well. i haven't been getting along with my parents lately...well. less than usual. i suppose i'm most likely a bitch to them, but i can't help it. every little thing that's uttered out of their mouths makes me want to fling myself into oncoming traffic.

for instance, the other day, i let them in on a bit of my life. i told them i might want to learn how to sell insurance and junk in college, and sell insurance for a living. (dull job, but not time-comsuming so there's time for hobbies, and maybe a side-job i'd actually like, plus they get up to 6 didgets a year)...completely bitched me out. like, telling me it was a stupid idea and stuff. and keep in mind, i have no idea what i want to do, and this was the first thing that seemed reachable and semi-okay.

so they last time i even saw their faces was like, yesterday morning. i try not to be home at all, and i stay in my room when i do have to be home. it's depressing. my report card is coming out, and a completely bombed this six weeks. i'm really spiraling out of control. i want to just curl up and sleep next to my boyfriend.

blah blah blah. i wish i was strong enough to be independent.

christmas is almost here.

so i realized, i over estimated the generosity of others this year. i busted my ass shopping, baking, putting together, and creating presents. it just doesn't seem worth it. plus, i'm so down on money, it's not even funny. i hate not having a job. I HATE MONEY, AND THE FACT THAT WITHOUT IT, I COULDN'T SURVIVE. i hate that i can never have enough for whatever i need.

i feel ugly.

i seem to be in a good place in my life right now.

i've been so grumpy lately. liiike, anything and everything will piss me off. and it's partially my fault, i suppose. i'm somewhat emotionally unstable.

BUT THIS DAMN CANKER SORE. it's inside my mouth, and it's located where a bracket of my braces can just rub up against it any time it pleases. AND IT MAKES ME SO IRRITABLE.

lame, yes. but this is why i've been so edgy all week. my appologies?

i can't eat. i can't lick my lips. i can't talk. i can't even pucker up for a kiss.

WAAAAAAAAAH.

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i hate school, and grades, and college. i hatehatehate it. i hate my laziness. why can't i get off my ass and DO something for a change? it'll make my grades go up, i can tell you that for sure. i sucked at government and economics this six weeks.

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all i ever want to do nowadays is hang out with kris. my day seems so incomplete if there isn't a significant amount of time spent with him. i love it, but it makes me feel so...dependent. and needy. and...i don't know. i see myself pulling away from my friends, from school, and from school activities for him. all time time goes to him...but that's how i like it. =\ i just know it won't be good in the future. but how am i supposed to go out and have fun elsewhere when i know i could be hanging out with him? guuuuhhh. it's sick, just slap me. thanks.

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SO LAZY. DO...HOMEWORK. study for your freaking SATs. take notes. pay attention in class?! i hate myself. and my lack of self-will.

time to un-neglect my xanga.

there's so much i want to write about, but this just doesn't feel like the right moment to.