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sorrow_and_grace
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Name: Tara
Country: Nepal
Birthday: 2/13/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Jesus. Enough said.
Expertise: I once had a very good description of myself typed up on xanga. But then it disappeared. And only God and cyberspace know where it went.
I am good with languages (English, Spanish, and Japanese are my current languages of choice) and small children (who tend to attach themselves to my legs like adorable little leeches.) My biggest area of expertise, though, is making mistakes, and watching Jesus pick up the broken pieces and fashion something beautiful out of the marred and pain-filled thing that was my life. Fortunately, He's even better at picking up the shards than I am at screwing up, so it works out well for both of us: I get a Savior who rescues me and loves me as I am, and He gets the credit for anything good that comes out of my life, because I'm helpless on my own. And everyone else gets to see how amazing He is. That's about it.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
12/10/2003
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| Hmmmm....Wow. Six months since I last wrote in this little guy. That's kind of a long time, for me.
I dunno. It's been weird. I've been undergoing this strangely beautiful personal transformation, I think...not to someone new, but back to someone I used to be a very, very long time ago. And it's good, and glorious, and extraordinarily painful, all at the same time.
Part of that is that my writing has changed. I've written much less in the last six months than I have in years. Even my journal only has sporadic entries. I guess I got tired of my endless litany of all the same problems...so instead, I read books or play music or make art or write poetry or go on walks or drink coffee or spend time with people, instead of obsessing. Or at least, instead of obsessing on paper. Or at least, only obsessing on paper once in a while. 
There are some bad things about that, but I think it's been good overall. It's been good to think differently, to see differently, to hear differently, and to pray differently than just the same old story, written over and over with different words.
And in some ways, I've been happier for it.
In other ways, it's killed me.
That's probably ambiguous enough for my loyal following who have, I'm sure, been eagerly awaiting the next post for six months now.
Maybe next time I'll post poetry. That's far more ambiguous yet.
~Tara
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| Don't you just hate blog posts with lyrics?Nevertheless, you will find some here...
So we had this secret Santa gift exchange at work--one week, $20 to spend, and a whole lotta' pretending to be sneaky when we secretly already knew almost every person's secret Santa. One of my gifts was a new cd: The Fray's How to Save a Life. I'm sure that Beth and Liz find that amusing, since I borrowed Liz's copy and listened to it nonstop for about a week last summer...and now it's firmly stuck in my head again. The interesting thing is that a lot of the songs on the album (aside from the delicious high drama of the music) contain a lot of food for thought that I've already been chewing on for a long time anyway.
As a side note, my five year old niece already has better taste in music than some of my friends (*cough, cough,* I love you Michaela--Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, etc., etc....see you soon... :)--Katie borrowed my cd and listened to it extensively over Christmas.
So, without further ado, here's a sample of what has been firmly stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. And Joseph Edward, if you read this, I hereby challenge you to find any ambiguity in this post. Can you do it?
"All at Once"
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
Good stuff. And now, friends--adieu!
~Tara | | |
| Jabberwocky
So I was feeling very nerdy because I was thinking about the following poem at work today...but I discovered that my lovely roommate Beth totally has me beat...not only is she familiar with the poem, but she can still sing the Jabberwocky song that she learned about 10 years ago.
And she says that if you ask nicely, she might sing it for you.
Humorously ambiguous...and I didn't even write this. Mmmmm....
Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
~Tara
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| Even more ambiguous than usual.
Sorry,
Joe. :)
Es que, a veces, aunque las palabras sean aire, agua, y pan para mí, no
funcionan para nada. Nada. Y si yo quisiera escribir lo que está
tan fuerte en mí, jamás podría—los hechos hondos dentro de mí no tienen
palabras. Solamente tienen verdades y
mentiras. Y a veces, es muy difícil
saber cuáles son cuáles.
Pero hay
esto: que te quiero.
A tí, y a Tí,
y a todos ustedes. Les quiero.
And soon I think I shall take my infectious little self
off to bed. G’night, friends.
~Tara
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| A collection of ambiguous and possibly unrelated thoughts...A month has passed since last I updated...time to write something ambiguous and confusing for all my loyal readers out there again. Yes, parts of it may be ambiguous. If you care to, feel free to ask me in person what's really going on in my life--I just might tell you. But I'm not the sort to expose those things that really affect or trouble me for a global audience. :)
(This part isn't ambiguous, if you were worried about that sort of thing. At least, I don't think it is.)
*I've been thinking about my personality lately. The Meyers-Briggs test tells me I'm an "ENFP"--extroverted, intuitive, feeling, and perceptive. I've taken the test a few times over the last couple of years. The first time, it shocked me...particularly the "extroverted" bit. I spent most of my time alone for the first 18 or 19 years of my life--and loved it. I've taken it again a few times, and it's fairly consistent. But I'm realizing that the test's accuracy only extends so far. Some of those attributes are definitely situational. And some I consistently pick one type of response but only after deliberating and thinking, "But BOTH of these describe me!" So it's been interesting to think about who I really am. And I'm sure that a test only tells part of the story....and my conceptions of what other people think of me tell a part, and the lies I believe tell a part, and the truth I often struggle to put my hope in tells another part. But at any rate, the test has been useful for me as I've tried to learn why I react to things the way that I do.
I'm only moderately extroverted, which may surprise some of my real life friends...I actually have chosen and do choose to be alone many times in my life, and have enjoyed it greatly. I'm not, in fact, a flaming extrovert. I enjoy people, and often to choose to spend time with them--but I often choose to spend time by myself, reading a book or playing music or researching things on wikipedia (yep, I'm a nerd) as well. What makes the difference is whether or not I have a choice in the matter. If I have a choice, and can choose to be with people or be alone, I often choose to be alone and enjoy it. But if I have no choice, I hate being alone.
I'm about as intuitive as you can get, though. I like ideas and larger concepts and fancy and fantasy and "vibes"...and generalities, even, though some friends would definitely disagree with me there. But the ambiguity only extends so far. If it's something serious, something real, where either I or someone else could get hurt (usually having something to do with relating with others), I love specifics. I love being direct, and honest even when honesty is risky, because I don't want anyone to be hurt by ambiguity. I've been hurt by that before, so I prefer to avoid that whenever possible.
Thinking/feeling is the trait I really wrestle with. The test will tell you I'm a big feeler. And it's true, I am. But I'm a feeler who values thinking. Or a thinker who values feeling. I'm not really sure which. The point is that on questions related to this, I find myself thinking, "Both of these describe me," and then when forced to decide, I choose the more feeling oriented side. I guess it's because I believe it's better to be compassionate than to insist on my own rightness. Don't get me wrong--I think it's good to think clearly. I value thinking deeply and figuring out what's really TRUE and what's really going on. I think it's important to BE right. But when the rubber meets the road, even if I happen to be right, I'll look after the interests of the person with whom I'm talking...not necessarily to be popular or impressive, but because I want to love them well and put their interests ahead of my own. I want to be aware of how other people are feeling and whether or not their being hurt by me being right. There are exceptions to every rule, of course...but that's why I come down on the side of being a feeler. I think long and hard and deeply, but I try to consider how my words and actions will affect my heart and the hearts of the people I'm trying to love.
And then perceptive....yeah. I am. I've always been a fly-by-the-seat of my pants kinda' girl...although schedules and agendas and planners have taken a much larger role in my consciousness since starting a real job. :)
Yeah. That's kind of long and introspective...but it's been on my thoughts. The exceptions to the rule--directness when I'm dealing face-to-face on some serious issue with someone I'm trying not to hurt but ambiguity in most other situations, for example--have been messing with my conception of myself, so I guess I've just been trying to crystallize for myself what's really accurate in regards to how I respond to things.
If you happen to disagree with me on some point in regards to my conception of myself (as Joe did when he pointed out my tendency toward ambiguity), feel free to tell me. You just might make me stop and think. And that's often a healthy thing to do.
(Now for the ambiguity.)
*I've been a little bit of an emo kid lately. I find myself listening to depressive music and drawing weird pictures and writing bad poetry and hurting because of a couple of very specific situations in my life right now. I've been sad a lot. Not depressed, don't worry--I've walked down that road before and this isn't the same. Just really sad. And fighting hard to trust that God knows well what He's doing with me and that His purposes will stand, no matter how hopeless things look to my dim eyes right now. If you're the praying kind of kid, you could do that for me and it would be cool and fun.
And I haven't died my hair black or taken to wearing wrist bands and tight jeans and chucks and t-shirts with weird band names on them or anything, just in case you were worried. So maybe I'm really a closet emo kid.
*I'm really excited about Bible study this year. My freshman girls are *amazing* and I'm so encouraged by all their questions and thoughts on what the Word has to say about the topics we're studying. It's so refreshing to me...and I love getting to look at Scripture with new perspectives.
*Work is...hard. It's good, and it's where God has me, but it's definitely challenging, in a whole lot of ways, for a whole lot of reasons. If you're the praying kind of kid, you could pray for this as well.
*Rest is something I've not gotten enough of lately.
*I would love to tell [you] just exactly every single thing that I think about [you.] But I can't right now. But regardless...[you're] amazing, and I'm confident the LORD is working in [you]. And in me, as well. And [you] make me smile, and pray my guts out. I appreciate all [you] are and all [you] do, even when [you] frustrate me sometimes. And when [you] frustrate me, or even hurt me by mistake, [you're] still so very dear to my heart. So...thanks.
*I want to be someone who loves, HARD, even when it hurts, and even when it's hopeless, and even when it seems like I won't live through the loving. The ones I love are worth it. And so is He.
*I've got Joseph Arthur's "In the Sun" playing in my head. It fits well with my emo kid theme.
*Does anyone ever read this anymore other than Joe and Becky and random people off of facebook?
Good night, friends.
~Tara
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