Currently Listening Greatest Hits By Queen Killer Queen see related

Wow. It has been a while since I posted.  I don't know if anyone really still reads this thing.  I now work at Jimmy John's where I peddle sandwiches.  Eric, the immature roomate (on of the immature roomates) moved out because, well, I kicked him out.  He didn't pay rent on time or the complete ballance.  His stuff is still in the garage.

Sean and I are great.  We stopped our fighting and are now awesome.  We have a dog named Bujack.  We call him Jack because it sounds less gay.  He is a two year old Siberian Huskie.  He is the best damn dog I have ever seen.  I love him so much.

That is actually everything new.  I finished out the semester like a champ.  Actually, I sucked.  I failed 3 classes and got 2 c's.  Thankfully I have years of good grades to fall back on.  My GPA is now 2.14.  I know, I suck.  I have one more year until I graduate.  I sat at Sharon's graduation a couple weeks ago and it just made me depressed.  I should have been there.  I should have graduated this year and it makes me mad.  I am such a bum.  Well, I have to graduate in May or I will be VERY angry.  My new plan is this.  I am going to settle for majoring in English without the education emphasis.  I will either find a good English related job or I will start substitute teaching until I can go back and get my Masters in either Music or English.  I really really really want to get my Master's in Music but I did try that once and it did not work well.  I think it was my fault but maybe not.  We'll see.  Ok, well I guess that's it for n ow.  Expect more soon.

Jon

So I have to tell you about our new house.  The place is a three story brick house in downtown.  We get the top two floors.  "We" is Sean, Myself, Tony, and Eric.  This place is amazing.  It's huge.  It's nice.  Oak doors, oak cabinets, new carpet, hardwood floors, it's gorgeous.  It's an amazing deal.  Unfortunately I still also have my other apartment so I need to find someone to sublease.  But I can't so I'm a little screwed but I'm really not that worried.  Anyone needs a room in DeKalb, I'm the guy.  I love this new house and I love the roomates.  We are a family.  Sean is dad because he can be grumpy and he's always harping on us about the place, I'm mom because I'm always cleaning, I cook all the time, I make sure people are awake and go to school (eric), I am mom.  Tony and Eric are the kids.  When they get wasted they both turn into 12 year olds.

Currently Reading The Virgin Suicides By Jeffrey Eugenides see related

What if?

This is the question that permeates my being.  What if there is a Hell?  What if, for some reason, I’m going.  I have always been strong in my faith but I just don’t know anymore.  When I look at religion from a logical perspective, it can’t exist.  The rational possibility of an all-powerful Deity is so minute that it would be easy to put the thought out of my mind.  For some reason, I feel that there is a God but his existence confuses me.  What does he want?  Is he a kind and loving God or a spiteful and angry God?  This concerns me.  If he is merciful, than I have no worries.  If he is vengeful, I’m sunk.  What if he is the God of Christians, or of Muslims, or the Jews.  What if I don’t get into heaven because I eat pork or don’t pray to the East.  The thought of Hell terrifies me.  Burning for all eternity.  I know that the concept of a “Pit of Fire” Hell is a little Middle Ages but that’s what Hell feels like to me.  I think about burning forever and I shake.  I cry.  I’m terrified and scared.  Scared.  Scared of death even before I’m done with living.  I hate this feeling.  Death is such a mystery and I hate it.  I want to know; I’m done with wondering.  Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not trying to quicken the process, I am merely curious about what exists after this life is over.  What if there is not God.  What if I spend my entire life trying to follow the path to righteousness only to find out that it doesn’t matter.  I will have wasted some of my life.  What if I spend the next 65 years living a pious life in hopes for heaven to only get death.  What if I die and there is nothing.  We just die.  How terrifying is that.  Have you ever thought about ceasing to be?  Shut your eyes and try to think about nothing.  Think about losing that last little bit of consciousness and imagine being the black.  To have no thought. To not  be.  In a way, that is scarier than Hell.  There’s no pain but the idea of not being is an unattractive one.  What if we invent our own afterlives?   What if we decide, based on our conscience, where we go?  What if I spend my life thinking I’m going to Hell so that’s what I get?  What if my questioning lands me in my own Hell?  I don’t know what happens when we die and I won’t.  I pray every day to whatever God is the true one and I ask him to tell me the truth.  I just want to know.  I’m sick of wondering. 

I know this looks bad but nobody has to worry, I am not going to hurt myself or anything.  I just smoke too much and as a result, I think way too much.  This book started it all.  I was in blissfull ignorance of the inevitable fate that waits for me until, one morning, I read this wonderful story and I recognized my own mortality and the uncertainty it provides.  As far as a life update, I moved into a new house with some friends and my boyfriend.  I still work at Dairy Queen and I'm trying to get a job as a bartender at a place called O'Leary's.  I just finished fall semester and I'm bored off my ass sitting around the house.  Sean and I celebrated our 2 year on October 27th.  A week before that I had a weeklong anxiety attack dealing with the afore mentioned topic.  I felt ill all the time and I wanted to cry.  I saw a counsellor and a therapist.  Both things helped but I still think about it all the time.  It was my involuntary push into existentialism.  I miss ignorance.  I miss Sharon and Dave.  I really miss Jess.  As I sit here, I hope that the rest of my life is as fulfilling as the first 22 have been.  I hope that when I go, I will be able to embrace it without fear and with the satisfaction that I have done the best that I possibly could.  I try so hard to be a good person and I just hope that whoever is waiting, if someone is waiting, when I die, they will smile at me and look on me with pride.  Sorry this was a very odd entry but I just wanted to apologize for not posting in a long time so I got really personal for everyone.  More to come later.  Peace homies.

Currently Reading England, England (Vintage International) By Julian Barnes see related

So do you ever just get tired of the people you hang out with?  I don't mean you Sharon, Jessica, Dave, Abi.  I don't even mean any person specifically, just the group in general.  I am just sick of sitting around and drinking.  How about stimulating conversation?  No I don't like to think much when I talk to someone.  How about a movie?  No, we can't get loud and beligerant in a theatre.  I'm sorry I just need to let out steam.  I love these guys and I never want them to go but I don't know.  Dairy Queen is exactly like it was when I was there before.  The same things happen, the same drama occurs, and I just despise it.  People don't know how to work.  Girls that have been there (I'm not making a gender comment I just work with a bunch of girls) for a while don't know any work ethic.  They are pompous and don't do a good job at what they have to.  They constantly throw their "rank" around and ignore that they have to work and can't just stand around and talk.  It's a job, you are getting paid to WORK not talk.  You can talk as much as you want when you go home.  I'm constantly cleaning because I hate standing around at work.  Classes are ok but, yet again, I'm not motivated.  I've skipped Chamber Choir 3 times since the semester began.  My classes are just not informative.  I have English 471 - The British Novel Since 1900.  We aren't really learning anything and there are two douchebags that have to talk the entire class because they love hearing their own voices.  For my Shakespeare class, I have this older guys from England and the first thing he said to me was, "Ello, ello!  What's oll this then?!"  It's fun but again, learning nothing new.  My sister is a psycho.  She goes through boyfriend like I go through TP.  One second she's getting married and picking out baby names and the next she left the guy in my mom's kitchen to go hook up with her bi-polar ex-boyfriend.  I'm done but I will go on next time. Peace.

Currently Watching Sideways (Widescreen Edition) By Paul Giamatti, Thomas Haden Church, Virginia Madsen, Sandra Oh see related

I don't understand why people feel the need to comment negetively on my xanga site.  Who has so much spare time that they can read my page and be an asshole at the same time?  If you are going to leave a comment about how you hate gays, or how you hate white people, just keep them to yourself.  I don't post to hear nasty shit.  Anyway, I'm packing my stuff to move in to my new apartment.  I have to be out of here by Friday so I'm getting everything ready.  Hopefully someone will help me get the big stuff to the van. I may be going to Warped Tour in Detroit on Sunday.  We were suppost to go for 3 days but Sean had to spend a lot of money at the last minute so we decided to meet up Friday and discuss it.  I kinda hope we go but I don't want to spend a shit ton of money.  Dairy Queen sucks.  Every shift is the same thing.  I burned my fingers on a heating coil at work.  It works out because I got to go home early.I need to pack more.  Later,

J