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| This is interesting to me. Here I am sitting at my computer desk writing this and thinking about some things in my life. Things that are not the greatest such as my finances right now and how this has affected the way I've approached things in the last year. I've thought about how I had cried out to God about how I know that he's doing something, but I"m not seeing it and for him to show it to me. I've cried because I've felt helpless in this situation to where I was not able to be all that I know I can be. And then just like that I got a vision in my head of what kinds of things I need to do to get my finances back on track. I thought about how I could start budgeting better and how in this time no matter what, God was stll providing even though I didn't feel like it was happening. I also thought about how when I felt like I was in need of money for a certain thing such as gas in my car, God always came through. He will always come through. Last night at church a word was spoken and I feel like it was for me because it seems like the way I"ve felt for the last couple of months. It was that we are rounding the corner, for a while we have been approaching that spot, but now we are rounding the corner and when you go around the corner there is a new view of whatever you are looking at. That makes me excited to hear that because I feel like I am seeing new and better things. Instead of just relying on what is on the outside, I want to look at what is invisible. What I mean by this is I want to see what is always there and constant and not on the little things that are happening right now. I want to look at the big picture instead of the small picture of where my mind takes me. I want to look beyond and have my mind blown ten times over by the goodness and greatness of God and ALL the possibilities that he is throwing in my direction. I want to reach the lost and dying world in a new way, in a way that pleases God. I think this is the most important thing right now because when we see the impossible as possible, it really is amazing. Imagine if Thomas Edison gave up after one try with the light bulb. We would never have the light bulb. Think about how he thought about something that seemed impossible and didn't work for at least 30 times before he finally got it down. He could have given up because of what he saw in the natural sense, but he didn't and today light bulbs are everywhere. To me, if he could do that, I think I can look at the big picture myself. | | |
| Wow so much has happened in meYesterday I had an emotional rollercoaster go on in me. Most of it was a confirmation of things that I have been feeling about anyway. This job that I'm in is not making me happy. I'm not getting the hours I need and I feel like my clients can see this in me as I'm there. I'm kinda a hypocrite about things because how can I tell people to have good self esteem when mine isn't up to par like I want it. I want so bad to do the will of God for me, yet sometimes I don't feel like I'm even heeding it. I love God with all my heart, yet some of the stuff that goes through my brain don't seem to line up with what God has spoken over my life. I know that is a normal feeling, but I guess that I have been the one that has always tried to take the positive attitude route.
Now, I know that God wants me to be happy, but for me, how can I be happy when I'm not doing what I love to do. Yesterday at work, talking to one of my coworkers helped me determine this in me. My coworker gave me that "its okay if you don't wanWow has it really been a couple of months since I last blogged on here?
Well it's really bad, but Xanga seems to be my spot where I vent about
things that dont' seem so upbeat. Thats weird I know, but whenever I'm
on myspace and I write a blog on there I feel like more of an
encouragement on there. But here, not as many of my friends aret to do this anymore" passage. See I've been feeling like this for a couple of months since I started this job, yet I had not wanted to leave them in the lurch because I wasn't happy. I have been thinking about my clients and about my coworkers and I really want to do the right thing. Just the way that she talked to me about it yesterday really made me feel a little bit relieved because she made me feel okay if this wasn't the right fit, there wasn't a sense of "you need to stay because your really good at this: There was this sense of "if you feel like your feelings are going to get in the way of you doing your job right and helping the clients, you need to make that decision." It was almost like a confirmation in my spirit that I had the permission that I needed. So I cried quite honestly and cried and well lets just say my makeup came off REALLY fast. I got home last night and decided to write my notes in my car and then go in my house and relax as much as I could. I made the decision to seek out what is the right way to go. I'm tired of doing things my own way, I'm tired of not realizing my full potential and I'm tired of feeling less then qualified for what I'm doing. I"m ready to start understanding the truth that God has spoken over my life. I'm ready to accept his perfect will and accept that he has made me the person that I am for a reason. I'm ready to keep myself in his will and see the impact in a hurting world that comes out of this thing that I"ve come to. Yeah this was a long blog but it was something that I had to get out. Now the only thing I"m thinking about is where do I go from here. What do I need to do where I am truly happy?
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| Wow so much has happened in me even on here and this seems to be a safe spot for me to vent. Anyway, yesterday I had an emotional rollercoaster go on in me. Most of it was a confirmation of things that I have been feeling about anyway. This job that I'm in is not making me happy. I'm not getting the hours I need and I feel like my clients can see this in me as I'm there. I'm kinda a hypocrite about things because how can I tell people to have good self esteem when mine isn't up to par like I want it. I want so bad to do the will of God for me, yet sometimes I don't feel like I'm even heeding it. I love God with all my heart, yet some of the stuff that goes through my brain don't seem to line up with what God has spoken over my life. I know that is a normal feeling, but I guess that I have been the one that has always tried to take the positive attitude route.
Now, I know that God wants me to be happy, but for me, how can I be happy when I'm not doing what I love to do. Yesterday at work, talking to one of my coworkers helped me determine this in me. My coworker gave me that "its okay if you don't wanWow has it really been a couple of months since I last blogged on here?
Well it's really bad, but Xanga seems to be my spot where I vent about
things that dont' seem so upbeat. Thats weird I know, but whenever I'm
on myspace and I write a blog on there I feel like more of an
encouragement on there. But here, not as many of my friends aret to do this anymore" passage. See I've been feeling like this for a couple of months since I started this job, yet I had not wanted to leave them in the lurch because I wasn't happy. I have been thinking about my clients and about my coworkers and I really want to do the right thing. Just the way that she talked to me about it yesterday really made me feel a little bit relieved because she made me feel okay if this wasn't the right fit, there wasn't a sense of "you need to stay because your really good at this: There was this sense of "if you feel like your feelings are going to get in the way of you doing your job right and helping the clients, you need to make that decision." It was almost like a confirmation in my spirit that I had the permission that I needed. So I cried quite honestly and cried and well lets just say my makeup came off REALLY fast. I got home last night and decided to write my notes in my car and then go in my house and relax as much as I could. I made the decision to seek out what is the right way to go. I'm tired of doing things my own way, I'm tired of not realizing my full potential and I'm tired of feeling less then qualified for what I'm doing. I"m ready to start understanding the truth that God has spoken over my life. I'm ready to accept his perfect will and accept that he has made me the person that I am for a reason. I'm ready to keep myself in his will and see the impact in a hurting world that comes out of this thing that I"ve come to. Yeah this was a long blog but it was something that I had to get out. Now the only thing I"m thinking about is where do I go from here. What do I need to do where I am truly happy?
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| Hard timesSo here's the deal. I've hit a spot in my life where things seem to be so sad right now. My grandpa died on Thursday and then I just found out that my friends lost their 1 and a half year old daughter on Friday. This weekend has been an emotional rollercoaster with all the stuff my family had to do and then I just heard this and my heart just broke for Cliff and Christie. I wish I knew what happened with their little one because it's so tragic to lose one at that age. My grandfather's passing was a blessing for him because now he's out of pain. It's hard for us because we have been with my grandma and she's lost the love of her life. She doesn't want to take her meds and really seriously I don't blame her. We had the viewing on Monday and it took me a really long time before I could actually go into the room. I sat out in the lobby and in one of the other rooms just watching the slideshow of his life and I feel really bad for my dad because he was trying to explain these pictures to us and I seriously didn't want to hear it. All I wanted to do was sit in there and look at them and him trying to explain them at that moment just made me on edge. I snapped at him and well yeah, I felt bad and later told him sorry, but it was so hard to think about at that moment. So I sat out in the lobby and watched this going on with some tears in my eyes and kleenex in hand. Then it hit me. My uncle and aunt came out to make sure I was okay and I lost it. I seriously lost it. I don't know why, but when I saw my uncle it really started to hit me. He was like "it's okay, he's out of pain and he was in a lot of pain at the end" but all I could think about was the fact that he had to deal with all the stuff to do with my grandpa's death. Him and my dad. On top of that we lost my other uncle 4 months ago and so it had to have been really hard on them because of all this. So I finally got in there and I couldn't even go up to the casket up close very well because to me it seemed weird. As we started to get all the stuff from the funeral home yesterday and took them to my grandma, seeing her brighten up when she saw the flowers was so cool! I don't know if I mentioned it, but she has Dementia. So she has been in and out of this whole thing. She knows what's going on, but people around her sometimes underestimate how much she knows about this. My sister was talking to her yesterday and found this bear that the people at the funeral home gave to the family and it had a poem on it that made my grandma, my sisters (both of them that were there) and me all cry. It was so hard. Watching her go through all this like she is. She is so brave in all thats going on with it. So basically thats what's been going on this past weekend. It's a sad event, but at the same time it's not. It's a good time to reflect about everything thats been going on. It's a good time for God to move in us as his people. It's a good time to think about how we can change our futures so they are just as God sees them. Sarah
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| Wow has it already been two months since the last time I wrote on this thing?? Man I'm slacking! Well I found another job doing PSR (Psychosocial Rehabilitation). I am working in mental health now. Yes me, working in mental health! Not sure what to think about it at this point. I've been doing a lot of work with helping clients get resources to help themselves. That part of the job has been alright. The biggest problem for me I think is that I have to set up my schedule. I have a lot of kids as my clients so I have to wait until they are out of school which means after 3PM to work with them. I also have to work around whatever they may have going on. So I work a little bit on Saturdays. It's okay, but I almost feel like I'm back to square one and me being kinda disorganized anyway, it's nice to have a set schedule where you go in at a certain time and leave at a certan time. This way I don't have room to slack off like I know I do. Other then that, it's been a really good experience. I"m learning a lot about how Health and Welfare works with the plans. I"m also learning how much paperwork is involved and how if I I get behind, I have to work on the paperwork mostly on the weekends. I'm also learning from this job whether I still want to go for my masters degree in Social Work. So far I still want to go and apply or the program and get it done. It's all Cynthia's fault haha. She's my friend who talked me into Social Work as opposed to Couseling. It's cool though because I feel like I can do this kind of job and I love that feeling. Through this past year, God has been showing me things about myself that has given me a bigger confidence in myself as well as in him. I have been learning to trust him more when it comes to taking care of my needs. It hasn't been easy, but the thing of it is, that everytime I have to say it out loud to myself, it gives me peace and assurance that no matter what happens, he will never leave me and always take care of me. I've learned that I can do more then I ever gave myself credit for. No matter what's happened its been good. I've lost some dear people this year, but it's been alright through it all. I miss them, but I know that they are in a better place where they are not in pain anymore. That is a good thing to me! So the biggest thing I can say about this past year is that I've learned to trust God more and through that trust in him, I've been given a bigger confidence in myself that makes me be more effective in my walk with God as well as in my life as a proffessional. Praise God for all and here comes another year where his grace will be sufficent in my life!! Sarah | | |
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