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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| Assignment.I did something that I needed to do for a long time.
Done with procrastination!! Woot!
By the way, my ability to predict the way certain things work kinda amazes me sometimes. Yay for instinct!
Now I'm off to the homework!
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| Missing ApplesCame back from a short trip. Now, my summer is slowly beginning.
Had a meeting with my professor about my summer class which I'm doing in a form of independent study. As much as I'm looking forward to having him share his knowledge and experience through our class, my mind is filling up with a dull color of worry... The reasons shall stay unsaid.
One of my very very good friend is a gay guy and he's a great listener and always understands my point of view. I bet I act a whole lot different around him than I do around other people, particularly guys. Through our conversation, I can see my weakness and where I need to be more honest with myself. Good conversation like this is really priceless, yet cost free!
Having said so, odd enough, my circle of friends are rather dominated by guys. I do have girl friends, but there are larger number of guy friends than girl friends; then it comes down to one question: are they really my friends?
Definition is what defines the relationship you have between other people. It seems like a big deal sometimes, but it really isn't. You could be in a well defined relationship, but still that does not guarantee the depth, quality, and meaning of the relationship. So, when I call someone friend, that does not give me any clear idea of what our relationship actually is as well as how it should be (if it's not the way it should be already). It's kinda sad to think about sometimes although it does not necessarily need to be that way.
Never had I imagined putting a high priority on my own happiness would be so difficult when I was little. Candies, cartoons, play time with friends, fresh laundry, and my mother's warm arms. Things that made me happy were quite simple and promising. Things have developed the dimensions..., and now I'm buried under the thoughts.
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| Summeri'm sometimes weak. knowing that does not just make me stronger. they say it's obvious. i hope i can see it too. or believe it. because when i think about it, i guess i "see" it, but i don't like to believe it. if i follow my rules, i was wrong, but if it's the matter of what i felt right, i think i did right. i hope i mean something. i always have and always will. one phone call. that's all it takes. no more than 5 minutes. and now i'm wondering... I came to visit my old town. I'm very gratefull that I got to come. This is the only week I could do anything away from college. My summer might be very long, but I'm determined to make the most of it. I really need it. As weired as it may sound, I think I'm feeling a bit homesick. And by saying "homesick", I don't mean my actual home, Japan, but my current home. I think I just want to be around certain people over there especially at this particular moment. Today, I ended up in sitting around in the living room, doing nothing pretty much all day, and that nothingness got me think a lot about it. I didn't have any remedy, but just sleep through it in order to avoid feeling like crap. I wish I had a book to read or stuff to draw. That would have been very helpful. Having said so, it's nice to get to see people I care all the same. Tomorrow, I am going to see a friend of mine whom I haven't seen since last July. It will be a lot of fun. | | |
| attentioni guess you can do one of two.
not the both at the same time
that kind of attempt will find you awkward.
i need to make up my mind
vague is not the good thing
i need to have an answer ready
if i don't want to be awkward
i feel sorry for them
for not getting what they asked
i feel sorry for myself
for wasting the chance given to me
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| Shoulder and PillowI had a fairly good day today, but on the contrary, my inside is being a bit rough rough.
I miss my friends. Ones who are not around at the moment. I miss their familiarity, old stories I could talk about with them, chance to do catching-up, and simply, their warmth.
My inside is being bumpy because of poor work of patching. I don't know if it's better to just pay no attention and lead a normal life, or get on the possibly most stressful work.
I use to question fairness often. I've just realized that. I was reading my old journals last night. That thing can be very useful as well as a bit evil. My old self from 3 years ago might not like who I am now... Oh well.
Unfortunately, I've come to realize that I'm still paying the price that should never have cost me. I denied, but I guess a friend saw the otherwise. I honestly don't know what's right now. I don't feel entirely fair about it, but I don't know what's there to gain even if I resist. Or contradict, or confront, or even blame. It has a desire to be known, but then again, so what?
This won't get me anywhere.
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