suciababe's Xanga

Writing Poetry to avoid my life

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:46:20 GMT

The world of change has come to pass
And all in silent witness be
For all is said and done at last
The changer of the world is me

When Kings of yore shall ask me how
I knew that this could come about
I’ll coyly smile and say “Here now,
I mustn’t let the secret out.”

Sailing on a sea of greenish jealousy
She rides her wave
Passing through a world of not
The wave goes on and on

The world keeps spinning faster and faster till day and night are one.
Where is my spinning sparrow to poke a hole to see the sun?
I call to him “Dear sparrow won’t you come to save the day?”
But sparrows cannot answer, so I spin and wait and sway.

When broken bottle glass finds its way into my shoe
It makes me stop, and think awhile of you
You with your jagged razor rough edge
Who thrusts me through to a different day
Yet sparkles in the sunlight of a noon tide
Like ribbon dancers through a sky

Hot bubbling mess
Torment, teasing, tense
The chili pepper fire
Of a new found lover’s kiss
Burns me through to another day

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 09:05:24 GMT

my cousin Leslie died yesterday. he'd been fighting cancer for as long as i can remember, and after many victories he lost. it's weird how the world works. you see Leslie and i were never close. he was in his mid 40s with a family and worked as a lawyer for the army. the army life style combined with the best cancer treatment in the country meant that they moved around a fair bit, so long story short-ish i hadn't seen him or his family for about ten years or so. then last year he and his wife came to chicago for a long weekend and i, being the residential chicago relative, got to spend a fair bit of time with them one on one. then i ran into them again at my uncle's (his father's) retirement gala. after an extremely long time of knowing i had a cousin named Leslie, but not actually knowing him, i was given the chance to get to know him as an adult. he was a great guy. easy to talk to, funny, honest, and one of those people who seems genuinly interested in what you have to say.

the family as a whole is of course sad, but in some ways there is a sort of relief. everyone has known that Leslie would have rough times with the cancer and would almost inevitably die from it at some point. it was always a question of when. no one knew when it would get really bad again, so it was always sort of hovering over them. he has two daughters. the younger one is in middle school. she was born after her dad was diagnosed. she's never known a father without cancer.

i'm very lucky to have spent some time with him more recently. it struck me this morning how young he really was. i guess i always think of death as in the far future. my gramma for example was nearly ninty when she died last year. i forget that it could really happen to anyone. this hit me this morning when i was realizing that Leslie was about the same age as a lot of my professors. at our school we have a very different relationship with our professors as most. we call them all by their first names, and in some form of the word they become our friends. they seem so young and full of life, and it hit me that Leslie was young and full of life too, but that life was drained out of him too early.

ouch

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 21:47:53 GMT

my stomach hurts. i think i'm done now. no wait hold that thought. i am done now. i have gone too far and must now officially come to terms with the whirlwind that is my life. no more excuses. i have officially decided to get back on track. yea for me.

i went to pick my mom up from school the last couple of days. it's a nice arrangement we have when i'm home, so that i can use a car during the day and am not stranded in the woods for eight hours. when i was at her school i found myself watching my mom and a conglomerate of other middle school teachers singing and dancing their way through the best of the beatles in preparation for the school's annual musical. lately there's been an insurgence of new teachers at the school and for the first time ever i found myself watching the teacher routine involving my peers right along side the peers of my mother. my friends of friends are right up there along side my mother shaking their booties to "shake it up baby". it got me thinking about life and career choices. what would life be like working an eight hour job for thirty years? i don't know and i really don't want to know. i was talking to an old friend today who has to start making decisions about what to do after undergrad. he's having second thoughts about his original career aspirations and has recently come across a much more fun and appealing career move. he mentioned it almost as a joke. i told him to go for it and i hope he does. it may not be as financially stable or as practical a choice, but let's consider for a moment what would happen if this friend of mine doesn't give this crazy idea a try, or if i never try to be an actor. we would spend the rest of our lives working mediocre jobs and always wondering what might have been. whereas if we go for it, who knows? i could end up with a Tony and he could end up on the cover of Forbes as the year's best entrepreneur . you never know do you? and maybe i will end up as a middle school teacher with my only link to musical theatre being the annual spring show, but at least i will be able to say i tried.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 22:37:10 GMT

cherries. i smell like cherries. where did that come from?
st. patrick's day rocked my socks off. very wonderfully great times had with friends old and new.
now i'm home and listening to nostalgic music which is making me sad and miss school. i desperately need this break, but i don't know if i can handle a whole week without working and seeing everybody. i mean seriously i could pass this entire week without looking at a single piece of music or stretching a single muscle in my body, without a single bruise or blister on my feet, without trying to figure out what it feels like to be a lightning bolt or a 1930s call girl. i could, potentially, spend the whole week on my parents' couch watching tv. ew. weird. i NEED to work!!!!!! must find a piano asap!

side note: i really love the song "anytime". and "stop and see me". oh and like every other song philip gives me. what would i do without him? that is all

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 23:38:19 GMT

We had sun and double digit temperatures for two days in a row!!!! woohoo! spring is so totally in the air and i am pysched!!!! i just couldn't help but be happy this weekend. nice weather somehow makes everything seem ten times nicer than it ought to and i support that. it is clearly a dixie chicks moment!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:36:43 GMT

life smells like pizza. delicious.
coke head? don't believe it...though it does kind of make sense...no, refuse to believe it. heat. flashing. turning. twirling.
must get thinner, but love to eat. socializing is eating. food is love. love is good and necessary and true. so is frosting and soda pop and cheese.
the best song ever christened by the mother diva, my future, queen. paths cross. lives entwine. why?
too young and old. cross roads. here? there?
choices. blind narrow impulsive. choices.
melodies racing through my brain.
voices chanting. now. now. now.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 18:19:58 GMT

i'm really sad right now and i haven't the foggiest clue why. it's my birthday. i'm twenty today. no longer a teenager, officially an adult. birthday's are supposed to be fun and i should be happy, but i'm not. i got in a show. it's even a real show, not one at school. rehearsals start sunday, so i should be happy about that. classes are starting and it's spring semester which is a hundred times better than fall. i should be happy about that too. i saw a great show last night, i had an amazing tap class this week, i am healthy and safe. happy happy happy. so why can't i stop crying?

i miss my brother. i miss kyle. i miss ellen, and home, and all those friends who went to school together without me. i am so jealous of them at this moment. i hope i haven't burned any bridges. i haven't meant to. i'm sorry if i did.

one of my roommates is driving me crazy. she's annoying, dirty, and chews really loudly. i am a horrible person for caring about these things. i wanted people to come over to celebrate my birthday, but no one loves me enough to show up. i know they're not coming. i knew they wouldn't, so why did i put myself through the torture of asking and rejection? we're actors. we lie. i don't have friends. i just like to pretend i do. i also like to pretend that i'm good enough, smart enough, fun enough to have friends, but i guess those are lies i tell myself. i'm really not good enough. i'm a socially awkward mess, and nobody likes that sort. i'm moody and i cry. a lot. i'm not the sort of person who has friends, apparently. i guess it wouldn't be so bad if it was consistent, but no, just like my vicious emotions it comes in waves. for a time people seem to genuinely like me, and i begin to think that it's ok, that i'm ok, but then just as i'm getting comfortable something snaps and it all goes away. i don't know what i've done or said, but it's all just gone. maybe i'm just good at first impressions, but then once people get to know me they don't like what they find. but i don't really think i'm good at first impressions either, so that's probably not it. at this moment in this city i only really have two friends. two wonderful girls who for some reason see all my weirdness and like me anyway. i really can't imagine why they like me, but i'm very thankful that they do. if i continue like this i'm going to end up like eleanor rigby in that beatles song. what am i doing with my life?

Happy Christmas Eve!

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 15:11:45 GMT

Christmas Eve. wow. it feels like we were just doing this Christmas thing. could it have really been a whole year ago? i am in such a better place in life this year than i was last. the family is a bit of a drag, but such is the curse of the college student. you're away from them enough to at least somewhat look forward to seeing them again, but those memories of the hell that was high school are lingering a little too close to let you actually enjoy spending time with them. if there's one concelation, i can take comfort in the fact that all of my lovely friends are going through relatively the same situation.

but, 'tis Christmas and therefore let's be merry!

here we come a wassailing among the leaves so green,
and here we come a wondering so fair to be seen!
love and joy come to you!
and to you a wassail too,
and God bless you and send you a happy new year,
and God send you a happy new year!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 23:11:34 GMT

i'm home. i'm bored. so life as usual. though i have found a new thing to despise about coming home. yea? my mom suddenly is all interested in my love life. she got married when she was about four months older than i am right now, which i personally think is entirely insane, but maybe that's what's sparked her sudden interest. she's all like, "you always talk about all these gay boys. aren't there any straight boys around?" well yeah mom there are. and yeah i get the occasional number or get hit on or spoon or make out drunkenly with someone. i would even go so far as to say that there are a few potential boyfriend materials hovering somewhere in between crush land and showing mutual interest, but i do not want to talk to you about them. i do not want to talk to the woman who only ever dated / kissed / slept with one man in her entire life. how could this woman possibly understand my situation, even if she is my mother? uhg. i just don't want to talk to her about it.

so moving right along. i went to the high school concert on sunday. not bad. i got to see some old chums afterwards and everything went a lot smoother than i thought it might. since when is matt tall? did anyone else miss that memo, or was that just me? and i think andrew might be a little taller too. maybe i'm just shrinking. i suppose i was wearing rather flat shoes...but it think i had those shoes when i was in high school...whatever.

all in all can't complain life is good. miss school terribly, but for two weeks let's get fat on cookies and hot chocolate shall we?

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 16:10:08 GMT

OMFG!!!! I've lost 19.4 pounds since Halloween!!!!!!!!!!! Why is life so utterly fabulous right now? i love it so much! i love school, my friends, my skinnier self, Chrismastravaganza, EVERYTHING!!!! OMG Chrismastravaganza so totally kicked ass this year! Ok, so this is what it is. We took all day yesterday to go around and do all the super touristy chicago christmas stuff. we went to the market, shopped michigan ave, checked out the marshal fields / macy's windows, ate Garrett's popcorn, and ended it off by seeing the Holiday. it was fabulous! and by the way Holiday is a good flick go see it! In the words of Jane Austin, "Oh why can't everyone be as happy as I?"