Several days ago, one of Xanga's fine bloggers,
Mike_Bolognese, got me thinking about the topic of forgiveness. He didn't really write about it directly, but his prayerful reaction to a person prejudiced against Catholicism got me thinking about how I respond to those who hurt me.
I guess I'm saying I've got a problem with forgiveness. I have trouble forgiving others who have hurt me, and I have trouble forgiving myself. This has me worried.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"
I never thought about this part of the Lord's Prayer. Well, I didn't used to think about any part of the prayers I said robotically since childhood. But during a retreat years ago someone I no longer remember pointed out that we normally say this portion with a pause or a comma:
"Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"
When there is no comma:
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us"
See how it changes the meaning of the phrase? The first implies the two are occurring parallel to each other, or perhaps as though some sort of exchange of forgiveness is going on. Please forgive us our trespasses, God, and we'll forgive those who trespass against us. Tit for tat. Or something like that. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
Politely. But this long ago person pointed out that there is no space in that phrase. God will forgive us our sins the same way we forgive those of others. I understand that as meaning: if we don't forgive - we may not be forgiven.
Oh, dang - really?
Someone who knows please tell me if I got this wrong!
Politely.I hope that when the time comes for God to give me his final review, that he forgives me more than I've forgiven others. Which brings me to my little realization about myself this week - that I have trouble forgiving.
I have tons of good qualities. I'm generous, extremely loyal, patient, and I can be cheery and funny. If you have me, you've got me for life. Be ye friend, family, or Better Half.
But if you screw me, I'll never forget it. And I'll never truly forgive you. Oh, I will think I have, but much later I'll search my heart and find that some rage is still in there. And if I can hurt you back in any way, I will at the very least be sorely tempted to do so. If you hurt me bad enough then I probably will. And
then the anger will fade away. Maybe I do have a bit of a resentful nature.
I was reading my entry from a few days ago, about my time in grade school. I can't say I remember all that many individual offenses, of which I know there are. But I remember how I was made to feel, like a nothing. Teasing probably would have been even better, because it would have showed that I was worth their attention. But the feeling of being a nobody - of being inferior, less than someone else who the hell can forgive that. Not saying this is the reason that happened to me - I believe the exclusion was because of my quietness - but that is one reason I'm viciously against any kind of discrimination, be it on age, gender, national origin or race. Being made to feel nothing is one of the worst things you can do to a person. Because they start to believe it. You start to think, gee maybe I really am worth nothing. And long after the perpetrator is gone, you spend the rest of your life second guessing yourself.
Forgive that? Gee, I don't know, God. What about what happened to me when
I was the least of your people?
Then there was the friend who basically showed herself to be a false friend. I remain civil to her, but I remember well what she did and resent my other friends' good opinion of her, which seems like just one more insult to me.
Then there's when I can't forgive myself. Never really. I make myself do penance whenever I do wrong, but I never really forgive myself. I keep thinking, "now you know you did this thing wrong. what does that say about you?"
Sometimes I really work hard to be more forgiving. If it's a person I need to forgive, I will try and say a prayer for them. That works well enough with a person I'm personally acquainted with. But I don't always have the strength to do it, if what the person did was bad enough. My rage just gets so deep. I
know this isn't the case, but sometimes I feel as though forgiving someone is a sort of letting them off the hook. Yes, I know that's the wrong way to look at it, but that's how I
feel.
And sometimes I despair that being able to forgive myself for things that I do wrong may never come.
If God forgives me as I forgive others (or myself), I might just have a problem.
Could use gentle input: How do you get past the rage to actually start to be able to forgive others? Or past your own humiliation/self-abuse to forgive yourself?
Note: Several posters have left some interesting comments, and a wonderful response to my query is linked
here.
Comments (22)
This used to be a problem for me, but no longer. The key is to remember that when you hold a grudge, when you withhold forgiveness, the only person you are harming is yourself. The person to be forgiven does not feel any pain or shame when you harbor ill will. The poison affects you and only you.
The first person to forgive is YOURSELF; in other words, don't beat yourself up over mistakes or bad behavior. Gently nurture your inner child, and resolve to be a better person. After that, do what I did when I was in therapy and we dealt with this very topic:
Write down on a piece of paper everything that you might have forgiven, but haven't. When I told my therapist I was holding thousands of grudges, he said to stop at a hundred, and don't worry. I'd be writing down the most important ones. That's a fact.
Then we just talked about the items on my list. I asked him, "So when do I start forgiving these people?" "You already are," he replied. And it was so.
RYC: After 20 years in Las Vegas, I have come to hate gambling. Five dollars would have been way too much. Even $1.50. A dollar was just right.
Lets just say, yes you got it right.
And it has been a long time since I have seen you come around my site
Thank you
While I agree with everything that twoberry says above, it hasn't been enough for me. Someone else has said that "the best revenge is success". I would say that if you're successful and happy in your own life, it's easier to be forgiving toward others. Unfortunately, I haven't been very successful in my life, so I tend to nurse the anger.
RYC: My mp3 player from Hong Kong is a no-name. It doesn't say "Sansa" on it. It doesn't say anything. And the unintelligible owner's manual and the installation disk are mute as to brand.
I have heard that forgiveness in the Lord's prayer implies that as we forgive others we will be forgiven, so if we do not forgive we will not be forgiven. This does not rule out that some things are humanly impossible to forgive. They are. A rape, a murder of a child, many divorces and betrayals might be humanly impossible to forgive but with Christ all things are possible.
But God never meant us to be doormats in our forgiveness. Forgiveness and forgetfulness are not the same thing. Once a trust is violated that does not mean we trust a person who has betrayed us again in the same fashion. That would be foolish to say he least. Still we must forgive, often for our own mental health. It is a commandment of our faith and God wants us to be whole not perpetually suffering from the evil of another. Nor does it rule out just punishment in the case of a serious breaking of a law. Murder, rape and any other crime deserving punishment should be administered by the proper authorities. Just laws exist for a good reason.
Thanks for commenting on the whole forgiveness issue. I teach this all the time to my students. The thought of anyone hurting the girls that I teach is something that I take very seriously and often find myself praying against.
Peace in Christ, Mike
And I agree and disagree with Mike Bolognese. I agree that forgiveness and forgetfulness are not the same things. We can forgive without regaining trust lost. But to say some things are humanly impossible to forgive? I would argue that is untrue. You've heard the stories about the murder victims' families who vehemently fight against the murderer receiving the death penalty - about their testimony that they have forgiven the criminal. And I know for a fact that it is possible to forgive a sexual predator. I have seen it firsthand.
This was a great topic!
I have no real problems forgiving others, but myself, that's another story and I think when and if a new sacred text is ever written it will include that all to common trait that keeps us from being able to move forward.
Responding to your comment:
The Film is a little odd. Sad day when I can only enjoy part of a film.
Oh, by the way, the closer you walk with God, the easier it will be to forgive..this takes effort, patience, discipline, the sacraments, and a lot of prayer. Struggles of humanity you might say.
P.S. The Monkeys are cool!
You said "If it's a person I need to forgive, I will try and say a prayer for them." and you asked "How do you get past the rage to actually start to be able to forgive others? Or past your own humiliation/self-abuse to forgive yourself?" Well, you've almost got it, but not quite. Don't just say a prayer for your "transgressor," but also for yourself. Ask for God's peace to enter your heart and mind, to help heal the hurt inflicted upon you so that you can follow His will and forgive the "transgression".
The part in the prayer might be interpreted that way also. "Forgive us our trespasses..." might be asking to forgive us for holding on to the hatred, for not loving our neighbors as ourselves, etc. "...as we forgive those who trespass against us" Forgive us our sins, heal us and wash it away so that we may also forgive those who hurt and sinned against us.
Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong...I'm not saying that's the only interpretation. The average interpretations you and your commenters discussed are also valid, but I don't think that there's only one meaning to such cryptic things as prayer and the Bible.
Hope this helps you.
thanks for the encouragement.
life is life, yeah I know. I like to share parts of it with people, though. Hopefully others can learn things from me or teach me things I should know.
yeah.
thanks for the prayers! be blessed.
I don't believe our forgiveness from God is dependent on how much we forgive others. Instead, I think the phrase serves as a reminder and that there is a purpose in it's parallelism: In one sentence Jesus both reminds us of how we've been forgiven and reminds us of how we, in turn, should forgive. I'm no theologian, and I haven't been on this earth long enough to sustain any serious hurt from others, but I do think that if God were forgiving my sins based on my own performance in that area, I'd be in a sad state, indeed. God's grace and forgiveness is unconditional, and my own readiness and willingness to forgive only reflects how fully I understand how much I've been forgiven. Thanks for a thought-provoking post!
Good blog! I agree forgiveness can be tough.Even tougher yet is being honest with self about whether or not you are harboring resentment. I often examine myself only to discover that I need to work through forgiveness and forgiving again! But ultimately it is a very good sign when wants to forgive! You want to forgive others but find it difficult that is far better than wanting to hold a grudge.
I have found praying for those who hurt me and reading all the Bible says about forgiveness really helps me to forgive others. It is also important NOT to take advantage of opportunities to avenge a wrong.
By the way a while back I wrote a rather confrontational blog about Catholicism. And I know it bugged you. It was my opinion but I think it hurt you. I am sorry. And I would like to ask for your forgiveness.
Thanks for visiting my blog.
God bless,
Pastor
now THIS is an interesting post. and i only just realised after reading the comments it's over a year old.. so, it makes me wonder. how well have you grown in this area? i know it's one i struggle with ALL the time. i think it's even harder to forgive someone when they refuse to acknowledge what they've done, or boast about it. i mean, if it's something they are truly sorry for, that makes it a bit easier. i like your insights on it, the link at the bottom was broken though.