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spritelywench
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Name: spritely (as in a fa
Birthday: 5/11/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: finding out God, family, friends, learning, piano, guitar, sleeping, outdoors, sky, stars, sun, clouds, moon, food, Marines, love, reading, poetry, grass (the kind you walk on), air, wind, the human form, Theater of Ted, photographs, photography, cameras, light, jewlery, shiny things, amnimals, my puppy dog, bunny rabbits, comparative religion courses, women's studies classes, finding a major, rain, snow, blankets, dew, Living Canvas, religious studies, communication, my boyfriend, nature, life, lots of pillows, fuzzy warm blankets, the good stuff in life, simple things, debate, fighting for women,
Expertise: HAHAHAhahahaha.... me and expertise!
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oh. you're serious...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
9/27/2004
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Basic update.
We're headed up to Tinley Park this afternoon for my
cousin's high school graduation party. We were originally planning on
leaving around 12. That went out the window. :)
Things have been going ok here. Getting a lot of legal stuff and thank you cards done. Finally. So many of them.
I
started writing in my journal about it. That was hard. But it was
getting to me when I didn't. I'll be finishing this one soon. Already.
I wrote all the time in Colorado. And everything with dad will fill the
last 1/4 of it.
Working on getting back into a regular sleep
schedule. Slowly. I'm going back to work at the Alamo II next week,
just to make a few monies while I'm still home. But in the end I only
work for 4-5 days. Oh well. They'll take me.
Heading back to
Colorado on July 4th. I can't wait! But I'm also trying to concentrate
on living in the moment and enjoying my time here. I love my mom and
really don't mind living with her. But she said from the beginning I
need to go back. And I know if I didn't I'd come to resent it. Still
feel a bit guilty about leaving though. But I will love it once I'm out
there. Mom will be coming to visit some time in September. It'll be
awesome!
Ok, now to go work on this leaving thing for real. Packing! | | |
| The visitation today was so good. So good. There were tons of people.
There was a line around the corner of the room for 2 hours straight. It
was wonderful to see how many people knew and cared about dad. Dad's
spirit was so full there that it was like he was just there with all of
us. We had 7 crammed photo boards and a slide show running, plus his
favorite music playing over the speakers. So many people love us and
support us and helped with everything. It really was a happy day for
me. I don't think it could've gone any better.
I
don't think it's set in yet that when Sunday comes, dad won't be coming
back from wherever he's been. Cause that's what it feels like right
now. That dad is gone temporarily and will return when all the
hullabaloo is over. It will eventually sink in. And it won't be so
nice.
But today was good. I spent most of the day laughing and smiling. Not too much crying. | | |
| Welcome to Colorado!Allo! From Colorado! Where it is a bit chillier in the morning, and warm throughout the day. Get up before 7, in bed around 10. I love it. Work from 9-about 5 or 6. Spend your afternoon and evenings relaxing, talking, walking to town (oh I took a long walk yesterday)going hiking in the mountains (hopefully I'll begin that today) or reading and writing. It's kind of amazing. It feels like a paid vacation where I have to help out around the place.
Let's see. So far Shadowcliff is not open. We are preparing everything for open next week. Most of the staff is here minus a couple. And extra volunteers. I love talking with them! This weekend we get about 30 more volunteers to help. Then Monday we're open for lodging. That's when our regular schedules begin. Rotating between different things. As of now, I've cleaned out all of Cliffside lodge, scraped and painted the deck, moved what felt like a billion chairs to storage (more like 40 or 50), helped set out lunch a couple times, random other things. Every day is different and today is only my third day of work. Wow. It feels like I've been here so long, in a good way.
I am fully acclimated now, and want to go hiking. That may happen today or tomorrow. I've heard of a couple trails that sound great. one that opens into a field full of wildflowers, though it's a bit early for that yet. And one that goes to Adams Waterfall, which is absolutely raging right now because all the snow and ice are still melting. Maybe to that one in the next day or so. We'll see what happens. I've got all summer to do stuff. Yay! | | |
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So, Happy Mother's Day.
And Happy Birthday to me.
And one week till I leave for Colorado.
I
have been very happy to think about Colorado for a while. I had finally
figured out that I really do have to go. If I don't go, I will further
resent my father, though it is not something he's doing intentionally,
of course. He simply carries the cancer that has changed our lives so
dramatically. If I don't go I will hate myself a little more and I will
be even more angry and bitter at the world in general. So I finally
realized it will be good for me to go and I was happy about this. It
will be a break for both dad and I. I have been looking forward to
Colorado for the past couple weeks, after a large period of doubting
whether to go or not.
Last night mom and I were enjoying time
alone together, after everyone else had gone to bed. She was more awake
than usual from late coffee. We snuggled and talked and I felt a nice
connection between a mother and daughter who share a birthday with
Mother's Day. It was so nice and lovely.
But eventually she
brought dad up. Which seemed to ruin it a bit for me. But she was
right. We had to make plans for what I'm going to do if something
happens suddenly and I need to come home. We are 2 1/2 years into dad's
cancer and Lord knows that is amazing. We can't expect it to last
forever and Dad has had some scary periods lately. So we worked some
things out.
I tried to tell her I was working on how to talk to
dad about the things that keep us from having a good relationship.
Though hell knows I mostly don't know what they are myself. Just that I
have always had problems getting along with my dad. The things that I
do know are rather hurtful things for us to discuss. No way it could be
an emotionless discussion, though I wish it could be. I cannot deal
with dad's excessive emotions these days. I had decided to write letter
drafts to organize my thoughts and eventually talk to dad about them
when I got back. She said I should do it before I left because who
knows what would happen by the time I got home. But I can't. I can't
force it that fast and I don't know what to say and I don't want
everything to be so volatile before I leave. We're in a calm stasis
right now that I don't want to change. Even though I know that it's
merely a reaction to my leaving and if I were not we'd be irritating
the hell out of each other like regular. It's a false calm that is not
result of an actual change. Deep down I doubt any real change will
happen. And discussing such hurtful things will only cause more pain.
Both dad and I need to change so much and the chances of us both
changing enough to solve things seems so impossible. Though I know you
can never really tell until you try. Such a risk either way.
So
anyway, these are the things on my mind. Scary, angering, frustrating,
exciting things. Oh, and my sister told my mom that she doesn't think I
should go to Colorado. That I will regret going when dad ends up dying
while I am gone. Or at least fades away to the point that when I return
there will be nothing like my dad left to communicate with and thus
maybe resolve things or at least have some closure. And I know this is
a possibility. Of course I've thought about it. Hence the long period
of debate or whether to go or not. But like I said, I finally realized
the need to go, for both him and I. Yet now all this comes up again.
And my own sister thinks I shouldn't go. Though she wouldn't tell me
this. Yeah, I'm a little angry at her for this. But I know she only
thinks this for the love of both of us. But she doesn't understand. She
doesn't have the same relationship as dad and I do. She lives 3 hours
away. She hasn't had to come home every weekend from school or been
home every day to deal with it all. I don't resent her for this, she
had already begun her own life in Wisconsin when we first found out
about dad's cancer. She has put her life on hold in other ways than I
have. She had struggled in other ways than I have because of the
distance. But on this subject, while she does have the objective 3rd
person viewpoint I suppose, she does not understand.
*Sigh* This
is enough. I am going. It has already been decided. I'm not changing my
mind. I've already thought long and hard about it, and I've already
paid for the tickets. I am fully aware of the consequences, or that I
may have to skip out early. And my bosses know the deal. I told them my
situation and they understand. So I just need to make my own peace with
it and take it as it comes. I will work on what to say to dad. But I
honestly don't think I am ready to talk before I leave. I do
not know what to say yet, nor have I figured out the details of why.
But we'll see. I have to hope and pray that dad will still be here by
the time I do talk to him. He is waiting. And he understands that I
have to deal with some things on my own before I am ready to talk. I
don't want to do it in anger. I also realize that this talk could come
after dad dies. But that is the risk I take. Maybe I will hate myself
if I do, maybe I won't. It's my own risk.
But I'm going to Colorado.
And I will be excited.
No one will stop me. | | |
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It's been a while since I've updated. But now I shall. Because I am still alive!
I've
got my tickets for Colorado! I leave May 18th and come back October
4th. I can't wait! I'm very ready to get out of here for a while.
Though there's a lot of things I need to do between now and then. I
really should be working on filing reports for my Social Security
snafu. But the paperwork is so confusing and it's such bureaucratic
bullshit. Could they think of any way to be a little less helpful?
Anyway,
last weekend was much fun. Spent the weekend in Minnesota visiting a
friend from high school, Heather. Went up with a bunch of other girls.
Picked up Tracy from O'Hare in Chicago along the way. Mel and Heather
were the other two. We ate out at a wonderful restaurant Friday night
called the Woodfire Grill. If you're ever up in Minneapolis, I suggest
you eat there. Pricey, but well worth it! Absolutely delicious. I had a
swordfish kebab with veggies and garlic smashed potatoes. Laura had the
same but with lamb. Mel and Heather both had different brick oven
pizzas and Tracy had a tasty lentil soup with a huge salad. Everything
was so delicious! Then we spent a couple hours at the Bonfire Grill (no
relation between the two) where we enjoyed a show of dueling pianos.
Saturday
we headed down to the Mall of America. Good lord! I thought Woodfield
was overwhelming! MOA is so much more! But it was a lot of fun to
explore. The one shop we were all looking forward to so much, however,
was closed! P.B. Loco. It's a peanut butter place that sells all sorts
of peanut butter flavor mixes and also makes food for you like toast
and breakfast stuff. We were planning on breakfast there, but it didn't
happen. So we had crepes instead! I LOVE crepes. I got a savory ham and
cheese one as well as a Nutella one. So tasty. I was very happy. We
headed back to Rochester that night, where Heather actually lives, and
hung out watching Disney movies, singing along to the songs. It was
great. :) Had to leave early Sunday morning to get back home in time
for Mel to get to work at 4. She tried to get it off, but Sunday is
almost impossible for her.
All in all it was a pretty great
weekend. Though I was ready for some alone time when it was over. It
was great to see Tracy though. I'll see her next weekend again when she
comes home for Easter. I'm looking forward to this summer when she
comes out to visit me in Colorado for about 5 days. It will be great!
Wednesday
night I went and saw Dropkick Murphys in Chicago with Latini (my Latin
class friends). We'd only seen Flogging Molly a few weeks ago, so it
was another night of fun. Flogging Molly was amazingly loud as usual.
Couldn't hear out of my right ear for 3 days. We ended up kinda right
in front of the speakers. But I love me some Flogging Molly. I got one
of their new shirts at Hot Topic in MOA. It's from their Dead 17 tour.
Dropkick was great too, though I do not know as much of their music.
Their acoustics were much better though. And not so ear splittingly
loud. I could hear afterwards! They were a good show to jump around to.
I must get some of their music from Dan...
At Flogging Molly I
stayed on the edge of the pit with Quin and had a lot of fun. Still got
pushed around a lot so it was nice. We met a very good looking guy,
Matt. He and Quin hit it off. They've been hanging out for a while now.
And then he came to the Dropkick Concert so us three were in the pit
again. Fully in this time. It was great! Aliz, you would've been so
proud! How is it that I've been friends with you so long and yet never
gone to a concert with you? We must remedy this. I used the hiking
boots Debmom gave me and my toes were safe.
It was awesome to see
the camaraderie between punks. Every time someone fell down, everyone
around them paused and pulled them up. I fell once and was on my feet
again in a second. Sure, you're pretty much pushing and shoving the
crap out of one another while you're in the pit, but it isn't
malicious. There's a camaraderie about it. No one is trying to break
one another's nose. Though I saw that on the sidelines a couple times.
I almost wish I had gotten a black eye or something, just so I could
show it off. *sigh* Ah well.
I did break Quin's new bra though.
She went down right away when the band came on stage. That first surge
forward knocked her down. So I reached down to the back of her shirt,
gripped, and held on, trying to pull her up. She's pretty short anyway.
Well I had her bra strap in hand and managed to rip the right side in
back. It was a bra where you can adjust how you wear the straps anyway.
But I made new holes in it. Oops. I offered to buy her a new one. We'll
see if she says yes. I was only trying to save her from getting
trampled!
Other than that it was a ton of fun. We had to head back
home right after cause Dan's friend that came, Kelly, had a doctor's
appointment early the next morning. Otherwise we would've stayed the
night with Quin and had much fun. As it was, I'm sure she and Matt
enjoyed their night together anyway.
I got to sleep in Thursday
morning cause I didn't have to work till 3. 3-9 for inventory. Went
really smoothly this time. Friday we ended at 3, though the bulk of the
work had been done at 1:30. We're getting better and better at
preparation. Every time previously we never finished scanning till
Friday night and then had to come in Saturday to do auditing. We
finished 100% auditing Friday afternoon. So no work for me today! Quite
nice.
I should prolly go get clean and dressed for the day. My
grandparents are down. My little second cousin, Sammy, is having a
birthday party today. I may or may not go. I'd like some time at home
to myself, but we'll see. I'll prolly have to go. Even though I feel
anti-social right now. Ah well.
Alright, off I go to start another day in earnest. | | |
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