feel so tired of life now... since im in college now i feel like i have lost my purpose and i lead a meangless life..i guess this mean i have done pretty much the basic that i wanted and i got it..im all good now..for reals... if i was to die tomorrow i wouldnt freak out about it... i would be glad about it..the things in life i cherish alot but still i have a deep passion for anything...the feelings of emotions are always present but the feelins that are rare for me to feel always excites me and is the only factor in life on why i would continue going down on this path i have in front of me. i feel as if i am doing nothing to move on...i am in the middle of time where time does not count to the actually redefining of self. its not that im irrated at the things that happen in life ...more like the way ppl interpret things...i have that problem also..where i will listen to what someone says and i will take it how ever i would want to take it...but usually i would take that chance to clarify and to show that i care what they say and i do care from deep down in my heart...but the thing is about othres...i'll say something and understand that they will take what i say differently...its proven that people get the information differently...i learned this through my english class..but the things is when things try to be clarified..others will be stubborn and will not yield to the person that is honestly thinkg and feeling the situation. it gets on my nerves when people do that. if i ask whats up...its just a question...people dont have to really think about is and say and "dig deep" and think oh is this person hitting on me? is this person suspicious of me...? no its jus a question. when people say nothing...as the resonse of whats up..are they really doing nothing?? are they really saying nothing because nothing has really changed from the last time the person talked to them...? are they saying nothing to reasure the other person the other side us bit worried about them?? are they saying nothing because something did happen but they dont want to talk about it? it can be all of these possiblities and beyong. it just frustrates me..no matter how many times you may say it to a person that they dont get its JUST a DAMN question and that it doesnt have to mean anything. it never occured to me that i only ask certain questions when i am concerened about something. yeah sure sometimes when i do have something on my my i aske specific question i ask over and over again...but the things is does it ABSOLUTLY have to mean something? NO  its like the whoel theory you kno that everything happens for a reason... yeah many can agree wtih that..but many can also agree that many of those reasons cant be explained. does EVERYTHING need an explaination...are we even possible to explaing everythihg? no matter what we do when we think of one things..it can be counteracted by another thought... y are some ppl blind about this? i get so frusttrated....it makes me more cautious and nervous at what i have to say than i already am. ppl tell me to such the fuck up..but i am quiet..dont they see that i dont burden ppl with my problems no more? dont you see i barely talk to anybody..and even if i do..dont you realize that is just shallow subjects?....sigh* NO many dont see that... they just see that im saying everything i want to say....but in truth everything in what i say willl cause problems.... i dont want shit to go down ..i dont want to deal wtih that shit...i want it as least as possible so i can live peacefully... if you really want me to be rebelious.....i'll be rebelious towards you...where you will begin to dislike me..hate me...and maybe even want to get rid of me...i CAN be this person...i just choose not to because i dont like to be nosy and be what ppl say whats up their ass...yeah sure i care about ppl and stuff..but the thing is...i'll move on...unless you are someone that has deeply moved me....but you see that is rare....many things are rare for me...and besides if ppl keep saying im hiding something and i dont eventually say it by the 3 or 4th time...then im not hiding anything...y should i have anything to hide...the only reason y i hide is to get away from ppl...if i dont want to get away i'll be totally honest..thats the person i am...if you already dont know that..that you laggin behind on truly understanding.... who needs to understand more? me i'll understand if i WANT to understand...sometimes i just dont care enough for ppl wanting me to understand them. for i only found that kind of understand only once in my life and that was the time of my life. but of course that ends.... im back at first base. do you kno where you stand...do you kno more or less than you think?? do you really havc that kind of confidence to push someone away...or do you have no courage to admit that your'e wrong? it takes more guts to say that you are wrong that saying you are right....havent you learned anything? i guess not...you still have much to learn...even if you tell yourself.. you self learned everything... you still have many flaws...your only human...your not god..or else you would be perfect...but the things is...there is no such thing...cuz even god is imperfect for you relgious folks...w/e god is or w/e religious infiliation you have is imperfect...they are and was flesh and blood like us....wahts the point of thinking there is a higher power guiding us...no shit sherlock...we guide ourselves to think w/e way we want to think...and sometimes we have deja vus i kno i had a couple...but that doesnt give the excuse that here is a god...the person that wrote these ancient text are human...y should we trust these dead people that there is a god and that they were real characters..impossible...while others are possible...everything in this world is a paradox..why make it even more complex and be a stubborn ass and admit it...it'll make things so much easier and so much smoother.

here is an example....your a guy and this girl your seeing asks you slept with 80 ppl...and honestly you have...if she really loves you the response will be positive or she just wont take it offensivly...if she does become overreatant...then shes not it...ditch her... im sure there are special cases out there...and im sure there are other opinions..but seriously this is just my opinion and some may agree wtih me...but for my the guy honestly told me 80 and he is for sure clean and i see proof and i love him deeply enough then i dont care...he could have sex with 100 ppl and as long as i kno he loves me and i love him and we can actually work things out together honestly and respectfully then its all good to go...

and girls if a guy ditches you..so what...if he realizes he has made a mistake either shove it in his face by saying no when he comes back or let him come back and help him out...

ppl frustrate me..sometimes i ask myself how i can put of with this shit..ppl ask me how i put of with this....and to be honest i dont kno how i do it..i just do...i guess my pride....its one thing to break down my pride....

and many ppl can agree this about me...im flexible but grounded....which means i absorb everything but in the end i kno what i want and i'll go after it IF i want it bad enough. other than that...it goes by me..like time. sigh...ppl are idiots..including myself....

if im reborn i'll be a dolphin how about that...or maybe just a turtle...that should be fun...or how about a sloth...now that would be a life..but you kno what i mean..i hate human beings...the status of humans should all disappear...it'll make things soo much easier...seriously -_-

well here i am finally at the UW...i made a huge accomplishment to getting into this school...now i gotta go through a step by step process..but for some reason im not any more joyous that i was before. i mean dont hear the bicking of my parents telling me to do this to do that..but even with out them i stress my ownself out... it makes me wonder how i could take in so much, but as of right now i am emotional unstable and i am thinking about nothing while making that nothingness into a big problem. i gotta relax again... i mean i was so much better off relaxing and not giving shit of this world..but because im worried about how im doing in my classes and just dealing with it...i went back to my old habits and again became ignorant. i dont ask myself any questions its more like i just want to relax but no matter what i do i get distracted and i "fake" out things...idk i guess i gotta get away from it all..literally everything. wow what a wonderful timeing..."just one" by hoobastank. lol it fits pretty well how im feeling right now. idk.. i called jesse to see how the progress was..and so far a little bit better piece by piece...but you kno waiting is the hardest thing ever. then for some reason i had a moment in my life where everything felt worthless..and my purpose was lost and im still in that process of rebuilding myself. b/c of that jesse has been checking up on me and seeing how the progress goes. he's been nice about it..but lately everytime i talk to him..i feel happy that i still talk to him..but the subjects we talk about makes me wanna cry...it all depresses me. asking me how i would feel if he dies. i tell him the honest truth and i think i sorta surprised how honest i was. i wanted to be honest with him cuz i didnt want that to happen..well not yet atleast...all this waiting then would become pointless in my life and i dont want things to be regretful. i hate that i really do. but i jus get sick of things..the same things over and over again.. i miss the excitement i had..that was the fun time of my life..the risks being somewhat badass.....i guess..i miss doing all that..and honestly i still want to do so much..but what if all that runs out..what if i end up living pointlessly because i lose interest?...i eventually fall out of things...and lose interest.. the only reason i still keep up with certain things is because i have a deep fasination and i continuously learn something from them..i realized what i live for pretty much the thrill of being scared of being obsevant and all that useless crap. its all not woth anything...for me it all makes everything complicating..i cant ever go with the flow because i fight against it..i rebel over the littlest things..and i hate it..just even a month ago i was able to be "all good" and relax and ease my mind..but i lost that again...and i guess i am seeking out someone to help me..but honestly the only person that can truly control that is myself. im upset at where i am to day. yeah sure i got into a huge school and so far im not doing all that bad..but whats the point of being here..when everything jus gets repeated...i forgot what i learned but i kno that i learned it. the reason y i forget things is because i belive it is insignificant...while others when i TRY to forget things it stays there forever and haunts me through out the day..and when i am able to dream..at sleep. i cant seem to get away from things even through sleep..it is still in the air the i breath.. the partiles that come in and out of my body. its dispicable. im upset at this. and i want to cry my heart out because of this..but ever since i moved to this school i never cried..i kno if i was at home i would have...but i CANT cry.. so i become even more bitter and cruel towards myself, others and begin to be irresponsible and be childish. i hole myself back in everything now... even to the people i love the most. it good everyone in awhile to drop a bomb, but for me...i wont let myself ever do that again. i'll talk little details but it wont ever make sense...it doesnt even make sense to me. i hate being in this state of mind cuz this jus means i actually have to get away from everything...the place i live..the thngs i eat ..the people i talk to..the people i love...i have to avoid everything to get on my head on straight..but i kno i wont do that..b/c i dont want to attract the attention that i really need help. but really if i could manipulate time..i would let it stop for now..and take a loooooong break and actually do nothing..cuz i guess doing nothing with a blank mind gives me the most peace and i'll be better off that way. people annoy me in so many aspects that i dont talk to anybody..and many to the point that i hate them cuz of the idiocracy that im witnessing. deep breaths help...i need to work out more...i have all this pent up eneregy in me yet im always so tired so instead i sleep...i sleep..through the day and through the night my mind wonders and i wont able to distract myself because i always have more stuff to bitch and vent about or something around that. been singing so i guess that replaces the crying...moments like this is the rason y i want to fly ... i really need to get out into the world and stop being such an emotional typical girl. goodness sake...im a 19 years old girl that still has life infront of her...where she reps her nationality her gender..her mind set her imagination her passion. but hahahaha funny how i said passion..cuz i have no passion for anything...never did and im still trying to find that..and how annoying that i told my family this...and they say well that can happen...that events that happen b/w life and death is complicating..but like i always tell myself now...w/ all the complex issues that come up there is always a simple answer to follow up that..so it eases up the pressure of everything esle..but i lost the confidence of myself yet my feeling of love still goes strong no matter what happens. how far will i get..how far can i go...how far will life take me..how far is too far???? all this is bullshit..man im done i gotta get my life back on track and fucking focus. i havent been able to do that..instead i have been dealing wtih my very own bullshit... and no one knows it but me.....a lkfajoidfaiosda

im so fucking frustrated....i hate stressing...i hate weakness..but in order to get stronger and better at anything everything must fall before it rises again into a more productive act.