It just sank in.

I'm leaving in two weeks to study abroad in Germany for a year!!!

How do I feel?  Some crazy combination of thrilled and terrified.  You see, it's like this:

Here I am now, at home, in  Happy Smiley Land  because life is great right now and I'm just, well, happy!  I am now approaching the boundary between  Happy Smiley Land  and  My Future  which happens to include something I've dreamed of doing for many years - spending a year studying in Germany - and the possibility of finding out a good deal more about what the rest of my life might look like - or at least the next few years.   My Future  looks quite exciting, and in fact I've been anticipating it for quite some time.  But see, in order to get there, I have to leave  Happy Smiley Land  behind.  And even though I've always been excited to travel to  My Future , I've never actually been there before. 

And, you see, it's not like going to Berlin on a vacation.  If it were, I would be very briefly leaving  Happy Smiley Land  to journey to  Holy Smokes I'm in Germany This is Soooooooo Sweet!!! Land .  I'd be, like, going nuts.  And I always pictured I'd be like that when I headed off for my year abroad.  But now I'm worried that I'm going to miss out on that "initial euphoria" (as my study abroad packet defines the first phase of "culture shock") because I'll be missing  Happy Smiley Land .  It's really very silly because  Happy Smiley Land  is not going to disappear, and I do get to go back.  It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever.  (Now don't even get me started on what-ifs like, "What if God really is calling me to go live over there?" or "What if there really is a 'Günther' over there waiting for me to fall in love with him and marry him?" heh heh heh...)  It all just seems so big.  I'm heading off to Germany, saying goodbye to many people that I love and have felt so at home with this summer as well as the most amazing friends I could've hoped for at school.  My brother starts his senior year of high school tomorrow.    Like that's not weird or anything... riiiiiiight.

Summer's basically over.  It's weird.  Weird weird.  God, please grant me peace!  Peace rules!

I made a somewhat frightening realization tonight.

As much as I've done this summer, I'm not sure what I've learned.  I'm not sure how I've changed or grown.  I'm not sure what God is doing in my life right now.  Is it possible that I've been so concerned with trying to help or fix or improve other people that I've neglected to work on improving myself?  Or have I just wound up not being fed somehow this summer?  Or am I just unable to see what God is doing or what I'm learning and how I'm changing?

That's a big deal!

Also, I've made a decision.  I don't really want an iPod or other mp3-player right now.  I want to save my money to fly myself to Philly for Michelle's wedding.

In other news, I really really really want to get over my trust issues.  I'm tired of being secretly suspicious or skeptical of people I love, people who I'm supposed to trust as my leaders.  I don't want to lose my own ability to discern (if I even have much of one), I just want to quit assuming the worst about people all the time.  It's this really ugly form of pride and I'm quite infected by it.

Oh yeah, VBS rocked my world.  I am still ridiculously crazy about kids.  Praise God for Hannah, who prayed to receive Christ as her savior at VBS!  I had tons of fun.  My mom worked at it too and we had a blast together. 

I've decided that grown-ups would be soooooooo much happier if they would get over themselves and just decide to be kids again.  Like, no joke.  Grown-ups are sooooooo boring and they think they're just too old and tired to do what kids do, and in some circumstances they might be, but most of the time, they really just think they're too cool, and they need to get over themselves because they're the ones missing out.  Besides, God wants us to come to Him as little children, and He really meant it - you can learn an awful lot from kids.

Wow this was a random post.  :)

Had the BEST Wildwood ever this year!  Hooray for rejuvenated family relationships and wonderful times with cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and of course my good ol' mom, dad & li'l' bro. 

P.S. For those who don't know, Wildwood is a little place on the New Jersey shore, where the Lordeman family has gone for summer vacation for 50 years now.  It is a tradition I treasure. 

My favorite pic from the trip:

This is a re-creation of a photo taken many many years ago.  That's me and my bro with my cousins Tim, Craig and Julie.

God always gets His way.  It's because His way is better.  He really knows what we need and what's best for us, even if it isn't what we want initially.

Had a very humbling yet encouraging week at MDA camp.  My feelings and attitude about MDA camp have changed quite a bit.  I didn't really want to go back this year but boy did I ever need a week of caring for a disabled 16-year-old with a bunch of VERY southern and in some cases not so "sophisticated" people to realize how much sin is really in me and how desperately I need God's mercy and grace.  It was an overwhelming dose of reality - a good hard look at how filthy I really am.  Praise God that He alone makes me pure and has conquered all of that sin - regardless of how grueling the process of removing it all may be.  I can't believe how proud I had become... how self-centered... unloving...

I found myself, however, ending the week feeling very encouraged.  I was humbled and honored to receive the female "Counselor of the Year" award along with my fellow counselor Kelly who also took care of Patricia with me.  It was encouraging to see that those people - as distant as I feel from them at times - valued me as a counselor, in spite of my own personal opinion that I could've done the job a lot better than I did.  It's always humbling and encouraging at the same time to receive some sort of honor you feel you didn't deserve.  (I also got a very nice Eddie Bauer sleeping bag as a prize!  Quite convenient!  )  People were also sooooooooo supportive of us this year.  Kelly and I shared a lot of laughs, even through the not-so-fun stuff.  Patricia had the best night of her life Friday night at the dance and talked about it afterward until she feel asleep.  She was so beautiful.  I want pictures.  And as much as I thought for sure that this would be my last year at MDA camp, I left knowing in my heart that I really wanted to come back.  I feel like I'm really a part of it all, and it seems that God has broken through my stubborn pride enough for me to be able to see how I can really glorify Him at MDA camp.  Perhaps the most encouraging thing was to observe the contrast between my outlook on Patricia's situation and that of the other counselors and staff.  To them it's all hopeless, and they basically hate Patricia's mom and blame all the difficulties in Patricia's life on her, and they just can't wait to get away from it, though they do feel really bad for Patricia.  But somehow I really believe there's hope for this family.  Patricia's life is worth something in the Kingdom - it's worth a lot, and I really think this is just the beginning of a glorious journey with God that this family will embark on someday, hopefully soon.  Maybe it's already begun.  I guess we'll see.

In other news, I saw the movie Cars tonight and I definitely approve.  What a great story, with a great message behind it!  I really needed that tonight. 

I also need sleep.  And a shower.  And a glorious Sunday morning with my Savior tomorrow.

Good night...

Okay I've definitely been putting off updating my Xanga, but I just posted a mondo-huge comment on Zach's and then I thought, "Maybe I should put this on my Xanga," and then I thought, "Or maybe I should just update my Xanga because I'm such a lazy bum." 

There ya have it.

So what have I been up to?  Well, my summer looks like this.  Two days a week I babysit for this ridiculously sweet family from my church.  I babysit their two boys, who are aged 8 and 10 and are the nicest boys ever.  They don't even fight with each other.  It's crazy.  And they love going to the neighborhood pool, so guess who's gonna get an amazing tan this summer?  Yup, it's me.  :)  The rest of the week I work at Cold Stone, which I absolutely love.  It's just so much fun, and I love all the people I work for/with, and the customers are almost always really friendly too, and it's just super fun making people yummy ice cream treats all day.  I love my job. 

In addition to that stuff, the Beth Moore women's Bible study group has started up again, which is fabulous.  I love those ladies so much!  They are so sweet and we all learn and grow so much.  This summer we're doing a study called When Godly People Do Ungodly Things.  It's a pretty deep/intense study about temptation and sin.  I really believe God's going to do amazing things through our study this summer.  (He always does!)

Church is also fabulous.  I love my church so much!!!  I'm working with the teens this summer - I'm basically there to be sort of a background helper and example.  It's really cool to realize how God can use even simple things that I say or do to have an impact on the teens, though I must confess it's kinda scary at the same time.  It's a big responsibility, and for whatever reason, even seeing that I'm having a good influence kinda freaks me out.  So if you remember me in your prayers, please pray that the Holy Spirit would overcome those fears and lead me on in what He is calling me to do, that I might not be distracted by other voices in my head that perpetuate the fears but instead listen to His voice as He speaks to me and guides me in being a loving example.

So, I think that's pretty much all the news from here.  If it's not, I'm too tired to think of anything I missed.  Man I got tired fast.  Much love to everyone!