Is it really better to forget?

The highs and lows of a teenager's life seem to be constant in the lives of average sixteen-turning seventeen teenagers. Angst, depression, and even instances of borderline insanity. They say we are all the same, that our problems are no more significant or troubling than the problems of another. They say what we are going through is absolutely 'normal' (Although the validity of this statement can be somewhat troubling). They say we are fine. All things will soon pass. 
 
I need to go to therapy. (Happy-go-lucky does not exist in high school, I've wondered if people have noticed this thusfar? Things are not what they seem.) Ignore this digression, I go off on tangents too much for my own good.

Anyway. It all started in new york city. What is happening when you realize that only by means of resorting to physical self-violence can only distract from emotional pain? But a smile can assure others that everything is okay. We are alright. Look at our smile.

No. This is one isolated incident. Nor is it serious. Don't be worried.
I think sometimes I wish I was borderline insane. To cope? Or is it an excuse? I wish it were an excuse.
Digression. Digression.

Welllwhowhoawhowhoawelllllll.

Is truth worth the drama? Is it better to lie to make everybody happy? Or is it better to tell the truth and make yourself happy? Tell the truth and there is freedom from living a life of fabrication. Tell lies and nobody gets hurt except yourself.

Everyone says that being selfish is a negative trait. A trait that should be changed.
But is that really such a bad thing?
To be selfish. To live for oneself.
We only have one life. We might as well live it the way we want it to.


Oh how selfish I sound.
Should I change? Or learn?
I want to learn to be selfish.


I'm not saying I'm a very generous person. I'm saying that I think sometimes I live for others. I'm not talking about conformity. I'm talking about being a friend.

(vent) You'd think that's good. But when you're concluded by another (who would ditch you for popularity and social status) for being the crappier friend for absolutely no reason at all nor justification, you begin to wonder. You wonder why you forgive 'said person' relentlessly when you know in the end, they are not going to be there for you when you need them the most. You begin to wonder why in the hell you put up with their shit. You wonder why you do the things they ask such as going with them to some godforsaken area on the other side of the building to pick up a piece of paper just so that they are not 'alone'. You wonder why you stay with them on the phone for hours on end so they can vent about something you have absolutely no care for, they will forget the conversation within 24 hours, and you have five more hours of homework left. You wonder why you're always there for them.

Oh wait right, you did all these things because you thought you were being a good friend. Wait, no. Apparently they think they're the better friend, when in reality they absolutely are not. not at all. not at all. not at allll (end vent)





I want to learn to be selfish.
And tell others how I feel with disregard to any feelings of outside parties besides myself.
I'm not scared. I'm not a conformist. I'm not dependent.
I just want to know, if it's worth it in the end. 

...or is that a contradictory question that disproves what I have set out to justify? I say I'm not dependent. but am I really independent? Is anyone really independent?
...or is it an excuse that enables me run away from my problems?


why am I questioning myself?
insecure much?
much.


digression
digression
digression







bah
2:32 in the morning.
Surely I will fall asleep in class

bye



privacy: public
why?
i dont.

know.
go and have fun