The long road home

I find myself packing again.  Well, let's be completely honest, this isn't really packing - it's shoving three weeks' worth of dirty clothes into a suitcase and having my roommate sit on it so I can get it to close.
     This time is different; this isn't the same nostalgic trip down memory lane as when I packed before college.  This is the "night before my first trip home frantic pack."  So you get the idea - my plane leaves in two hours, and no, college didn't teach me to procrastinate.  I was experienced in that art long before I stepped onto my college campus.
     So now that I'm packed, I have a minute to examine my emotions about my first trip home.  I'm excited.  My best friend, Matt, picks me up, groggy, for our 4:00 a.m. drive.  My expectations are that I am going home to what I left: my parents, home-cooked meals, friends with whom I shared distinctive bonds and my long-distance boyfriend, whom I have been dying to see.  I am happy at college, but a trip home, to my family and friends, sounds like just the thing I need to prepare me for the prefinals crunch.
     I think I will catch up on the missed hours of sleep on the plane.  Instead, I look around and realize that most of the exhausted passengers are students just like me.  Below us, in the cargo bin, sits a year's worth of dirty laundry at least.
     I miss my connecting flight, so I am later than expected.  I step off the plane to find my mom frantic, thinking I had been "abducted" on the trip home.  I look at her puzzled.  I guess in a mother's eyes there is no logical explanation for being late, such as the obvious flight trouble.  I assure her that I am fine and that I don't need to fly as an "unaccompanied minor" on the way back.
     A few hours later, I'm back at the airport, waiting for my boyfriend's arrival home.  He steps off the plane with the same groggy but excited look I wore hours before.  We drive over to see my dad, who seems calmer than my mother had been.  I ask to see my room, expecting to find my shrine, my old pompoms, prom pictures, candid photos of friends and dolls scattered about.  To my surprise, everything is gone; there's not even a trace I had ever lived in the room.  I'm starting to wonder if I really had been abducted on the way home.  It's as if the second I became a "college" student, I had ceased to exist.
     I start to wonder what else had changed since I'd been gone.  My parents are in an awkward transition, wondering how to treat me now.  They wrestle with whether to treat me - still their daughter - as one of them, an adult, or as the child they feel they sent away months earlier.
     I run into two of my best friends from high school; we stare blankly at each other.  We ask the simple questions and give simple, abrupt answers.  It's as if we have nothing to say to each other.  I wonder how things have changed so much in such a small amount of time.  We used to laugh and promise that no matter how far away we were, our love for each other would never change.  Their interests don't interest me anymore, and I find myself unable to relate my life to theirs.
     I had been so excited to come home, but now I just look at it all and wonder: Is it me?
     Why hadn't the world stood still here while I was gone?  My room isn't the same, my friends and I don't share the same bond, and my parents don't know how to treat me - or who I am, for that matter.
     I get back to school feeling half-fulfilled, but not disappointed.  I sit up in my bed in my dorm room, surrounded by my pictures, dolls and mementos.  As I wonder what has happened, I realize that I can't expect the world to stand still and move forward at the same time.  I can't change and expect that things at home will stay the same.  I have to find comfort in what has changed and what is new; keep the memories, but live in the present.
     A few weeks later, I'm packing again, this time for winter break.  My mom meets me at the curb.  I have come home accepting the changes, not only in my surroundings, but most of all in me.

MY MEETING WITH SANTA

As I pulled away from the hospital parking lot, I wasn't expecting something special to happen.  The day seemed like all others.  Every day I made a one-hour trip to the hospital for my three-year-old child to get his daily radiation treatment.  Every day when we left the hospital, we passed the Santa in front of the flower shop on The Esplanade.  And every day my son, Cameron, asked to see him.
     Today was no exception.
     As I pulled onto the street, the shops and businesses that I'd driven past daily for almost six weeks melted into a monotonous blur.  I had memorized this road and barely had to concentrate on maneuvering my car.  My mind was free to brood over my worries.
     So much to do with only two days left until Christmas. I checked off my mental list: mail Aunt Ellen's package...shop for the boys...wrap Mom and Dad's presents...
     Cameron shouted from his car seat behind me, bringing my mind back to the present.  "Mommy, I wanna see Santa!"
     I glanced to the side of the road, and there sat the same Santa we'd driven past for weeks now, waving and smiling the same bearded smile.
     "Cameron, I have to do some shopping.  There's probably a Santa out there for you to see," I told him.
     "I don't want that Santa Claus - I wanna see this Santa!" Cameron protested loudly.
     "Okay, okay, I'll try to get over." 
     I tried to weave into the right lane to go around the block, but I couldn't get over.  I tried for several blocks and still didn't manage it.
     What is this? I thought.  The traffic is never this bad at this time of the day.  Finally, I gave up.
     "Cameron, I couldn't get over," I said.  "We'll have to see the Santa at the mall."
     My son wailed all the way to the mall.  I glanced at him in the rearview mirror.
     Poor little guy, I thought.  He's as pale as a ghost, and looks a sight with his hair almost gone.
     I wondered about the results of our doctor's last effort to radiate away a second cancerous brain tumor in Cameron's small head.  They didn't want to attempt another operation on someone so young - he was only eighteen months when he'd had the first surgery.  Oh, how we had rejoiced when they said they'd "got it all."  We'd hoped, held our breath, prayed and hoped some more for two long years.  Then just six weeks before Christmas 1986, we'd been told the tumor had grown again.
     Although my hopes dwindled, I knew we had to keep fighting it.  When the doctors suggested radiation treatment, we agreed, even though I knew it would mean a two-hour daily drive to a larger city for six weeks up to Christmas Day.  The drive, stress and worry were draining me, even as the radiation drained the life from Cameron's once-pink cheeks.
     I entered the mall with a heavy heart.  The sounds, sights and smells of Christmas were everywhere: Lights and colors flashing, the jingle of the Salvation Army bell, carols playing softly in the background, package-laden people rushing here and there, some tense, some laughing.  A candy shop cooled chocolate fudge on its counter...
     Christmas everywhere but in my heart, I thought, as we stopped at the back of the line to see Santa.
     The long line moved slowly.  Children whined and mothers grew impatient.  I clutched Cameron's cool, small hand and gazed at him wistfully, wishing away the whiteness of his skin.  He was stretching his neck for a better view and had an expectant gleam in his eyes.  We were almost up to Santa!
     Finally, it was our turn.  Cameron scrambled up into the ornate, red sleigh and looked up into Santa's face with anticipation.  I stood off to the side and watched.
     "Well, what do we have here?" Santa asked, noticing Cameron's balding head.  "Are you going to have an operation, son?"
     "No, he's having radiation for a brain tumor," I answered from where I stood.
     "What's his name?"
     "Cameron!" my son piped up.
     "Come over here, Mom," Santa called.  I stepped nearer to hear him.  "You know that after the doctors have done all they can with their technology, that the ultimate healing is up to the Lord."
     "Oh, absolutely!" I agreed.
     "Would you sit up here with me, Mom?" I climbed up into the sleigh.
     "Do you mind if I pray for this little guy?" I shook my head.  Santa continued, "I had a serious problem in my brain at one time and the Lord healed me.  I believe He will heal Cameron, too."
     Santa pulled Cameron and me close, and I felt as if God had reached down and wrapped me up in a warm hug.  I needed it so badly right at that moment.
     Santa prayed, "Father, I ask you to touch this little fella from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet.  Make him feel good for Christmas.  Your word promises us, 'for nothing is impossible with God.'  We thank you for healing this little child's body.  Amen."
     When I opened my eyes, about thirty people had gathered around the sleigh, some bewildered, others with knowing looks.  I thanked Santa.  With Cameron beaming, he and I left the mall.
     On the ride home, I realized how easily I could have missed that special moment.  But God had something much better planned.
     He had steered me to a Santa whose fur-clad arms were used by God to touch me with his concern, and whose lips had offered a prayer of hope when I was too weak to pray.  God had led my small son and me to a saintly Santa - the Santa he would use to put Christmas back into our hearts!

12 silly days of christmas

On the first day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
A toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the second day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the third day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Three hairbrushes
(I guess my hair was messy)
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the fourth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Four Canadian coins
(Which, as it turns out, are pretty useless 'cause
I don't live in Canada)
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the fifth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Five Barbie rings
(They're really tiny, and I'm way too old for Barbie)
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the sixth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the seventh day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Seven "days of the week" undies
(I hope no one from school ever sees these)
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the eighth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Eight electronic games
(Enough to drive her crazy)
Seven "days of the week" undies
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the ninth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Nine candy kisses
(I really like this gift, I think I'll give
her one of my Barbie rings)
Eight electronic games
Seven "days of the week" undies
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the tenth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Ten blue flyswatters
(My mom's losing it; what happened to the candy kisses?)
Nine candy kisses
Eight electronic games
Seven "days of the week" undies
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Eleven novelty ice-cube trays
(Now I know she's really lost it)
Ten blue flyswatters
Nine candy kisses
Eight electronic games
Seven "days of the week" undies
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
My mother gave to me
Twelve Snoopy Band-Aids
(I scratched myself trying to get
the ice out of the novelty ice trays—
how did she know I would need these?)
Eleven novelty ice trays
Ten blue flyswatters
Nine candy kisses
Eight electronic games
Seven "days of the week" undies
Six comic books
Five Barbie rings
Four Canadian coins
Three hairbrushes
Two pairs of new socks
And a toothbrush I didn't really need.

My Ideal Girl...

1* hair color- black or brown

2* eye color-brown, black

3* height- 5’2 or 5’4 is good

4* six pack- lol neh :) chubby is good

5* long or short hair- I like long hair:)

6* glasses-no reference all goodJ

7* piercings- earrings r ok

8* chinky eyes- hehe yeaJ

9* eyebrows-hehe not that thickJ

10* big butt or little- doesnt matter

12* buff or skinny- just chubby or petiteJ

13* straight teeth, gap, or braces-straight teeth

14* funny or serious- funny!!!!!!!

15* party or stay at home- party baby!!!!!!

16* should he cook or bake- cook

17* should she have a lot of friends that are guys – riends are goodJ

18* should she have a best friend- yeah but hopefully its a girl!!!!

19* outgoing or shy-outgoing.. mmm this one is hard I like bothJ

20* sarcastic or sincere- mostly sincere

21* should she love his mother- yea

22* should she watch scary movies- haha that’s up to her but I think I like a girl whos not afraid to watch them

23* would she be a smoker- HELL NO!!!!!! SMOKING KILLS!!!!!!

24* would she drink- yea

25* would she swear- yea

26* would she play with your hair- yeah its cool

27* one or more guys at a time- one

28* would she pay for dates- hehe dependsJ

29* does she kiss on the first date- yea

30*where would you go to dinner- maybe a nice romatic restaurant
31* would she wear something sexy- mmm depends on the place where we re going toJ

32* would she lay under the stars with you- yea that would be sweet hahaha

33* would she write poetry about you- yea

34* would she call you hunny, sweetie or baby- any hehee its all good

35* would he hang out with you and YOUR friends- if she doesnt like m friends then itll be really tough!!

36* would you hang out with her and her friends- of course

37* talker or listener- I like talkers cause im more on the listening part.

38* holding hands- more than that hehe

39* soccer-  sure y not?

40* baseball-  hehe all good

41* basketball- YEAH!!!!!! hehe

42* chess-yeah

43* sing- yea

44* play guitar- HELL YEA!!!! SUPER SUPER SEXY

45* play piano- yea!

46* play drums- coolJ

47* clean her room- always

48* paint, draw, sculpt- yeaJ I like artistJ

49* write her own music- yea niceJ

50* would see ...watch the sunrise with you- yea

51* how big in age gap- I dont care about ageJ

52* what would her name be- dunno

mmmmmm lets see my first thanx giving hehehe it was fun...:D ehhehe i had a lot of fun nov 25....mmmm my cousins arrived from boston and washington:) heheh (now i got some pips to play with) hehehe 1st thing that we did was go to the basketball courts and played a little bball:) ehehe we didnt last long lol a bit to cold for us:)  so we went back to my uncles house and just hanged around till the food was ready..:) damn i was so hungry  i ate a lot at lunch heheh i ate more than my cousins combined hehe when we went out and did a little 4 wheeling hehe damn it was fun:D we did it twice this week and it was so much fun  evening time... hehe lets see had my first turkey hehe mmmmmmm turkey...... hehe it was really good lol i liked it:) i want it to be thanx giving every week hehehe so  i can get fat hahaha i need to gain some pounds:)

uhm nov 26

 ehehe still didnt have sleep it was black friday hehe had to work in the morning hehe but hey i get paid lol so its all goodi worked at 12 to 3 pm hehe when i was done we went to my cousins house..  hehe and her house was great she just bought it and it looked nice she gave a lot of effort just to make it look like that... hehe it was around 6 pm then we started to have fun:) hehe here comes the beers:) hahah bacardi was great i loved the taste hehe i think its the best tasting liqour i drank heheh when i finished a few i went out with john hehe went to buy some stuff for karaoke:) hehhe mmm we bought mics and even keyboards( for his sons xmas gift) hehehe we went back to Liv's house(my cousin) hehe and did karaoke till 12 hahhaha it was really fun and i had a great time having a great duet partner hehe when it struck 12 here we gooooo heheh clubing for my cousins..:) heheh i hate the rules for this place must be 21 to do anything

i miss the phil for this one i coundnt go to clubs here.. so me john and my bro went to our friend randy( bday boy) happy bday dude... lol played video games  for about an hour hehe and we spilted when it was about 130 went to johns house and waited for my cousins call so that we can pick them up:) hehe so it was about 5 am when they called heheh wow!!! hehehe i was so tired i can hardly walk lol:) it was about 20 degrees out so i was freezing out side lol