socalrox's Xanga

Monday, April 18, 2005

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 14:26:08 GMT

The main reason for this entry is that last Friday, April 8, was the 1-year anniversary of the night I lost my faith in God. So I wanted to reflect on the past year and how it's gone since I left my religion. First, I just wanna say, to all those who didn't think I would make it, Ha! It's been a whole year and I'm better than ever! I didn't need to come running back to religion in order to cope with life! Not that Jesus ever helped me anyway. It's just that my whole structure of meaning was based on Christianity. I think that's why I struggled a lot with depression when I left.

So, a brief summary of the past year: Actually, April 8 was not when I left the religion for good. It was the night when I suddenly realized I didn't believe in the Christian God anymore. I'm not going to get into why it happened, because I've already talked about it in the past. Anyway, I realized I didn't believe in hell anymore, so I could finally leave the faith! But a week later, my fear of hell came back -- it was too strong, it had been taught to me as a young child -- and I returned to the faith for about a month. I was very reluctant about it tho. And my faith continued to be just a negative thing in my life. But I think during that month, I had a distance from my faith, so that I could examine its effect on my life from a more objective standpoint. And I saw how it was making me miserable with guilt and driving me crazy with paradoxes. I really couldn't stand the fact that I had to love God in order to not be put in hell. That just seemed totally wrong to me.

So finally one night, I decided to have it out with God. I would sort it out, one way or the other. I would either be a Christian and submit myself to all the crazy ideas in the Bible, or I would make my own path. And after a time of anguished prayer, I decided, "That's it. I'm not going to do this to myself ever again. It's over. I'm going to find my own way, and see how it goes. If I come back, so be it, but I have to do this for myself." A huge factor in my decision was that I found the evidence for Christianity so lacking that the odds that it was true were no greater than those for any other religion. I wasn't going to dedicate my life to something because of the ever so slight chance that I might go to hell. I value my life more than that. And if God is going to send me to hell because I don't -- can't -- love him, then he is the one who is unjust. Might does not make right. Christianity is supposed to be about right and wrong, absolute moral principles, and "the big guy makes the rules" does not fit with that. That was in the middle of May 2004, so I have another anniversary to celebrate.

After that, I can't remember most of the next month or two. I wasn't really comfortable with my decision, so I think that I was trying not to think about anything. And then sometime that summer, I went to some websites for ex-Christians (most notably exchristian.net), and started coming to terms with my status as a leaver of Christianity. I started trying to figure out what the heck I was, and trying to flush all the Christian junk out of my system. I told my sister about losing my faith, and soon after I told my parents. I still regret doing that because I know it's very sad for them. But on the other hand, I don't think I could lie to them about it forever. I could have stopped going to church, but they would have nagged me about it incessantly. My mother is also very good at weaseling the truth out of me. Also, I have a strong belief in the power of truth, and that if there weren't so many lies in the world it would be a better place. So they know the truth. But I just can't convince myself that it's for the best.

It's hard for me to remember much else about 2004. I do remember one day in the summer being incredibly depressed for no reason, and then I watched a movie that somehow cheered me up enough to carry on. I remember doing a pretty crappy job on my co-op at Xerox that summer, and hating myself for it. I was just so damn lazy. I was lonely too. I watched a ton of movies that summer, it was pretty much all I did.

Toward the end of the year, I started getting more and more depressed. I started this xanga on a really depressed day, then I got better, and then it came back and hung on. I was getting pretty desperate, saying that I should see a psychologist, when I happened across a book on Buddhism in Borders Bookstore. It was a book on emotions by Thich Nhat Hanh. I clung to that book like life itself. The words on its pages were like water from a mountain stream trickling down my throat, my face, my hands, cooling and refreshing me from the inside. Through his gentle introduction to Buddhism, I recovered from my depression in about two months, starting sometime in December.

I also finally started reading about a month ago. I haven't read a book outside of school since I was like 13, and I wish I had not stopped; it would have really helped me out last year! I think as I make use of my mind to contemplate the things I read, it will make me happier, because I hate it when I feel like I'm wasting my abilities, especially mental.

So, can a Christian put me in the tidy little box of the "worldly person looking here and there for the happiness they never find"? I would say, first, that most people are like that, and it's not neccessarily a bad thing. I think we are wired to always be looking to the next thing to give us happiness. It keeps us active, keeps us trying new things. I'm also self-aware enough to know that it's ok not to feel completely happy and at peace all the time. There's also a sense of peace that I often feel when I'm alone, and I never had that as a Christian. It's the simple peace of knowing that I'm on this earth for the purpose of enjoying my life and making my contribution to the world, nothing more. And that "whatever happens here, stays here" -- that is, no hell to worry about. Even if the entire human race becomes extinct, so what? We're just a marble in an ocean of galaxies. It's all a joke, really. Life is beautiful because we experience it as beautiful. As long as you enjoy your slice of life, the cosmic concepts (or lack of them) doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter where the universe came from or where it's going, all that matters is the here and now. And art is a huge part of the human experience, because art is perception and creation, two of our greatest abilities. What I'm trying to say is... I have a pretty balanced perspective on life now, and I believe in the beauty and goodness of the world. What could Jesus possibly offer me?

Friday, January 28, 2005

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:31:32 GMT

His baby died. They're always playing with things, it's a soap opera. Okay, roger up that music. Can't find a bass, she went down. Osama needs a pint? Bastard. I just wanna scalpel you up. You promised me. What a rash. He wanted time. Today I know a nerd. Ann eyed the knotted wrench. Let me try. Just braise on in. They are pros in guild. She doesn't like it. Mm-mm. Ha! Argue dat. Chelsie, good bye, you're stretching your kidney. There you go. Biopsy gun? Stop being so picky. You see the size of that needle? You need a life? Don't talk back. Colonel review. Alright, good wound and moist frogs. Heartbeat slimy. I need a transfusion. Would you reccomend an election? A deutchmark? If she needs a monkey can I give her my other one? You only have one kidney. So it's not possible. I know that you're scared, so let's just take this one step at a time. They're just showing how gullible -- they'll do anything, they'll do anything you say. It says so right here. Is that a problem? No. I posted a request for information.

Nothing like splicing together half-heard text from the TV in the next room! I guess this is Xanga as performance art.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:23:52 GMT

Thela Hun Gingeet!

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 20:52:47 GMT

Hi everyone. <<crickets>> I just wanted to tell you that I actually write a lot of personal, insightful things... on my other blog. But I won't tell you what it is because it's anonymous and that's what makes it good. Just wanted to be straight up with you guys. I think anonymous blogs are better. You can attract people based on what you say rather than who you are, or what circle of acquaintences (I've made only one actual friend, that is, someone who actually calls me, at this wretched little school) you happen to be in. I'm not dissing you guys, my lack of friends partly has to do with the fact that I find most people boring, aloof or pathetic. The pathetic ones are the sheep. Not a big sheep fan. I prefer an anarchist to a sheep any day, at least we're remotely similar. I know the world needs sheep to keep going, but being a sheep at my age involves things like using women and driving drunk, and I say, screw that. Most people don't know anything about how their actions affect others, or they just don't care. Sheep don't seem to realize the concept of interdependence, something that I've always grasped instinctually to some degree. I don't understand why people around me are so inconsiderate and violent. You can say that I have a warped view of the world if you want, in fact feel free, I'm just throwing this out there for opinion.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 03:36:53 GMT

Okay, just to update y'all... I've been getting into Buddhism more and more, and even attempting to apprehend Zen Buddhism. And I feel better than I ever have before. I will admit it, for me, agnosticism was not enough. I needed something to follow, and something to help me overcome my psychological issues. Buddhism has filled both of those slots very well, and I am a much better person because of it. I feel like I have finally started to grow up and take responsibility for my daily attitude toward life. I'm trying to stop complaining and enjoy my privileged life as a middle-class white male.

On a lighter note, I just got 512MB of memory for my laptop, bringing my total up from 256MB to 640MB! (I had to replace a DIMM.) No more grinding the hard drive every time I switch windows! I also discovered my favorite Zappa album in Live At The Roxy & Elsewhere. If you love rock music with complex time-signatures (which probably doesn't apply to anyone reading this :_(, I highly recommend it. It's not that dirty, really. You should be OK if you skip "Penguin In Bondage", which isn't explicit but does dance around the topic of bondage.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 04:30:25 GMT

Sigh... another Wednesday alone at the Jiggle Hut...

Just kidding, I just wanted to say "Jiggle Hut"... it was from a TV show. Hehe!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 04:39:23 GMT

Sometimes, art can make someone smile... And that's when it's all worthwhile. Here's an example:

Sweet Jane by the Velvet Underground

Standing on the corner, suitcase in my hand,
Jack is in his coat, and Jane is her vest, and, me,
I'm in a rock'n'roll band. Huh!
Ridin' in a Stutz-Bearcat, Jim
Y'know, those were different times!
Oh, all the poet, they studied rules of verse,
And the ladies, they rolled their eyes.
Sweet Jane! Whoa! Sweet Jane, oh-oh-a! Sweet Jane!

Ill tell you something,
Jack, he is a banker,
And Jane, she is a clerk.
Both of them save their monies, ha,
And when, when they come home from work!
Ooh! Sittin' down by the fire, oh!
The radio does play,
The classical music there, Jim.
"The March of the Wooden Soldiers".
All you protest kids.
You can hear Jack say, get ready, ah,
Sweet Jane! Come on baby now! Sweet Jane! Oh-oh-a! Sweet Jane!

Some people, they like to go out dancing,
And other peoples, they have to work. Just watch me now!
And there's even some evil mothers,
Well they're gonna tell you that everything is just dirt.
Y'know that, women, never really faint,
And that villains always blink their eyes, woo!
And that, y'know, children are the only ones who blush!
And that, life is, just to die!
And, everyone who ever had a heart, oh,
That wouldn't turn around and break it.
And anyone who ever played a part, whoa,
And wouldn't turn around and hate it!

Sweet Jane! Whoa-oh-oh! Sweet Jane! Sweet Jane. Sweet Jane.
Sweet Jane. Sweet Jane.

Heavenly wine and roses,
Seems to whisper to her when he smiles. ah,
Heavenly wine and roses,
Seems to whisper to her when he smiles. hey!
la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la-la-la, oh
Sweet Jane! Sweet Jane! Sweet Jane! Sweet Jane! Sweet Jane!

Monday, December 20, 2004

Mon, 20 Dec 2004 02:53:10 GMT

I'm starting to get bad vibes from this Xanga. It's like talking into a cave.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 04:39:44 GMT

Hey ya, here's an update on my life, but first... my sister Andrea wants to go to NYC with a guy, and then continue school with no money. Hmm, don't think my parents are going to swallow that.

I just finished the first round of tests for this quarter. I stressed over them, then didn't study, partly because the week was so crazy and partly because of my fear of success, and then did well on them. Life is crazy like that, you know? But they weren't worth much anyways. I asked a girl out last night, and she said no. But I feel good for doing it. That brings my asking out rate up from once a year to once every two months! Hehe! I figure as long as I keep trying eventually I'll get a date, and if I go on enough dates, I'll eventually fall in love. Then I just have to hope the feelings are mutual! Sorry to be so depressing, I don't mean to be! Speaking of dating, I keep getting these urges to come on really strong to random hot girls. I think eventually I'm gonna do it. What's the worst that could happen anyways? Hehe!

Buddhism is going really great. Yesterday I weathered my first bad mood since I started the whole Buddhist thing this weekend. I just felt yucky inside, like a deadness in my chest. But I decided to just do some work and wait for it to go away, instead of my usual tactic of thinking up all the reasons why I might be feeling bad, none of which I can change. And it worked! After about half an hour I felt fine. And this morning, I meditated in one of those study stalls in the library. It was really cool! I feel happy just writing about it. Cherish every moment! That's what it's all about for me right now.

And I have a duty to tell you about the incredible schedule planned this week at the Little Theatre. They will be playing the director's cut of Donnie Darko, which includes 20 minutes of new footage. Also playing is Finding Neverland, starring Johnny Depp, the story of JM Barry, writer of Peter Pan. Tarnation, a documentary, will probably be the most thrilling of the three. The director, Jonathan Caouette, has been filming himself for his entire life, and weaving the pieces into a movie the likes of which the world has never seen. The Chicago Tribune says it's "Artfully constructed and articulated, written, edited and musically designed with often jolting brilliance." I saw the trailer and was hooked real good. The New York Times says "Caouette's triumph over his harrowing childhood and adolescence is itself a huge accomplishment -- but with Tarnation, he has used art, wit and a huge heart to forge his experiences into an unqualified masterpiece." If you are into serious movies, SEE THIS FILM!

And have a lovely break.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 04:09:43 GMT

"Tis the season to shut the fuck up, you whiny little bitch! Stop complaining, yuppie scum, or I'll beat you to death with a baby Jesus!" -- Your Lord And Master, Foamy The Squirrel