So it's Thursday... this week has been terrible.  So Brittany stayed the night this week.  It's been forever since she's stayed the night with me.  Tonight Sam and Brittany are staying the night.  Let's talk about the funny stuff...so Brittany and I had to drive to Dayton...I had to take the highway...semi almost hit us...Brittany almost took a pee when that happened.  And I just laugh...to keep me sane..and not cry.  So, I'm hardly ever in Dayton, and I had to drive in it.  I guess my sense of direction isn't that bad.  We ended up back at the apartment.  She called me a physco *not a nice word* when she got out of the car lol.  Big girls don't cry...huh..coincidence by Fergie?  I think not.  Umm...so Nathan and I are picking up and leaving.  Unfortunately we're coming back.  I think we may go to Chicago.  We went there together in the 8th grade...with the Honor Club.  Of course, we weren't an item then.  He thought I was stuck up.  So funny how things turn out.  But yeah I think we're going to do some of the same stuff that we did there.  Umm....this park, aquarium...some other places.  I won't leave...family is too important to me...oh yeah brb..gotta call sisters..busy of course.  Well I told him I can't leave my grandparents.  Now that I've moved out...I see how much they've done for me.  I love them very much.  I respect them.  Like Sunday I went to Flying Tiger with my grandparents.  And I was finished eating, of course my grandma being her..says why don't you eat that pience of chicken, its a good one.  I know that is a bad example...ok ok here's one.  Like the whole jacket thing.  Umm...anyways...

Nathan just called me.  I don't wanna start crying again.  It's hard to work...when something is digging at you inside.  Work is for work...coming home is when I can cry.  You know it makes it really hard when Nathan's been the one I cry to.  I'm trying to hold myself together, while telling no one whats wrong.  Well...hardly anyone.  I'd rather not talk about it.  Especially when you feel like you're partly the one to blame.  Just wishing...different choices would have been made.  But I love him more and more each day.  I think sometimes we see past what everything is really about, and get petty.  This card I gave to Nathan said...if life is a journey I want to walk through it with you.  Or something like that.  I mean he's my best friend.  I don't just see him as a boyfriend.  But someone I just like to "hang out" with.  Anyways...I think finally finally sometime soon I hope to start learning what our Accounting department does.  My boss wants to know what I know...so I need to do some refreshing.  And talking about that...grandma's getting onto me about school again.  Which I'm starting..well now probably fall.  "You're not going to go any furthur if you don't go back to school."  I'm getting all the experience I can working full time...I'm gonna go back to school I promise Grandma!  Ok well blah blah I'm boring.  Got a head ache of course.  ikvm fmflkfgbhfdmnlktb.  b fgv mr thats what I think.  BABY...my sweetheart....I love you !!!!!! 

Hey I figured out how to use the t.v as a monitor.  And I know how to use the surround sound...isn't that amazing?  lol.  Ok I'm finished rambling....BYE

Lunch

So here I am.  No idea where to start.  To be quite honest, I find the things that I am feeling…the things that I am thinking to be scary.  Where am I to run now?  When I’ve pushed everyone out of my life.  The rage I can feel it burning my chest.  Wanting to scream.  Wanting to get out, but not knowing how.  All my life it has never been about me.  What is going to make me happy.  Maybe that’s what is wrong with me.  I chose to live, so now I must suffer.  My best friend…was the person I loved with all of my heart.  My whole being, was somehow wrapped around him.  But now, when I used to be so precious to him, I feel like any other person that he doesn’t care about.  Please try for me?  Can’t you see, how hurt I am.  Look in my eyes..deep down, and see me crying out for your attention.  Willing to do anything to get your attention.  Maybe even by hurting you.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I don’t know what else to do.  I find myself, and I hate who I am.  I hate every aspect that makes me, me.  I only trust myself, but I can’t depend on myself.  I’m trapped.  My family…can’t even begin to understand what is going on with me.  All they can see is that I’m not doing what they want.  I cried for your help.  I needed your help.  But it’s not the help I need.  Love me for me.  Please love me for me.  It’s hard to love yourself, when you feel you don’t deserve to be loved.  Beaten as a child, born to a mother, who’s father doesn’t love his baby girl.  School, you can do better.  A teenage girl who always has to look in the mirror, because the first time was unsatisfactory, and then the next, and next.  Pushed from home to home.  Not having a place to really call home.  Is this my destiny?  If so, why.  Tell me…why is a child brought into this world...to be beaten and talked down upon because you are not “real” family.  All my life I have wanted to be accepted, loved.  And sometimes finding it in the wrong place.  This is my life.  A girl doesn’t know what is wrong with her, so she buries it deep within…and one day kills herself.  But no one understands why.  This is my story.  The signs were there.  Couldn’t you see her fear?  Out of her comfort zone her entire life.  Finding a boy who made her feel at home.  Who made her feel loved, special.  She found what she wanted.  But maybe, you took it too far.  Don’t test people…to see if they love you.  Finding out you’re not important enough to fight for, hurts.  When you already knew it.  Again, this is my life.  I can’t understand it.  Please help me understand why I am the way I am…please help me to understand why I feel the way I do.  When I cry, my insides hurt.  It’s as if my organs are being pulled at, like someone is trying to pull them out of my body.  A little girl’s mother…blames her because she is afraid of taking the blame.  But it’s ok mommy, you’ll be ok.  I don’t want to hear her cry.  I hit you, kick at you…just so you will leave her alone.  So you turn to me.  Flash backs of my past.  And when I see that look in your eyes, I tremble inside because I know what is about to happen.  Little sisters, who really are “daddy’s little girl” you see why I was so hateful, and jealous?  Do you see why I’m so insecure?  A little girl is told by her father, that her grandparents won’t live very long because they are old…do you see what happened to me?  I don’t want your pity.  I don’t want it.  I want to move on, I want to be happy.  A little girl has bad dreams…waking up crying in bed, because she had a dream she was being beaten.  What you can do to a child.  A teenager promises herself she will never be with someone who hits her, or makes her feel worthless; now is, because he was so perfect.  This girl, wants him to fight for her.  Love her.  Help her.  Help him.  Love, live, and grow.  This is what I want.  For someone to fight for me, once in my life.  Not to let me leave…be pushed out of another “home” or whatever you want to call it.  I feel like a foster child, who no one wanted.  That was me.  A uncle tells your mother, that the baby should be put up for adoption.  That baby should have an older brother.  But he didn’t get to chose his destiny.  Abortion.  One word, makes me shudder.  I sit here alone, and cold…and there should be tears running down my cheek.  But I’ve cried so much, that now I only feel the pain.  Does the boy truly care about the girl?  Is he there beside her?  No… he sleeps, like always.  The girl is left alone.  Alone, maybe that is her destiny.  Her destiny was already chosen for her, before she ever even took her first breath of life.