"Amor, no es amor...then what am I feeling...is this an illusion, that I have in my heart?"

Calories- not available for today

Hi everyone, I hope that you all are doing well!! I am so sorry that I don't have calorie counts posted for today or yesterday, which I will explain! Unfortunately, yesterday, I ended up being terrible, and purged...which I feel awful about....I mean, purging of course made me feel so much better..but just the fact that I HAD to purge upset me so much...and the today, I did not count my calories, because...I went out with David, and I didn't want to seem....odd, or scare him off, so I had to act as normal as possible....

So, to make up for the horrible, awful weekend, it is my vow to stay below 500 calories for the next 5 days, and then not above 750 calories after that. And if I do have to go out to dinner, of course will save all my calories for the night, and get a salad with dressing on the side. I truly feel like such a failure, but I know that by day 5 of below 500 calories, I will feel so much better! Please, please, please show me lots of support during these 5 days!

So....I have to say that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face all day yesterday and today. Last time, David and I attended a party and had a WONDERFUL time...he looked amazing, and was the sweetest thing..and he just gave me butterflies all night, and I'm sure I had the stupid, giddy school girl look on all night. We have a few drinks (which is also why I am sure my calorie count was digusting, because I had been drinking), and he gave me a hug goodnight and asked me to go out to lunch with him the next day....so I told him I would call him at 12. So, today, excitedly, I called him around 12:10 (so lame right, I didn't want to seem toooo excited) and he said that just as I was calling him, he was dialing my number! Too funny, I guess we were on each other's mind. So, he came to pick me up and we had lunch (ugh, and please, don't even let me talk about that, I had maybe 1/2 cup rice and a sandwich) and had the most amazing time just talking and getting to know each other. Well, I thought after lunch he would just take me home, but he wanted to spend more time with me, which I was soooo excited about. Well, it turns out that he has spent the ENTIRE day with me and my son (who he treats with sooo much care and compassion). It was amazing....and the entire time, I couldn't stop staring at him. He's just...he's so beautiful and perfect, and gives the sweetest kisses and hugs...and it's like this constant...amazing feeling when I'm with him...like I just want to be around him ALL the time..He asked me if I think that we could really go somewhere, and I told him that I would very much like that....he asked me out again for later this week and if we could spend the weekend together since my son is going on a trip to South Carolina with my parents...so, I of course said yes. He has seriously stolen my heart.

Well, I am going to get going to bed! Thank you all so much for your amazing support! I am looking forward to starting the challenge tomorrow, you all are the best!! Stay strong and safe! Peace and all my love! <333

"Eat less, weigh less, fail less, feel less" 

Calories- 670, rounded to 700

Hi everyone! I hope you all are doing great today! Today's calorie count is getting better....much better, but still not perfect...Today, I was so hungry..and I wanted to go home and just binge on everything I could and then throw it all up, but I was so proud of myself for telling myself that throwing up would just make me feel so incredibly horrible...and binging ALWAYS makes me feel horrible..almost like throwing up doesn't offically get it all out or something...so, I totally overcame the urges to binge and drank a diet soda instead...so I hjabe to say that I'm feeling incredibly strong right now, and so good! I love the quote above...I feel it just screams truth.

Well, I'm not going to write much today..everyone is out of town, so I have to give my son a bath, get him a bottle for bed, then get him to sleep, and then I'm going to catch up on his scrap book, I know I'm totally nerdy! Anyway, I am so, so proud of you all!! Stay strong and safe! <333

"Every day that I succeed, I get one day closer to my goal"

Calories- 740, rounded to 750

Hi my beautiful girls! I hope everyone is doing okay today! Today was a better day I suppose with my calorie intake, but still far too much I feel...Honestly, I feel that I need more self control...It seems however, that I tend to be isolating myself and avoiding any sort of...interaction really, with people, because it seems that people just constantly want to EAT, EAT, EAT and then bring you down right with them. Well, I won't be going down with anyone else's horrible eating...it means WAY too much to me...so, if that means avoiding social interaction for awhile, then I'm totally fine with that. I hate that EVERYONE seems to be all over me at work about my "eating habits" and my "fast track back to the hospital". I wish everyone would just leave me alone. My goal for tomorrow is to stay below or around 700...so, hopefully I can do it.

Today was a really good day at work, and  found out the most amazing news! David (the guy who gives me butterflies) told Donald that he really likes me! I couldn't believe it when I heard. I just wanted to jump up and now and run around my office! I was so excited! I am really, really hoping that this can go somewhere...I really adore him. I am breaking off the dates with the other guys because I really want to focus my attention on David, but I'm not unhappy about breaking the others. Today, while on my way to work, Tim (the guy who is like incredibly clingy already, and we aren't even dating) texted me and said "are you on your way to work" and I replied "yes", then he texted "do you like driving all that way, because I hate the commute" and I replied "yes, I love driving to work because it's the ONLY time that I get to myself during the day" hoping he'd get the message that it was like my alone time...well APPARENTLY not because he called me literally 3 minutes after that, then left me a voicemail when I didn't answer, then sent me 2 more texts immediately after that! INSANE. So, I am so done with that entire situation.

Well, I am so excited about going back to Marymount in the fall, and I may go back to cheerleading. My mom says she thinks its a REALLY bad idea, since I work full time, plus full time classes and of course raising my son, but I miss cheerleading SO much. It was like my life in highschool and in my first year in college...and then after I had my son, I was no longer able to do it....so I told her that even if I had to cut my hours from 40 hours a week at work to 30 just to cheer, I would totally be able to handle it....but realistically, I'm not sure if I could...I know that I really need to focus on getting my degree...and they also have all sorts of Catholic activites that look really awesome, and 2 priests there that also look like they'd be really in the know about "college" issues...so, hopefully I can catch up with one of them...they both have email, so, we'll see. I'm just going to see when practices would be and all that, and then will make a decision.

Well, I'm going to get going, but I want you all to know how proud I am of you, please stay strong and safe. Much love and peace.

"Only I can let myself fail"

Calories- 820, rounded to 850.

Hi my beautiful girls! I just cannot say how happy I am to be back...You all give me so much inspiration and motivation to better myself, I just adore you all. You truly bring so much happiness to my life, so I am incredibly grateful to belong to such an amazing community. Words cannot express how proud I am of you all.

Honestly, my calories still disgust me, not nearly low enough. I would have done better and eaten less, but my cousin was concerned so I had to eat some dry cheerios..so, shit. And then Jerry, this guy at my work gave me this long talk about how everyone is concerned about me and how the military taught him to eat 2,000 calories, and that's what normal people eat...but the fact of the matter is is that I would never eat 2,000 calories, or anything near that. I hate myself going over 1,000 calories...and I'm so NOT normal, therefore, not eating what a "normal" person eats. I NEED to do better, I need it for myself.

So, this weekend I have set up 3 dates, which I am so excited to get to know each of these guys....well, mostly actually 2 of them...the third I have a feeling has no chance of going anywhere. First, there is Chris who is completely adorable, he rides a street bike, which I find so sexy, and there is AMAZING sexual tension between us that I just know could be fun...he and I have been friends for a long time, so I think that there is certainly potential there. I just adore when he hugs me...and I love that he is so much taller than me (unlike Steve who was maybe only 5'6..and I'm 5'4). On Saturday, I am going to see Dave, who is just the sweetest thing in the world. He is really, really quiet though, and is really chill and likes to just stay home and relax, which I am more than happy to do! He seems really sincere, and I think he's really cute in "Ima white boy who thinks he's gangsta" kind way, and he has the nicest tattoos....which I like! And when comes in from work after being out in the field all day, he just gives me butterflies and I light up! So....I really have a great feeling about him.... And then on Sunday, I am suppose to see Tim, but I think I may cancel that one, because already he's just incredibly clingy....he texts me at 7:30am when I wake up for work, gets mad if I don't call him throughout the day and then calls me EXACTLY at 6:00pm when I am getting off work, which drives me insane...it's almost like Steve, but without the great sex..((and then of course Tim has to make this comment about how great he is in bed, and I'm thinking, whatever gave you this idea that we'd be EVER sleeping together)...so, yes, I think I'm going to try and get away from this one....I just seriously hate clingyness when I'm in a relationship...I need my space and time to do my own thing without jealously or someone calling me 20 times a day, or someone getting mad at me because I have to do things with my son....the is the biggest thing in the world to me, if you don't accept my son and treat him like he was the most precious gift int he world, then you can't be with me...because he's the number one guy in my life.

I have my orientation at Marymount University on the 20th of August, so I am really excited about that. The only bad thing is that that is only 5 days before classes start, which means more than likely most of the classes are going to be filled, so I'm going to have to take whatever they can give me..which is awful because I have to take night classes..so I'm hoping I will be able to have some sort of good schedule....we will see though!

Well, I'm going to start getting my little one ready for bed...so I'm going to get going. Hopefully tomorrow I can stay around 750. Please know how proud I am of each and everyone one of you! Please stay strong and safe! <33

"You have to believe in yourself. And you have to down deep within the bottom of your soul, feel that you can do the job that you've set out to do"

Calories- 940, rounded to 950.

It's been a long, long time my beautiful girls. I am so sorry that I've been gone for so long, but am back for good now. So much has happened since I was readmitted into the eating disorder clinic, but am now back on track. I've missed you all so much, and please know that as soon as I get the chance, will comment everyone to check in!

My calories for the day are disgusting, I know. 40 over clinical starving, which pisses me off to the maximum. Is now my new goal to stay under 800 each day....yes, I think that's a good goal for right now, still a bit high, but okay for now.

Steve and I are offically broken up...which I am really happy about....He was constantly wanting to have every single bit of my attention, which I wasn't able to give him. Really, the only thing that I miss was the amazing sex (which really works off calories)....but that's all. I just couldn't settle with him...I think I deserve so much more than just great sex...definitely. I'll admit though that I do miss that intimate connection... I have a date on Friday with this guy who is in the military and is adorable, so I guess we will see where the leads me!

Well, I know it's been awhile since I've written last, but my Father was actually sent away on the mission. So much for prayer...but, I think I'm actually doing great. In fact, it's my plan to go back to Mass starting in August...hopefully by that time Louise will have set something up for me, but we'll see. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that everything comes together soon.

Well, I'm going to get going, but will write every night. It's so good to be back, I missed you girls so much! Much love, stay strong and safe. <3