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These are the Ties Which Try Men’s Souls

Do you, like so many, despise neckties?

Are you among the befuddled masses, yearning to breathe free rather than straining under the yoke of that tightly bound adornment?

But you’ve worn it because your boss requires it, or simply because it is the accoutrement of professionalism in our society?  All the while, living a life of quiet desperation, wishing to tear that hated necktie away and trample upon it as you would trample upon the conformity and stuffiness and repression it represents?

Now you have some ammunition.  You are not alone.  Click the link on neckties above and scroll down to the heading “anti-necktie” sentiment.  There is a revolution afoot, and it is growing by the minute, comrade.  We can bring these neckties to heel!  As one heavily bearded Richard Marx once said after a few too many vodkas, “Neckties are reckless of the health or length of life of the laborer, unless under compulsion from society.”

What other conclusion may be drawn, comrades?  We as a society must compel neckties to abandon their reckless disregard for the health or length of life of the laborer!  People, UNITE!  Rebel against conformity, against the spreading of disease and filth, against the raising of eye pressure which is a well-known risk factor for glaucoma and a plot to keep down the rightfully-ruling proletariat, all caused by the tyranny of pompous neckties.  Are you with me?  I said, ARE YOU WITH ME?

Your response:  (THUNDEROUS CHEERING)*

* Obey or face the consequences of your insolence, you tie-wearing stooge.

“My friend, tread lightly upon the world wide web, lest you get stuck and the world wide spider come to devour you.”

Who said this?  What does it mean?  What would it look like to follow this advice?  Do you know of someone who failed to heed it?  How will it affect your own life?  Can you think of any other insightful questions to ask about this quote?*  I doubt it.  But you can try.

* Do you even care? (Shame on you, if you don’t!)
 

A Blast From the Past

Believe it or not, before I became a bitter, crotchety old coot making up spurious but plausible quotes and attributing them to our governor, I was once a budding young artist:

A friend of mine sketched the shady outline of a police officer applying handcuffs to this unique individual expressing his love for broccoli.

But there are greater calamities than being arrested:

“Oh, woe is me!  Another bad hair day!”

“Do not despair, my dear.  For me, every day is bad hair day.”

Good thing that strange little man was there to put her at ease! (with the odd comfort in knowing there’s someone worse off than you)

Creative Tourism

Recently it was announced by the office of our eminent governor that Illinoisans would be seeing more roadkill on Illinois roadways in the upcoming months.  One may well wonder why.  “Why?” you may wonder!  I don’t know why you may wonder why one may well wonder why–you’ll have to answer that question for yourself–but I do have a theory as to why we will be seeing more roadkill:  Perhaps the increasing number of drivers on Illinois roads this summer, a traditional time for vacationing, will mean more collisions with animals.

But theorization and wondering are unnecessary.   There is more to it.

For our good governor has explained it all clearly:  “Less clean-up of roadkill will save money for our department of transportation, and allowing animals to decompose in a natural fashion will showcase the splendid array of wildlife our great prairie state has to offer, providing a form of eco-tourism sure to delight and attract many visitors here who will spend their dollars in Illinois.  These visitors will have to drive to get here, and the increased traffic will lead to a ‘snowball effect’ as more vehicle-animal collisions occur.  IDOT’s new ‘Roadkill Bingo’ cards, available at their website online and at any Illinois Welcome Center, are a fun new educational, family-friendly travel activity which will enable visitors to track the biodiversity of our highways’ roadkill and play a fun game at the same time.  With the popularity of television shows such as the CSI series, the ‘gross-out factor’ adds positive appeal.  In addition, the extra roadkill will ensure that our scavenger populations do not reach critically low numbers.  Who could imagine the Land of Lincoln without turkey vultures?  I for one, would despair to live in a state devoid of their particular sort of beauty.  I encourage all responsible Illinoisans as a civic duty to look past the high gas prices, get out on the roadways, and start running animals over!”

Regardless of whether you agree with our governor’s revolutionary new tourism plan, you must admit:  The turkey vulture, whether soaring overhead upon the currents of a mighty thermal or gnawing at the carcass of a flattened opossum, is an icon of unparalleled majesty and grace.

Disclaimer:  The above article may only bear a tangential relationship to reality

Update:  Alas, I fear for the turkey vulture’s future.

Happy Belated Earth Day

As time goes by, I become ever more convinced that the two greatest threats now facing humankind are 1) a giant asteroid from outer space and 2) disposable diapers.  The imminent doom of our race, even our very planet are inevitable unless immediate action is taken to forestall these threats!
 
But how, you may ask?  We’re not superheroes.  You may think you are, but that is a fallacy.  I’m sorry to have to break the news to you, but superheroes are only made-up, that is to say, they are pretend.  You’re living in a fantasy land if you think that superheroes are going to solve our problems!  That imaginary world might not be a bad place to live for a little while, but eventually you’re going to have to come back to the real one.  And your return to reality is going to be a big downer if every landmass on the planet is covered with diaper landfills higher than skyscrapers and all life upon it is about to be vaporized by a catastrophic asteroid hurtling toward it at several thousand miles per second.

What real-world solution could possibly save us from this unenviable future?

It’s really very simple:  An international coalition must be formed with the mission of blasting these disposable diapers up above our atmosphere with gargantuan rockets specially designed for hauling such stinky cargo.  In the process, they (the diapers) will be sterilized by cosmic rays from the starry void, then expelled and melded together to form an immense, impenetrable shield around our planet.  Project Diaper Shield will not only keep out doomsday asteroids, wayward comets, and hostile armadas of space aliens, but also accomplish the essential task of protecting our planet from leaky wetness (thereby preventing the loss of perhaps our planet’s most precious nonrenewable resource:  H20).*  Project Diaper Shield will undoubtedly cost U.S. taxpayers several trillion dollars to put into action, but it will be, assuredly, the best several trillion dollars we ever spent!  It will take millions of parents worldwide dedicated in harmonious union to the cause of donating their babies’ used diapers for the shield.  It will employ the best and brightest of our generation, pumping money into our country’s stumbling, anemic economy.  That monetary infusion will get our economy so robust and agile it will soon be performing back-flips and doing one-fingered pushups with one arm tied behind its back.  And that is the kind of economy of which we all as Americans can be proud!  We can then say boldly to other countries, “my economy can beat up your economy!” and mean it!

But it’s not really about economies.  It’s about our future.  And how, by playing one great threat against another, we can dispel both, saving not only Mother Earth but also her glorious, dismal parasite, humanity, at the same time!  The irony is symbiotic.

* It will also make the thinning ozone layer irrelevant and cure global warming.

He is Risen Indeed!

A Contrarian Responds

Dear Stupidocles,

Old, Bearded Prospector here, representing the Miner Anti-Defamation League (MADL) since 1849. 

First of all, I would like to commend you for your part in keeping miners from not being not famous.  However, I have a miner quibble with your recent blog entry, “Discrimination in Today’s America.”  What you write about miners is completely untrue.  Could it be possible that you have confused the terms “miner” and “minor”  (as well as “prosecute” and “persecute”)?

If you were merely spreading the rumor that while an old, bearded man was searching for his fortune during the California Gold Rush, he was bitten by a bat in some mine and since then has spent his time being immortal, drinking blood, and controlling bats with mind power, I would not complain, provided that you also emphasized the point that he uses his powers for good, directing bats to keep down the harmful mosquito population and encouraging them to routinely get their rabies shots. 

Please get your facts straight and avoid making generalizations about miners unless you know what you’re talking about.

Sincerely,

The Old, Bearded Prospector

P.S.  For health and hygiene, take an aspirin a day and stay away from the garlic!

Could it be possible that I have confused the terms “miner” and “minor”?  Well, GEEEEE!  I guess ANYTHING’s possible, but I think it’s highly improbable.  I can assure you my Xanga entries are thoroughly researched and referenced, though perhaps in a non-traditional way (I’m not giving away my secrets). 

Discrimination in Today’s America

Political correctness is an oft-criticized concept, but unjustifiably so.

For it is based on noble ideals and has accomplished great things, such as causing us to tiptoe painstakingly to avoid offending certain people groups in myriad ways which might otherwise be natural to us (e.g. inappropriate jokes, careless comments, or silly old-fashioned ways of thinking).  But sadly, in spite of today’s environment of enlightened political correctness, it seems that there is still one people group, one lifestyle which it is still okay to ridicule or prosecute.

I am speaking of course, of miners.  This people group has been so maligned that the phrase “persecuted as a miner” has become a part of our national lexicon.  Arguably, no other people group in America faces such open prosciutto.*  Nobody screams in outrage when a sports team uses a “miner” caricature as their mascot.  Our society deprives miners of many rights which we bestow upon other citizens.  One would think that years of slaving away underground, breathing in coal dust (perhaps salt, diamond, or mineral ore dust, depending on the type of mine) would garner a little respect.  However, in my town of Salem, Illinois, they have even gone so far as to outlaw the sale of tobacco to miners!

Yes, tobacco is evil, but we should uphold miners’ right to purchase it, as long as they don’t smoke it anywhere near a public building or me.  In fact, Salem’s tobacco law is every bit as ridiculous as that law prohibiting miners from attending certain movies except in the presence of “a dolt” (which they conveniently fail to define)**.  Since such laws seek to impose a certain moral code upon a specific people group, they are therefore unconstitutional.  We all know that one cannot legislate morality (with arguably the possible arguable exception of our laws against murder and theft, and arguably a few other insignificant ones).

So, in summary, political-correctness has been a bright light to our nation.  But it can become an even brighter shining beacon if in the future, we refine it to include treating the much-maligned miners with the same respect we accord to other (I hesitate to use the word “minorities”)… minorities (I didn’t say I wouldn’t use it, just that I hesitated, for whatever that’s worth).  Hmm…maybe I should have just used “people group” again…  “Minority” would seem to indicate a belittling or designation of lesser status…. Not that I think or mean to imply that “minorities” are in any way lesser–that’s not what I mean–I just mean that the term itself could be misconstrued that way, what with the very root word “miner” in it, oh dear, I mean “minor!”  Aaarrgghhh!!!(-uably)  

* Italian for “persecution”
** Webster’s defines it as:  “A blockhead; dunce.”

Methinks He Doth Protest Too Much

Dear Stupidocles,

Your recipe for eating groundhogs left me thoroughly disgusted and appalled!  I’m sick of all you “shockbloggers” aiming for the lowest common denominator, trying to one-up each other with increasing gross-outmanship!

Don’t you realize there are already perfectly good and tasty rodents out there for the eatin’? What is there to be gained by eating an animal that can predict the weather at least as accurately as your, I mean, our human weathercasters? Besides, the widely known fact is that groundhogs taste the absolutely worst of all mammals native to our planet (the duckbill platypus, hailing of course from Neptune, cannot be counted)!

Phillip Gunderhaag
Punxsutawney, PA

It does seem my “Recipe for the Ages” was not so unique after all, but I stand by it all the same.