| not a lot has been up had an interesting weekend this weekend. friday night i had rhythm from4:30-6 cause that's just how we do it up in thur, so of course i was freakin EXHAUSTED after that and wanted to take a nap but just took a shower and a like 10 minute name cause my head was killing me. then i started out my night so freakin early because stuey had a race the next day (which he rocked in and pulled a personal best cause HES AWESOME) so we went out to eat at belle isle. Which...if you've never been there was a really cool place cause it was nice but not so nice that i felt bad that i was in my usual lazy attire (meaning a t-shirt,hoodie, jeans and some tennies) and there was a ridiculous like.....assortment of food. There was mexican, italian, and i guess what you'd call american? it was sad cause big stuart order a salad casue he had a race, and i order like a meal with like chicken fried steak and shit and a different lady than who took our orders brought our food out, and she definately handed me his food and i laughed. Then we went and hung out together and watched Shrek 2. God i love that movie, puss in boots is my hero. Then of course Stu had to go to bed at like 11 which was probably too late for him to go to bed anyway but oh well. Then I headed to the house to chill with my brother (dozhier not drew) and we ended up going to Fridays with Andrew Harrell and Justin Mckensik (c) i dunno however you spell it. That made for a goodtime and a good story HAHAHA oh Andrew....poor fella. Then it was time to go to bed at some point that night i dont remember when but it was far too late, and doz and i were definately supposed to go audition for a show the next day and didn't because we both knew we were unprepared for it but now i'm pretty sure we both feel like jackasses for not going, oh well there will be other auditions. Then saturday night i danced at the game and i think that went pretty well, although the sisters all complimented lindsey and not me in formal meeting, haha but that's ok i'm not sad or anything :(. all the boys say i'm awesome at it so i'm good to go. and someone definately said i had a "britney spears" thing going haha which definately makes me happy because as much asi can't stand that girl, damn she can dance. Then there was a sorta party at Mac and Tonya's thrown by my brother because Keith was in The Magic Flute this weekend, and there was punch that i drank a fair amount of and then left to go visit my big and her brudder who was hot and cool. However, no more punch! I should've learned my lesson a long time ago with that stuff that she and i do not agree, especially the next day. But definately after visiting my big at the townhouse camille and i attempted to go back to Mac and Tonya's and when we got there i go "camille....we needa go back to walker", just a tip: if i'm drunk unless it is absolutely NECESSARY try not to drive me anywhere because i'll get sick and want to die. But yes i fell asleep (and didn't end up in some other girls room) and i woke up the next day pretty early feeling terrible, so i went back to bed. Sunday was absolutely gorgeous out so of course the boys were out making the best of it.....camille and i walked to bueno cause i needed to eat but if didn't wanna feel like a fatass and itwas a nice day out so that was nice. Then we watched the boys play soccer and frisby for awhile. Then there was meeting, then there was a get together at the blue note which was dramatic and i'd rather not talk about.
I felt like crap today and missed my morning classes which i feel like a total douchebag about because, i should have control over my arthritis at this point and i totally dont and it's really frustrating me. This guy was giving Stu a hardtime about missing practice this morning and i was so worried they were gonna get in a fight and doz and i would have to step in. I was really proud of the way Stuart handled it though, despite what so many people think, he's a real smart kid and has a great head on his shoulders. I really like spending time with him, and i know he thinks i dont and that he's just a total retard in front of me but i care about him. Also let that be a side note to everyone who constantly is asking me why i date him or how long i think i'm gonna be with him or anything about it. I dont know how long we'll be dating, i'm dating him because i enjoy his company, and i'm glad all of you want to give me advice but some things are better left unsaid at this point. I hope no one takes that as a personal attack cause it wasn't to anyone.
that's stuart for all who are curious as to what he looks like. yes....yes we all definately went to the ocu semi formal....ocu high prom....wtf were we thinkin? i dunno but there was definately free food there (and as you're about to find out i dig the free food....free food definately tastes better)
Rode all the way to Chickasaw to dance last night, i slept the whole way there so i really had no clue where i was when i got there. We sat through a whole black history ceremony, where there was obviously some kickass singing, and awesome music. There was also this cute little old lady that sat in front of us that all of us were in love with. When we first walked in she looked at me and go "oh my just LOVELY" and it made me smile because i obviously felt out of place it being an audience of all black people except for us girls who are on rhythms. After we got done dancing she kept saying "my word how do you all do all that....my goodness...next time i think i'll jump up there and try" It was pretty amazing to see a group of people come together and find something they all had in common that made them all strong as a people. And it wasn't even just that they were black, it was that they were black, they love it, they feel blessed about it, and they all have such strong faith they just will call out their praises to the lord, which i'll always find admirable because i dont (and really can't) do it and wasn't brought up that way. I think our dancing could've been a lot better but given the circumstances of the fact that we were on a stage way smaller than what we were used to, we did a pretty decent job and i think we represented ocu and rhythms well because people now are wanting to come out for our black history month celebration next week. Haha pretty weird that me, little white girl, am all involved in this stuff. Then there was a reception afterwards where we had to walk our happy tired asses all the way across whatever the hell campus that was, to this pretty ballroom that had some food in it. We walked in and for like the first 20 minutes were the only people there and it was glorious, we went apey on that food. I was knighted as a black person because i made about 6 trips back to the TABLE O' FOOD and just stocked up. Monique was impressed and said i got all urban when food was put out, she had a nice little laugh out of me. One of the other whit egirls on the team was like, do you think it's ok if i go back and get some more? and we just laughed at her it was great.
Another hour ride back, then i chopped it (no literally i ran) to the dorms to grab my script (keep in mind this is like 11 at night) and go to the scarab room to practice with my scene partner tyler. We go today and i'm definately still workin on memorizing lines, it's not like i've actually really worked on it cause i think we have the shortest scene of everyone and it won't be hard for me to do it once i sit down and actually do it. We just sorta went through what we thought some good simple natural blocking would be and then peaced out of there.
Then i finally freakin showered and did all that mess and headed to the house. I ended my evening by having a long drawn out, with several interuptions of other people, our add, occasional dosing off, and the tv, conversation. I think i've worked a lot of stuff out in my mind with that situation. It's been rough and i'm definately stupid for not being able to just let go. Two guys at this school have been two of the best friends i've ever had. And it's weird cause i let myself get so close to them so fast, it probably was a bad thing. One i knew immediately i'd probably have a crush on and it'd be a bad idea so i tried to stop myself, did a stupid thing, and ended up really liking him. The other one i just sorta assumed from the beginning was too good for me to date, but i knew i'd be good friends with because for some reason there was just a connection, and since i had my self doubt i screwed that one up. I've had crushes on both of those guys that were two of my best friends i've ever had. One, the friendship has basically been torn to shreds to do massive massive amounts of drama, hateful words, painful situations and stupid drunken phone calls. I hate that i lost him as a friend and would have prefered that we never had any romantic involvement at all since it invitabley meant losing that friendship. I honestly miss you, and i know that means nothing to you because of how happy you are now, and i'm so glad you're finally happy again i know how much that means to you. And if being happy meant that i needed to be excluded from your life, that's fine i'm glad you've reached that place again, i know how happy you are.I loved you so much as a friend you honestly meant so much to me, and even though the friendship didn't even last that long, it impacted my life a lot. You taught me a lot about myself, and made me aware of things about me and other people, thank you. The other one i liked, didn't like, liked again, then i stopped liking all together because i liked the before mentioned one so much. Then some how came back here this semester and didn't like either of them. Was completely content in not liking either of them (and actually before anything happened i sorta thought about stu a little and what it'd be like to date him but then wrote it off) but then some how fell back into the whole liking him again thing. This boy is my brother, he's an amazing guy who doesn't know it. He refers to me as him with tits. I've figured out that, while i think it's a good thing to find people that you have so much in common with, this isn't something he wants because he doesn't like himself enough to like someone like him as more than friends. He still is my best friend, and he thinks that i dont care about his friendship because i wish there could be something more than that, but that's the whole issue. I value his friendship so much that i wish it could be more cause i think it could be great. However, obviously if someone goes into a relationship with negative expectations (which is what he would do) there's no point to it, so there would be no point. He has rejected me over and over again and has never liked me, and for some reason i still like him and let that kill me over and over again. But i think i'm finally starting to finish, and be ok with it. I understand more of where he's coming from now because i talked to him, and i know nothing's going to change because, well he's me and we all know how stubborn i am. He brought up the point that i always say that i hate girls, but when it comes to boys and relationships i'm such a girl because i get so worked up about them. I decided tonight wheni thought about it when i wasn't around him anymore that this is because guys are so important to me BECAUSE i dont like that many girls, so i get worked up very easily about them because i care so much. He doesn't get how much i understand him and all the emotions that go through his head that he can't always verbalize, but i do, i get him so much. I love him (as a friend of course) with all my heart, and hope that he works all this stuff out that's going on in his life right now. Until then, i'll be his loyal friend who's not gonna sit around and wait for him anymore. i love you kid. For those of you back home who know me, you know how much friendship means to me. People here i dont think have really gotten to the point where they can grasp how much friendship means to me, and how much (usually) work it takes to be my actual friend. It usually takes me months, maybe even years, to actually befriend people, ESPECIALLY girls. I have quickly befriended so many people here and gotten so close so fast to so many people. Two of them, (krystle and jeremiah) are basically completely out of my life now, and i hate that so much. That's one reason i have such a problem with becoming friends with people, because as fast as they come into your life and impact it, they can just as quickly leave, and i hate that. When i actually take the time and effort to put emotion into a relationship, into anything, i value it so much and it kills me when it doesn't work out and i want nothing more than to just shut everything off. Then of course i come off as bitchy when i'm trying so hard not to care, and i piss people off (like camille) and i feel bad about doing it, but it's totally not what i mean to do so i dont know how to apologize for it.
i also wanna apologize for my whole like....issues with the way i look and my whole like saying i'm fat and shit. it's not meant to insult anyone. it's not meant for pity. it's just me being stupid and i know i need to stop so help me work on it....punch me seriously punch me if i say anything.
k well this entry has already been too long and i'm sure no one will actually take the time to read it but i needed to vent haha so it's going to end now. |
