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| i feel so old. i think i fell in too deep<3
even if i had the choice to climb out, i probably would stay in the hole.
off to orlando to see my man, goofy! =] | | |
| school's over!
finals are done!
as of today, i'm free like a bird! | | |
| Hope. What is hope? They say Pandora opened the box which contained all the evils of the world. Coughs, sneezes, anger, greed, envy, all flowed out of the box. And in the end, comes Hope. Why is it the last to arrive? Because it is the most painful, most dangerous.
Put yourself in a 5 year old child's position. Imagine it's Christmas eve. You've been waiting all year for this moment to arrive. The toys on the list that you've sent Santa will be sitting under the tree. The horse, the game systems, a rifle, a huge car, new transformers that can replicate itself. Leaving Santa 5 big chocolate crunchy cookies, you couldn't wait until tomorrow morning.
Day breaks. The sun creeps through the cracks of your window which blinded you for a mere second. Then you come to realize this is the day. All those months, those weeks, not to mention days, you've endured for this one moment. You run down the stairs, stumbling on ornaments that haven't been put up. Your face widened. Piles and piles of gifts that you've imagined were struck down to a mere small 5 inch wrapped boxes.
You think it's hard on him now? Imagine when he hears the story about Santa Claus is hoax. Ladies and gentlemen, children are not the only ones that have hope, we all should know that very well. Let's have another example. I'm good with examples =]
One teenage couple was getting hot one night and decided to do something to spice up their relationship. Undressing each other, they believe they are mature enough to become sexually active. The condom broke in the middle of intercourse. Shocked as they were, they decide to stop and get tested. Days later, the lady was in the bathroom using the pregnancy test kit. She comes out of the restroom and patiently waits with the guy to see what the end result is.
They thought this all out: they are not financially capable of raising a child this early in their life stage. If she were to become pregnant, she has the option of an abortion which would cost her thousands. They can also leave it up for adoption. Not to mention, if it reaches their parents, they wouldn't know how to survive until then since they might be disowned. Raising a child meant taking on full time jobs. Anxiety breed within these two individuals. What if it came out positive?
Hope is in everything we do. Everytime you take the bus, go to school, jog around the park, opening the door, or even sleep in bed, we hope nothing bad happens. When you take out your mini Ipod, you hope you don't break it cause it's some expensive sh*t. Everytime you go to school and see that special someone, you hope they would look your way. Everytime you eat cereal, you hope the manufacturers didn't pour Mr. Clean in it. Everytime you take a test and bombs it, you hope you at least pass with the minimum grade. Everytime you wake up and look out the window. Everytime you see your friends. Everytime you are happy. Everytime you experience joy, the wonders of life, you just hope this moment would last forever. You hope you can live forever.
Inevitable. Hope is crushed because of the inevitable. What is the inevitable? Death. And for all you "I don't believe in predetermined life or fate or whatever crap", Death is predetermined, death is fate. You can count on that. Because death exists, hope is rendered useless, even for the good of things. That is unless, of course, you hope for death.
Rather absurd writing this entry after a game of Warcraft III and Starcraft. Games are rather inspiring. Who ever said games dull your mind? Go suck my nuts cause this is my masterpiece biznatch. ggG pwnD n0 RE! btw we lost that game to a buncha noobz >.<
Ground Rules: The 1st player of this "game" starts with the topic "5 weird habits of yourself" and people who get tagged need to write a xanga entry about their 5 queer habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next 5 people to be tagged and list their xanga IDs. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "You are tagged" in their xanga and tell them to read yours.
1. weird habits eh? I'm generally weird, but whatever. Everytime I brush my tongue, i start tearing.
2. Everytime I watch an intense horror movie, I close my mouth with my hand cause i'm afraid that i might scream.
3. when i'm alone on the train, i stare at the doors. hence, i prefer the seats near the doors.
4. i usually have a straight face. however, i'm rarely bored. but when i smile too much, my face gets tired. then, i just hate smiling after a while.
5. i laugh at the most stupidest things and it can get me cracked up so bad that i can laugh for a good 20-30 minutes.
screw the last part. you wanna get tagged, go get tagged. i'm bored, but im lazy.
| | |
| Contradiction is one simple word that defines the functions and
schematics within life. Nothing ever comes out with a straight and
forward answer. Nothing ever comes without a bundle of consequences in
result with our actions. Even if we receive a simple answer, even if we
receive the least consequences, it still results in bafflement as to
how a simple answer can be so complicated. In the state of perplexity,
we seek solutions as how to solve our predicament; the solution usually
would be blame. The accusations would be imposed on individuals who are
related in some way to the quagmire. Such blames not only hurt the
individuals but also to the one that created it all.
One cause of this onset are false promises. Promises that yield no
vain. "I'll stop bothering you after you complete this task." Such a
statement is a contradiction within itself. If the task fails to meet
the expectations of the individual, endless jargon from the person
would continue. However, once complete the task, the individual would
stop bothering, right? In most cases, the person would change their
distinctive behaviorial traits and in the end, that would bother you
even though the individual has stopped speaking nonsense.
Ideas and the way one express oneself are all learned traits in which
society helps develop, more specifically, the school and family. In
both cases, the phrase "Do the right thing" are enforced. Family taught
you the customs and morals that an individual needs whereas school
taught manners and how to behave. What they have in common is
discipline and most of the time you would have to obey their orders. In
this scenario, you are faced with a dilemma. You were told by a teacher
to do something that contradicts what your morals that were taught by
your parents. How would you "do the right thing" when in both cases are
technically right?
While I was attending speech class, my professor touched in a subject
that rarely any teacher nor professor ever stepped upon, suicide. Now,
suicide is a very personal and dramatic topic. Suicide does not
discriminate. However, if a person who is susceptible to suicide
attends a committee which deals with such matters, they are faced with
a rigged question. "Have you ever contemplated suicide?" If yes, well,
then that factors more into the suspicion. However, if the answer is
no, they would call you a liar. Everyone has contemplated suicide at
least once in their lifetime. "Everyone has had tough and depressed
times, but what makes that individual to take that last step? Are they
any different than the rest of us who doesn't? Let me tell you all one
thing. You are not alone. You can walk down the street, in the subway,
around the campus, in the dorms, and everyone you meet has had their
blues but they rebounded back. Just tell them, you are just like me.
And I want to see you all here alive on Monday. Have a good weekend."
(something along those lines, I can vaguely remember since my memory is
so short-termed.)
I have no conclusion because this matter is so extensive that I don't
remember what to write. No, I'm just kidding. I just don't know how to
write a conclusion lol
| | |
| so..
college began a few weeks ago. quite an experience, i would say. the
beautiful sceneries, the chirping of the birds to the buzzing of the
bees which sets an ambiance that envelops the campus life. the
buildings has that antiquated design and everywhere you go, you somehow
see a cross either at the steeple of the church, or on top of a door
frame. but one of the buildings i came to like most, was the library.
the setting was just perfect. silence. it wasn't like highschool where
people have to be constantly informed about being quiet. everyone knew
the rule, knew what they had to do. and time isn't a luxury anymore.
there's no more of that "oh, i'm bored, let's just sit around until my
lightbulb goes on".
even though, it isn't highschool anymore, there are remnents of old
highschool work habits that still exists in those college kids, wait..
so-called "college" kids. poor work ethics and just their attitude to
being in class, just disgusts me. how can you pay thousands of dollars
to attend school, just to fool around? anyway, that's their own
problem. but somehow, i'm involved in it as well.
textbooks are key to success. they are pricey, and when totaled, it
becomes an extravagant amount which makes you go "WTF, how did i ever
spend so much?" then again, there are dilemmas and setbacks to it.
searching for the books listed, and the professors only inform you the
first day of class. books running out at the store, lines stretching
across blocks, phone calls with no response or out of stock of a
certain book, and the time for delivery online.
that's just the beginning of the marvelous adventure, the path to see
the wizard, the yellow brick road. there are also the professors that
has to teach the lessons, the long lectures, the endless ramblings. my
biology teacher (yes, i call her a teacher, she doesn't deserve the
title, professor) brought in two dolls, one of a bulldog and one of a
ladybug. she used it as a presentation guide or a way to involve the
kids. it was somehow related to living/non-living organisms. and
somewhere in the period, she started walking the dog. completely
ridiculous. it's a class with a retarded teacher. hence, a retarded
class.
second, i have english. she is a respectable professor, one that
actually tried to get to know the kids. someone who enjoyed her job.
i've never liked english prior to this date, but i guess things do
change. it's a pretty straight forward easy going period.
next was discover new york (dny, as they call it). honestly, the class
was simply a waste of money. 3 days i've spent in class listening to
lectures and presentations which organizations and school officials
did. putting class time aside for some hunk of junk? not only that, the
teacher gives out the most bullshit projects and assignments and you're
like "wtf does this have to do with anything?" i despise this period
the most, not only of all of the complaints i've listed above, but the
students there as well. for this project which i have to research on
queens, i have three so-called "college students". you know that first
impression in which you meet a person and in your gut, you know they
aren't good people. well.. maybe they are, but poor work ethics, i
mean, really poor work ethics. two of them barely show up to class from
time to time. and the other doesn't give a rat's ass about the class.
for any of your concern, i'm done with my portion of the project, let's
see how if they can surpass my expectations. better yet, even meet the
low requirements i've set on them already.
last class of the day on mondays,wednesdays, and fridays: speech. oh
beloved class which is held in marillac hall, my only class with air
conditioning. i always despised public speaking. i cannot stand the
endless rows of eyes. but these past 3 weeks or so, i've learned to
face that fear, especially with my first introductory speech which
proved flawless. actually, i've never finished that speech, but i've
received a grade of A-, which was higher than i had expected. however,
that grade was only for testing purposes and not one for grades. but
you know what? i've received a grade of an A today, which was the
highest grade for the class as of yet. the professor really seems to
know me, and if you ever develop a bond or relationship with a teacher,
never let it go sour. the "hi's" and "hello's" when first entering the
door, and i swear, he gives me handshakes like every other day. call me
a teacher's pet or whatever, but i know the other kids are hating on me
cause im gettin a better grade than they are. sucker!
the only class that i have on tuesdays and thursdays is history. the
professor, i guess, seems to know what he's talkin about. but with no
enthusiasm at all. the endless droning, all just seems like a
cacophony. made a few friends there, and all we do is just IM each
other and talk about nonsense.
but after a long day of work, walking back out to gate 1 entrance,
standing there with about 40 or so commuters at the bus stop, waiting
for the Q30 or 31 to come by, makes you ponder about the wonders of
life. holding onto the handrailings while being sandwiched by bookbags
and asses. the swirving movements of the bus and the sudden shrieking
stop of the brakes. the instant pouring of students out into the street
upon the stop request at 169 and hillside. the humid and hot
environment of the subways. the sudden cooling effect as the train
doors open and the rush of air conditioned breeze flows out the door
makes you wanna moan cause it's like better than anything in the world
at that moment. the tremendous amount of space you have because there
are barely anyone on the same train as you. after an hour worth of
gazing off into space, coming out of the station and retracing your
steps back to what you used to call "home".
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