Dear Diary,   I awoke in the dark and the whole world was bouncing up and down.  I decided to remedy to situation by waving my arms wildly.  "OW!" "Omg!" "That hurt!" "Sorry somebody.  Where are we?" "I don't know, I think we're on a ship.  Did you get kidnapped when you were eating at Outback?" "No, I was just shopping at Bloomingdale's." "Oh, gross.  Maybe you deserve to be here.  Anyways, do you have some food?  I'm starving." "Yeah I had a takeout Chipotle burrito in my bag somewhere..." "Uh oh.... does it have meat?  Because they wouldn't like that very much." "No no, it's fine, it's vegetarian wrap." "It is?" "Yeah... a vegetarian's meat wrapped in a tortilla!  HEHE!"   So me and some random girl (or a guy with a really high pitched voice) started eating my Chipotle burrito which was unfortunately cold and squishy, but better than nothing.  Suddenly a door was thrown open, blinding us with light.  "WHAT ARE YOU EATING?" "Um... she said it was okay because... this is a um... vegetarian wrapped in a ... um... tortilla?" "OH!  The animality!!"   They weren't too happy about that so I got sentenced to the worst galley job of all.  Separating the colored paper from the whites to recycle.  "HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING?!" "Shut up and sort!" "Ooooh you enviromentalists are such paleo-conservatives!  Out in the real world colored and white people get married but on your ship you can't even have their paper in the same basket!" "PAPER AREN'T PEOPLE!" "That's a slippery slope young man.  First paper isn't people, next you'll be saying that the Chipotle burrito isn't a people!" "Can we make her shut up?  Do you have another tranquilizer dart?  No?  GO FIND ONE." "Here I make my stand!  On these two recycling bins!  I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to self evident that all papers are created equal!"  I have a dream on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former construction paper and the sons of former snobby cream colored resume paper will be able to sit together in the printer of brotherhoo..."   I don't really remember what happened after that, but either I continued to make the greatest (original I might add) speech in the history of humankind or they shot me with a tranquilizer dart. - Michelle Update:  I'm pretty sure I made the speech. - Michelle

Dear Diary,   It was early October and Daddy needed a present!  He may have needed another wallet because I poked a hole in my leather pants and patched them with his wallet, but then again, it might have been for another reason.  What better place for a wallet than Bloomingdale's?!  "Omg hi!" "Hi." "Can I pay for this here?" "Yes." "So... how are things?" "They are well.  Are you preparing for the holiday of Halloween?" "Omg yes!  I wonder what I should be?" "I don't know.  Will you be eating pumpkin pie?" "I guess.  How bout you?" "Oh sorry, I'm a vegan." "What?  Pumpkins are vegetables!  What about tofu pumpkins?" "Don't be ridiculous.  I don't eat tofu." "Oh.  Uh... I'm a little creeped out by you." "Yes, I do enjoy the Asian spices from time to time, though I find them to be relatively acidic." "I don't care." "Acid is bad." "Mister I want my wallet and then I'm going to leave." "I'm afraid I can't do that Michelle." "Why not?" "This wallet is made out of cow." "Well duh, I had to pick something made out of animal if I wanted to pay with my foodstamps." "I can't touch cow products." "I was joking about the foodstamps." "I'm afraid I'm going to have to teach you a lesson about animal cruelty." "It's okay, I watch the OC already, things get pretty bad there."   Mister crazy bald black guy man drew a tranquilizer dart gun and shot me!  It got very dark... - Michelle Update:  When I woke up I was in a raft heading towards a boat called the Rainbow Warrior!  Ahhh!!!! - Michelle Update2: Oh by the way, shopping at Bloomingdale's might be a bad idea unless you like getting shot by a guy who looks like Shaft.  Except without the hair.  You know the Samuel Jackson version.  Well I guess that just means that he looks like Samuelthol.  Yeah.

Dear Diary,   Horrible news.  Where have I been for months?!  I was captured by Greenpeace and just made it out alive.  I must recover from my harrowing journey before I can tell you what they made me do.  Oh... the horrors of being a Greenpeace galley slave are beyond imagination!!! - Michelle Update:  On the plus side, all the 20 hour rowing days, beatings, and the battles with whalers really made me lose some pounds! - Michelle

Church Counsel Ackers Chosen for Youth Pastor Some Question Her Lack of Experience As a Pastor By Michelle Shoe SororityGirl Staff Writer Saturday, October 8, 2005 Reverend Williams nominated Abigail Ackers, his youth counsel and niece, to the Youth Bible Study program yesterday, choosing a woman who broke barriers in the male-dominated Maryland religious world but brings no biblical interpretation experience or background to her new assignment. Williams announced his choice for the church's 110th youth pastor shortly before the program opened its new term under newly installed Chief Pastor Jack Robbins. In Williams' statement, he simultaneously introduced Ackers and defended her religious résumé, which came under immediate attack from some conservative groups. "In selecting a nominee, I've sought to find an American of grace, judgment and unwavering devotion to the Bible and laws of our God. Abigail is just such a person," Williams said. "I've known Abigail for more than a decade. I know her heart. I know her character." But yesterday's response to the nominee left confirmation open to doubt. There was widespread dissent among Williams' usual allies on the right, who questioned whether the 21-year-old possessed the distinguished qualifications and conservative credentials they are looking for in a youth pastor nominee. "How will we know how she stands on the interpretation of the Bible when we don't even know her personal views?" asked Scott Johns, chief counsel of Concerned Youth Pastors for America. "The problem is that those of us who were looking for some tangible evidence of intellectual firepower have found none, and we can't come out of the box supporting her." Ironically, Ackers was, herself, the head of the search for a youth pastor.  Upon her nomination, cries of cronyism erupted.  It remains to be seen how she will perform during the confirmation hearings.

Dear Diary,   You know political correctness?  It's stupid.  And there's one issue in particular that really makes me angry.  I'm tired of being politcally correct about this!  No more can my feelings be repressed!!  I'm just going to come out and say it.  (Hehe, come out.)  Well I'm officially declaring that I hate gays!  You gasp!  You say, why Michelle?  Why would you do such a thing?  It's simple!  They're competition!  You walk in somewhere and you some cutsie and you're like, "Omg, hi." "Hi." "I'm Michelle." "I'm cute." "I know.  Let's go get some dinner!" "Sorry, I can't." "What?  Why?" "Because I'm going with that guy over there.  He just asked me, sorry."   GRR!!  STUPID GAY PEOPLE.  Always prancing around, being gay and taking the men!  Well, from this day henceforth, I declare my official protest of homosexuality in America! - Michelle Update:  That sneaky Milton... I tell him I don't think of him as one of them, but really I talk about him behind is back.  Like right now.  Stupid Milton. - Michelle