happy sigh

Currently Listening Cartel By Cartel see related

[so i just started writing in Word and this is the result]

First Entry, Thoughts of a Tired Girl.                                               9/2/2007    3:14 am

            It's interesting how much music can resonate in your soul. You can't quite describe what it is a good song does to you, but something resonates, and there's a response. You LOVE the song. It describes something that words alone cannot. The words alone are insightful, but paired with the music… there's just something different. It's virtually impossible to describe. In fact, it is. You can try, but your words don't fully comprehend what it is you're saying.

            Words are interesting monsters. They can be as beautiful as a sunset, and they can be ugly. They can be thrown together so eloquently, and can be a jumbled mess. But what are words? They are sounds that we make to make sense of things. But words alone cannot save you. There's always something left unspoken. A void, if you will, of unspoken things that reside deep inside your being. And you cannot describe it… because the words fall short. The phrase "I don't know" in response to the question "why?"  can encompass many things. But mostly, for me, they are words that are said when I do know, but either I do not want to find the words to describe or I have an idea but know that my words will fall short of what I truly mean. And sometimes I try, and only gleam a little light into what is already there and really don't explain at all. Or the words are mostly there, but something inside me does not want them to be said so as to hide.

            Walls. Walls are intriguing. In the sense that they can protect and keep you safe by keeping others out, but they also enclose you in. It's like a room. Four walls, a floor, and a ceiling. At first the room may seem small and not a good place to be, but the more and more we make it a refuge, the better it seems. And it gets to a point where the room is everything you would ever want it to be… but you're inside it, alone. And you feel safe…. but you're inside it, alone. And since the room is a refuge, one could stay in it forever. But at what cost? The walls become your prison. But from the inside it may seem wonderful and safe, but from the outside its like looking at prison bars. Dark and foreboding. Why do we enjoy hiding away so? In the end it's dangerous, it's captivity… but it's friendly captivity. We don't mind holding ourselves captive. However, captivity never stays friendly. In the end there's a cost. Is that cost really worth it? Why is it so hard for us to give up the walls and let others in? We're defensive… to a fault. We may let them down a little bit, so we can see out, but then someone does the equivalent of punching you in the face, and the wall becomes fortified and stronger than it was before. Each time the wall gets a crack in it, we must fix the crack. No weaknesses should show, because surely someone will come along and try to find their way in and cause pain. But really, we are blinding ourselves to the truth and only seeing the lie that the world wants to cause us pain every time we show ourselves. How is that even a legitimate way to live? Encased in your prison. Separate. Safe. But how safe? Safe from heartache caused by others, safe from everything? But not quite. We hide ourselves away from external pain, but in the end we end up hurting ourselves. And words fail to describe that pain caused by the walls, or we are afraid to have those words spoken from our lips and hide ourselves away. No one wants inside, no one's knocking on the door, no one's standing outside looking at this wall and wishing it wasn't there. But oh that's a lie we've trained ourselves to believe as we exist behind these prison walls, reluctant to leave.

            And maybe, just maybe, most find the words to say of what's in their hearts that they've kept locked away for so long. And escape from their imprisonment. And the emptiness that was so hard to describe will eventually be filled in and as gone as the words that could not be found.

            But sometimes that prison ensnares you again. And the words that you desire to say are locked away and only the idea of them exist.

            Although you desire to say the words, in the end, you're the one who locks them away.

i am so BORED

I'M GOING TO GO INSANE. in fact, i believe that i'm already quite insane. i have been SO BORED. so last night i was here alone at the house and tonight i am too. and i really dont want to be, but people are busy and\or away and so i have nothing to do. i mean i could do cool stuff at home i guess, but i really just want to hang out with people. i'm so stir-crazy right now. and sick of cleaning, basically the only thing i could do here at home is watch a movie by myself, or clean. whoop dee do.

so anyways. yeah, thats about it. i'm bored out of my mind..

Currently Listening All the Pain Money Can Buy By Fastball see related

substantial

Currently Listening Fireproof By Pillar see related

geesh