deal of time entertaining with Hotwheels and basketballs
perhaps tommorow I'll derive some fun from the King of Hearts and update with some pictures of electrodes.
oh god,
this is my life
-Hannah Hayes
| | |
| - I'm already deadStop, I'm already deadLooking at the last post again made me remember of when I was enjoying summer.
Now I wake up at 7 in the morning every day to learn how to process quadratic equations that I don't understand from a man who speaks in an accent I don't understand.
Then I go to my job of having three year olds throw paint at me for no money
And after I sit around the house, listening to records, wondering where everyone went and why I never have anything to do anymore.
This is an empty summer.
Everything that is told to me usually begins with "Well next year when you move away..." So now I feel like a stranger in my own house.
Nothing I do this summer matters, because I won't be here to see it's effects.
Atleast Lollapalooza is waiting for me the first weekend of August.
I guess it's sort of sad that I'm not looking forward to college all that much anymore or meeting new people.
The only thing that makes me happy is knowing that in a month or so I'll be in Chicago again, surrounded by music.
I swear that city ruined me.
Here are some photos that have been shut away in my camera's cavernous memory card slot from the Skybox show and ICT fest. I know they're old but some of them I kind of like.
Dream Supreme shots
Cristina and I sewed like crazy one weekend.
My brother at ICT fest
The Paper Airplanes at ICT fest
more airplanes
Oh well, atleast I have my camera.
The spirit climbs my spine to the brain
Following the railroad tracks down again
I needed space with soul
Maybe we can die there
Maybe we can stop, I'm already dead
My mother she said
Heaven's on one shoulder but baby Hell is on the other
Tied neatly in a box underneath the bed it was the bones of my father
Maybe we can stop
I'm already dead, yeah yeah
Stop, I'm already dead
oh oh, yeah.
From your friend,
Hannah "I promise I'll stop being emo tommorow" Hayes
| | |
| "I want it to be like fireworks"
There's nothing like standing with your classmates in oversized blue robes to make you feel like a third grader again.
atleast graduation is over.
I still feel absolutely no emotion about the whole thing. I'm sure I'll have some delayed response and it will hit me while I'm eating a penut butter sandwich, taking a shower or tying my shoes.
I plan to get my life back together this summer and start doing things that I use to care about, like making dinky songs on my keyboard, painting, reading, taking even more pictures and working at C-FARTS.
I e-mailed F5 today and begged them to let me write for them. If that doesn't work out I plan to get myself a soul-sucking job at CD tradepost.
The show of the century with the Paper Airplanes, Kelpie, Boo and Boo Too, Davan and Baby Calendar is in 3 days. 3 days.
anyway, enough with words
prepare yourselves for photopalooza
 \
you'll probably need to click on the fireworks pictures to make them look less shitty
hopefully my camera and i figure out our differences and start making some decent work together
anyway,
Og hér ert þú...
Fannst mér.....
Og hér ert þú
i'm going to teach myself icelandic
goodnight,
hannah hayes
| | |
|
\