hey .. i'm back !! yea .. i've been back for a while . since the 1st to be exact but i just now felt like writing in my xanga . to answer some questions about my trip : houston sucked . there was nothing to do out there .. we played volleyball `nd came back to the hotel .. we ate `nd slept . that's purty much all we did .. everyday !! yea .. we got 5th out of 48 teams .. i was s0o upset & sad when we lost ! we were one game away from a medal ! ugh .. let's not get me started on that issue again ! however .. i'm glad that that trip got me a lot closer to my team .. budunkadunk jen . my ho-ho & down ass chick lisa . my all-star leslie ray . friend lyndz . crazy critter marysa . gassy megan . blondie nicole . mama riley . kamikaze torri . quote-every-movie vicky . it sucks cuz the time that we got s0o much closer was the end of our season .. but no worries .. we're most definitely gonna chill ! i'M GONNA MiSS YOU LADiES ! hmm .. moving on .. before i forget .. thank you que for the cds for my trip .. i must say i enjoyed them !! hahaha .. yea .. these past couple of days have been great ! .. what a great way to enjoy my break from volleyball ! on thursday nite after we got home .. i went to see spiderman 2 with my mommah, my brother, & jed . on friday i went to dj's house & chilled with him, jed , `nd dj's brothers . on saturday i went to huntington beach with lisa, torri, nicole, riley, & vicky .. we ate @ bj's .. layed out for a g0od amount of time .. came back to lisa's house where jen met up with us .. ate pizza & headed out for cosmic bowling .. our lane sucked but we made the best of it, right ladies ? and yesterday, sunday .. for the 4th of july .. i went to church .. went to practice for bobbie's debut .. went to church again with jed's family & chilled with him, ordered pizza & played with fireworks( kinda .. cuz it t0ok forever for him to get something to light them ! hahahaha  ) `nd yePp .. that concludes my break from volleyball .. a wopping 4 days ! i go back to volleyball tonite .. but not for my club team .. for sch0ol (we got summer league) .. damn, this volleyball thing never seems to end ! as s0on as sch0ol season ends .. club season starts .. `nd vice versa .. o0o well .. i guess that comes to show how much i'm dedicated ? hahaha .. whatever .. anywho .. i'm gonna get going .. i gotta finish cleaning up before my mommah gets home & get ready for my game tonite .. w0opty- do . aurite then .. i'm g o n e .

so i'm sittin` here @ home .. cuz my mom doesn't wanna drop me off to chill wid mariel cuz she's got "t0o much to do" .. & so that pretty much means s0o much for gettin` to chill wid my "cousin" before i leave ! sorry mariel ! there's gonna be other times .. F'SHO ! but yea .. hmm .. i'm s0o ready to leave !! not literally cuz i'm a slow packer `nd all .. but inside i can't wait to get the f*** outta here ! i can't wait to leave this life behind ..  but for the first time in a long time .. i'm really excited to play volleyball .. maybe cuz i'm suddenly motivated `nd inspired cuz it's the junior olympics .. or i guess it's cuz volleyball is my escape from the real world . despite the fact that i'm putting all this s*** aside in my mind & i know that i gotta deal with it s0oner or later, it's like .. i now realize that playing volleyball takes me away from it .. even if it's just for a moment that i get away .. it's that moment that keeps me from breakin` down . wow .. i sound like a volleyball nerd or something .. hahaha .. whatever tho . i guess i deserve to be  one after playing for sch0ols `nd club for 5 or 6 years now .. haha . yea .. i'm bored . damn .. i got this lauryn hill song on heavy rotation .. esp. this one part : "although i may suffer .. i'll envy it not .. & endure what comes .. cuz he's all that i got .. " it makes me think about one of my situations that i'm dealing with rite now .. `nd as far as that goes .. i now realize that i don't wanna know anymore .. i don't wanna wonder . i just gotta let things be . what i can't see or don't know can't hurt me, rite ? cuz if i see it .. i fear i'll start to break down & if i hear it `nd find out .. i fear that i'll forever be wondering . so let's make it official .. i quit on instigating . `nd i'm doing this for my own benefit, rite ? cuz now i can't get hurt . i think that even though my heart is in a different place `nd doesn't want this .. i gotta do this in order to get what i want in the long run .. s0o i gotta let it happen .. it was gonna happen s0oner or later .. you win some, you lose some rite ? i may be losing now .. but i'll win later ? hahaha .. that made me sound cocky .. haha .. but yea .. i'm just gonna go now .. i got a beach practice tomorrow morning .. yep . bright & early ! hope it was long enough for you que ! hahaha .. `nd i just wanna wish you a HAPPY EARLY BiRTHDAY .. cuz i'm prolly not gonna be able to write this officially before i leave .. i'm sorry i won't be there fer yer party ! i'll be there spiritually ? i luyah my lil one !! hope it's great !! `nd i'm g o n e .

LAURYN HiLL - TELL HiM
 
let me be patient 
let me be kind
make me unselfish
without being blind
though i may suffer i'll envy him not
and endure what comes
cause he's all that i got and tell him

tell him i need him
tell him i love him and it'll be alright
tell him i need him
tell him i love him
it'll be alright
 
now i may have faith to make mountains fall
but if i lack love then i have nothing at all
i can give away everything i possess
but am without  love then i have no happiness
i know i'm imperfect and not without sin
but now that i'm older all childish things end

i'll never be jealous and i won't be too proud
cause love is not boastful
oooh and love is not loud
tell him i need him
tell him i love him
everything is gonna be alright
now i may have wisdom and knowledge on earth
but if i speak wrong then oooh what is it worth
see what we now know is nothing compared
to the love that was shown when our lives were spared
and tell him
tell him i need him
tell him i love him
 
damn .. gotta love that song !!  

`nd i'm back .. it's been awhile but i'm here . before i get anywhere, it' more like before i forget .. i juss wanna say: CONGRATS TO THE C/O 2004 @ St. Lucy's ! esp. to my lil ladies que, nikki, augi, dez & kat ! it's been a long time (only 9 years to be exact .. haha) & i proud of all you lil ones ! you girls never fail to amaze me ! g0od luck in high sch0ol & i'll see you (que `nd nikki, my poly ladies! ) next year !

aww .. makes me reminisce on my days there ..  anywho .. moving on .. hmm .. s0o let's re-cap what's been really g0od in my life .. lemme think a lil bit ..yup ! i'm gettin` nothing !!  today was a really bad day for me & i'm not going anywhere tonite to make up for it .. cuz i gotta stay home ! isn't that freakin` great !? whatever tho .. i don't care .. i'm going to my homie kevin`s partaay tomorrow ( hahaha .. shake that monkey !) & that's f`sho !! o0o yeSs .. get em !! but damn .. lately, there's juss been s0o much ish for me to deal with `nd honestly .. i don't know how much more i can take of it .. even though the facial expression portrayed on the outside is juss smilin` & hidin` how i feel .. inside it's like i'm stressin` & trippen & confused .. with finals commin` up & stuff & there's s0o much more i could say but a part of me doesn't feel like puttin` it out there for tha whole world to know .. yannoe ? but for those of you who do know whussup .. i juss wanna say thanks for bein` there for me .. it means more than you know . & i would like to apolgize for my teary breakdown today .. ::sigh:: you guys know how much i hate to cry ! it just sucks cuz i feel like i've been let down .. cuz i finally put myself out there cuz i thought it would be different this time .. and it just backfired . i give up .. i don't know what else to say .. but i should've known .. i just should've known .. o0o man ! damnit i'm starting up again .. this is t0o much for me .. i'm juss gonna go . i don't have the inner strength in me to say anything more ..  

g o n e .

s0o .. here i am .. chillen` @ my cousin's house in el monte . we juss got back from my niece, nikki's 3rd birthday !! HAPPY BiRTHDAY NiCOLE `nd ATE SHiELA !!  hmm .. yea .. it was hella fun !! it was @ this ind0or playground `nd it was hella tyte .. i think it was called under the sea . hahaha .. g0od times ! anywho .. i'm bored `nd i juss decided to type in herre ! hmm .. as for the way things are rite now .. there are g0od `nd bad things .. all in all, things could be a lot better .  but yea .. guess what tomorrow is guys ?!?! MY 16TH BiRTHDAY !!  why is it i'm not as excited as others seem to be .. it's not like i'm gonna do anything .. `nd plus .. if i was .. you'd definitely know about it .. i'd invite hella people ! but yea .. as for my plans tomorrow .. i have a tournament . yay for me . isn't that juss the best way to spend my birthday ?! whatever .. i'm not even gonna dwell on it cuz i'm juss gonna get sad `nd stuff that i'm gonna be spendin` my sweet 16 on a volleyball court in anaheim .. w0opty freakin` do . great .. now i'm dwelling on it .. ugh .. i'm gonna go now .. i think me `nd the fam bam are bout to watch mean girls !! g o n e .