dear xangans…

I never wanted to move, but it seems everyone else has, so I will be too… 

I’m gradually transitioning to a new blog, and overtime will write on xanga less and less. (Depending on who reads this?)

If you’d like my new blog address, leave a comment or send me a private message and I will reply to you with my new blog URL. 

He winced, walking slowly into the exam room. Pain gripping his face. 

Where does it hurt?

“Here.” He pointed to the middle of his left chest. 

UH OH.

He grimaced, leaning back in his chair for support.  ”It awfully hurts.” 

The more I asked, the more I dreaded. I moved quickly. I checked his blood pressure, pulse, temperature, and respirations. Assessed his pain. We got an EKG. Soon after, I called an ambulance. 

Unexpectedly, he hesitated.  ”Wait… I can’t go now, I need to pick up my kids.”

What?! Ain’t nobody got time for that!  Every minute counts here.

His life is my priority but his kids are his priority. What to do…??   Continue reading →

“Is it gonna hurt?” the 10 year old fidgeted on the exam table. 

“Well…” I don’t like to say it doesn’t, because it is a needle. 

“It’s gonna hurt a lot!” his sister, 7 years old, exclaimed from across the room.  

“You’re mean!” he scowled. 

Mom explained. “He laughed at her the last time she got shots.”

The sister chuckled. “It’s payback time.” Continue reading →

“Once you decide on your occupation…you must immerse yourself in your work.

You have to fall in love with your work. Never complain about your job.

You must dedicate your life to mastering your skill.

That’s the secret of success… and is the key to being regarded honorably.”

- Jiro Ono

The greatest sushi chef in the world, Jiro, in Jiro Dreams of Sushi, works relentlessly to master his skill.  Everyday, for the past 70 years, he has committed to making sushi that tastes better than the sushi he made the day before. 

How much of my own life have I dedicated to mastering my skill?   Continue reading →

An excerpt, from my paper journal, that I shared at Mom’s memorial service. 

~ ~ ~

I have been wrestling with the concept of death.

I have been struggling with how life is finite, how it stops and ends there, at death.  How it’s permanent, how it leaves you with this void, an emptiness that never fills again.  The place in my heart previously filled by Mom and all her wisdom, tenderness, words of affirmation, caring gestures and thoughtful gifts; her stories and memories… that place will be quiet, once she is gone.

During a walk the other day, a strong gust of wind blew right before me, whisking the petals right off blooming flowers of nearby trees.  The wind, seemingly invisible, suddenly became very noticeable, beautifully entrapping white petals and green leaves in its arms, swirling around and around, dancing before me like a Viennese waltz.

Those flowers on the trees, they bloom once then fade away.  The leaves overcome them and the petals fall to the ground.  But those winds carried them in every direction in front and behind me. 

It was then that I realized, though the wind cannot be seen, it is very real.  Though the petals may fall, they still dance.  Though death may come, Mom’s spirit will arise, departing for the Kingdom of Heaven to be with God.  Her stories, her memories will be like beautiful flowers waltzing in the wind, accompanying me wherever I go.

Knowing that God is the ultimate Healer and life giver, gives me great peace.  Ecclesiastes, chapter 3 says, “to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven.”  In this season, we mourn the loss of Mom’s life, but for her, death is the end of her suffering, and the beginning of eternity with our all powerful, loving God.

So I pray that this is my comfort and peace, that during our time of grief, I may be firmly rooted in the knowledge of God who is our living Hope.

We’ve entered into a time of waiting.  Mom calls it “waiting to die.”

That’s not what she wants though. She wants to go quick, like “ASAP,” so we could move on with our lives.  She feels guilty, thinking that her illness is holding us back from our daily lives, “where we’re supposed to be.”

(When I hear those words, my heart pangs.) Continue reading →

After swallowing her anti-nausea pills, Mom sat at the edge of the bed, trying to keep the medication down.  The sunlight streamed in through the window and gently brightened her face.  Her black and gray speckled hair was beginning to grow out again, after 2 unsuccessful rounds of chemotherapy. 

What do you do, when medicine fails you?  What do you do, when toxic cancer medications no longer cease its malignant growth?

You wait … till the end.  And you wait in pain.   Continue reading →

… and it is also full of those overcoming it.”-Helen Keller

It has been a difficult lesson to learn, but I have been learning this over and over again: 

Jesus has swum in the depths of my sorrows; He has heard my despair.  

And because of His great sacrifice, I do not suffer alone.  

My soul – once bruised and wounded - 

it is well.

am too tired to write.