Currently Playing Destination: Beautiful By Mae Sun see related

It's times like these where I realize the futility of trusting in myself. It's not that I don't realize this at other times...but it becomes especially clear to me at these times.

I hate arrogance. I have arrogance. I hate selfishness. I have selfishness.
There is no room for any of these things in my life. I'm reflecting on the fact that because of my selfish arrogance, I have hurt people. I have mistreated people and NOT shown them Christ. For this, I am solely responsible. Jesus still gives me the forgiveness that I don't deserve, and He gives it to me in unexpected ways. But I cannot unsow the seeds that I wish that I could take back.
How would I survive if not for the forgiveness of Christ? I can only trust that Jesus will work in the lives of those I have hurt and mistreated IN SPITE of me.

But as soon as I get to the point of being self-destructive with guilt...which happens often, God extends His hand yet again and sends an unexpected blessing.

God the Father is so amazing. There are so many people in this world that don't have a father...or worse still, they might as well not have one. It is such a vitaly important aspect of a family. God the Father is the ultimate example. He loved us so much, that He sacrificed His Son so that we might spend an eternity with Him. But while we are here...we are still highly susceptible to sin. But once we are in Christ, He will not let us linger in sin. He always draws us back. Sometimes, He draws us back as a loving Father. Others, because of the predicaments that we get ourselves into, He must be stern and harsh with us. I find that while it is uncomfortable at the time, the harsh correction often times sticks with you better. I know that I, in my stupidity, learn from the harsh correction. But this is STILL a demonstration of His love for me! His discipline is PROOF of His love for me! 
God always gives us gifts in the form of processes. Satan hands us "gifts" on a silver platter. Satan's gifts seem satisfying for a time. They are quick and so easy. But then in the end, they will destroy you....every time. God's gifts are usually misunderstood at first (due to our impatience) but in the end, they will complete you like nothing else.
I have always been the idiot who chooses to learn things the hard way instead of using wisdom and choosing the path of purity. My arrogance was the initial cause of my downfall in sexual purity. Once you cross that boundary, it is incredibaly hard to return. Some would venture to err on the mindset of "Well, I already screwed up so what's it matter now"....this is not the path I choose. I was the one who chose to make it much harder to resist by giving in. Now, I must bear the weight of that decision. But I will NOT QUIT THAT FIGHT!!! I get slack in that area, and God will brutally wake me up to my stupidity. I will lose friends and make enemies along the way...and that is the path I've chosen by the bad decisions I've made. I cannot and do not excuse any of my mistakes. I claim them as 100% mine. I claim them as 100% wrong. The only thing that I claim is Christ. I have nothing of worth in me, which has been proven time and time again.

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him should NOT perish but have everlasting life. For God did NOT send His son to the world to condemn the world, but that THE WORLD THROUGH HIM MIGHT BE SAVED.

I claim this promise. I am no longer condemned for my sin. I am no longer condemned for my stupidity, mistakes, and general disobediance. The blood of Christ covers me.
I have been a Christian for 12 years now...you'd think that I would have gotten it together...that I would be well on my way to holiness. But I am nowhere near this goal. Sure, I've grown in grace and knowledge....but even this very second I need the love and forgiveness of Christ.

Currently Playing A to B: Life By Mewithoutyou see related

Lord, have mercy on me...a sinner. Cleanse me. God kill my flesh!! DESTROY everything in me that does not glorify You!!
Lord, I am on my face...I need your forgiveness. How do I deserve to live? Why do You allow me to continue? Jesus...I am in CONSTANT need of Your grace!

Lord, HOW LONG will you hide Your face from me?? My flesh BETRAYS ME!! I DON'T want this anymore!! WHY DO I ALWAYS HURT PEOPLE THAT I CARE ABOUT!!!!!

Lord Jesus....save me...
Save me from this meaningless existence that I call my life.

Jesus...I can't do this. I can't be pure. It cannot be done apart from You. I NEED You to survive!

I wrote this about 4 years ago. At the time, I just wrote the words. Now, they mean so much to me.

What are these drops of water flowing from my face? The evidence that evidently my flesh has gained control. I've tried to glean a reason from the circles in my head of why the atrophied existence of my sin keeps coming up. I've tried to drown it out...
And I'm ready for an answer to cleanse away this guilt...this grace that You speak of...that I do not deserve.
And I can't kid myself long enough to try to think of reason why I should not deal with this now. This repentance thing doesn't come too easily, when all I do is try to cover up the truth.
And I'm ready for Your answer, to cleanse away this guilt. This grace that You speak of, that I do not deserve...

Currently Playing A to B: Life By Mewithoutyou see related

For the better part of 3 hours, I had a fantastic time with my father. We talked about my relationship with my mom. Then we talked about careers and life...and then we talked computers. It was the first time that I have actually DONE what I have wanted to do when I come visit my parents....just relax and talk. I don't want to be like my mother or grandmother in the personality department. I'm too laid back and free for that. But at the same time, I just want to relate to them well.

Right now, I'm at Ben Glaze's house. There are a slew of people in the other room getting wild and crazy over halo. I sit here in almost a surreal observance of my surroundings. I used to be a gamer...now I am simply one who enjoys a casual game every now and then. It is weird to see people's faces when I tell them that I don't play too many games anymore.

I've just needed a break for a while. It has been fantastic to see everyone...but it also reminds what it is that bothers me so much about them. I have my flaws pointed out to me in very real mannerisms as well. Even my two best friends who I love dearly have mildly hurt me in the past week. It's nothing that I will make an issue of, due to the fact that Christ gives me forgiveness and humility rather than arrogance. But it just reminds me of how different I am. It's difficult to find people to relate to. Times like these make me want to become a recluse for about a year and simply work on humility and selfLESSness.

In the mean time, God has me here, and wants me to learn these lessons.
I'm going to meet Jourdyn tomorrow, and for that, I am excited.

Tonight, I will probably just spend some time alone.

Good golly! What is it about me that is sooooooo wierd?? I just got back from a fantastic road trip with Tom and Eric. We killed like champions. But now is not the time to document what happened.

First...frustration. Why does no one get my music?? YES!! I'm obsessed with music..and I'm nerdy and memorize wierd lyrics to wierd bands...and I write this signature Steve stuff on guitar... But I wish people would GET it...not just listen to it and say "oh that's cool." I put so much energy and effort into the music I write, but no one really gets it! I'm making blanket statemeants out of frustration. I write what I like. I like the music that I write. I'm not going to change for anyone else to appeal to them...but it'd be nice if someone really actually liked what I wrote for once!

I'm nerdy....I like 80's metal, anime music, third eye blind...and I memorize every lyric/drum/guitar in every song of every CD I own. I'm not just into music. I feel it and breathe it. It runs through me...and I like going crazy to music!

This all stems back to a core group of people that I always wanted to fit in with in High school. I never did. They liked the same music I did....after I liked it first. They would make fun of me for listening to certain things...and then a year later, they liked it. And they NEVER liked anything that I wrote on guitar. They're alright guys as people...but I've never fit in with them. I don't really care anymore, but it still just frustrates me sometimes when people don't like my music....

But in a wierd sense, I'm glad. In some ways...I like the fact that no one gets it.. I'm not gonna change. I'm gonna grow as a musician...and I will write more mature things...but I won't cater my style just to appease others.

I'm off to write a wierd song which I will post on www.soundclick.com later. Hopefully, no one will like it...or even better, no one will even listen.

What to say? The last 3 days have been absolute heaven.

I met Ally finally and we hung out. She is beyond amazing. I really enjoyed hanging out with her and I'm very much looking forward to more of the same. Then, we arrived at my uncle's house down here in West Palm Beach, Florida. I cannot think of a more dreamy place for me. It's hot...it's sunny, the water is warm, the environment is laid back. The first night we got here, we went out on the boat and went fishing. I caught a 30lb King Mackeral. We ate it the next night. Then, yesterday, we went kayaking through the everglades. That was pure wilderness waterscape. We felt like such wild, untameable men out in the middle of the jungle.
This morning was probably the highlight for me. We went SCUBA diving on some little reefs out in the Atlantic. What made it better was that I bought a pair of Uzzi Dive shorts. They don't even come a quarter of the way down my legs. They are so unbelievably short...and I love them. You have to be secure about yourself to wear them.
I really do need to be in some type of tropical environment. I'm really thinking about the Coast Guard just because that would suit me so much better than the Air Force.

I've fallen asleep on a hammock under the stars, by the ocean every night for the past 3 days. It has been wonderfully relaxing. Tom and Eric and I have been causing all kinds of various trouble, and we've gotten on each other's nerves...but it's fine, and we recover in the end.

Hopefully, I will be meeting Jourdyn in the next few days. That will be lots of fun.
And of course, I'm looking forward to any more time I can spend with Ally.