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whenever i read my old xanga entries it makes me so ridiculously depressed. i don't handle change that well, or even at all. the one thing i hate is change. seriously, how good was life when you were younger? i know i had the time of my life! everyone was friends and didnt fight over stupid shit and drama and boys. nobody was fake, no one did drugs or drank. when i read how things used to be i realize how much really has changed and im not okay with it. i hate how high school changes everyone. people judging people has gotten so bad also. your every action is being watched and its stupid! people who have been friends all their lives are no longer friends because they listen to everything they hear and jump to conclusions. let me tell you, i know all of this first hand. my best friends since second grade, im not friends with them anymore. of course i wish i was, we grew up together. we knew everything about each other. and because people make mistakes these long friendships vanish.. when everyone was mad at you for doingg drugs. who was there for you? who never once thought to judge you based on what you do. i was there for you. because i knew if i was in your situation all i would want is to have a friend that stood by me. how do you repay me? stop talking to me, drift away? people make mistakes. ive made a million. people make mistakes everyday you just have to learn from them. when you make a mistake, a friend is there for you telling you not to worry because everything is going to be okay, and that your going to get through this. you honestly can't tell me that you've never made a mistake. im not judging you, so dont judge me because we havent been those close friends we used to be in so long, you barely know me anymore.
speaking of mistakes, i made a huge one. this is the story. this is the honest truth. if either one of you boys read this, this is what was going through my mind, forgive me. lauren and greg's combined birthday party. you me olivia and jon were in the gym playing strip twister. you were my teammate and you took off your shirt and pants.... it wasnt really until Lauren's halloween party when you gave me your number that i started to actually have feelings for you. And then it all started on halloween, when you kissed me. that kiss instantly send chills down my spine. it was one of the best feelings in the world and from that moment i knew that you were what ive wanted all along. it was just you and me walking around. i told you i was cold, and you gave me your sweatshirt. that night when we were walking, you held my hand. in school the next couple of days, it was just a casual hello when we exchanged glances in the halls. you dont know, but it was those little things that just made my day. we started to increase how much we talked, flirting increased and i knew i really liked you. i loved talking to you and everything you said could always put a smile on my face. when i asked you who you liked, i was soo afraid of your response, i hesitated to read my texts, and then i finally did, and you said you liked me. when i came over your house that day, i had fun. i couldn't think of anyone i would have rather been laying with than you. i couldn't stop thinking about that day for a such a longg time. i dont know what happened, maybe busy schedules but we didnt really talk as much. and a good amount of time passed where we only talked a little...That is when he starting really talking to me. it came to the point where i liked you both and i didnt know what to do. i must have asked 100 people what i should have done. You and me started talking a lot again and my decision became even harder.and then you invited me to ben's and i was soo anxious to go, i really wanted to see you, and when i was there i realized how great you were and how you are what ive wanted the whole time. three days later, he asked me out and i was like i really do want a relationship, and since that one was moving foward i thought maybe i should take the opportunity. during that 5 day relationship, i had dreams where you would walk away from me and when i screamed for you to come back you wouldnt. i realized that i had absolutely no idea what i was doing and i made a huge mistake. when him and me broke up.. i texted you not because i was like oh that didnt work out.. let me go get a rebound. it wasnt like that at all. it was you the whole time. and i told you what happened, i told you the shorter version of what im writing right now, as im crying, and you told me how you liked someone else. you know that feeling when you get crushed, or rejected, or something. i cant explain the feeling, but you get it when youre emotionally hurt. i started to freak out. i ruined my chance. it was all my fault. everything we had, i basically just threw out. then you told me it wasnt me, and you liked someone else anyway. which freaked me out because exactly one week before our conversation took place. i was so hurt. i couldn't stop blaming myself, and i still cant. you started to avoid me, you started to ignore me, and im basically falling apart. i have not a clue what i should do. you dont understand what i would do for a moment alone with you, just to talk with you, figure things out. but thats just too much to ask.
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| | Posted 1/11/2008 9:06 PM - 12 views - 0 comments
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