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| i think ive been blessed with the ability to connect to people. i feel like my relationships with everyone are stronger than the bonds they have with others. i do take these things for granted.
i always say that i am selfish, but if it's a true friend and a good person, i will stop the world to listen to them and try to offer advice and try to help them. it makes me happy when deserving people succeed and are happy.
all the thoughts that i have been thinking so far this summer are just..
my mind is expanding at a rate that i can't comprehend. and i'm no longer tortured by it. i am embracing it, i love insight.
i'm trying to find patience. and the willpower to break free from destructive habits. i think i've found both because i've reaped the benefits of eating only when hungry and exercising 50 mins a day. there are undeniable benefits - and now that i lost five pounds, to know that i will never EVER gain them back if i keep up these good habits, well its one of the best feelings ive had this whole year. i must have been at the lowest of lows to get to 205 lbs. and i started out the year at 170. and i'm 5'4.
i've read some great books that have been really inspirational to me.
tweak by nic sheff - account of his cyclical addiction and rehabiliation from meth (but he was also heavily involved in heroin). i finshed the 350 page book in one 7 hour stretch and must have used up about 20 tissues.
do travel writers go to hell - an unlikely candiate for inspiration, but it was.
yakuza moon by shoko tendo - the fact that this woman is still alive, much less reflecting on her brutal life and raising a child is beyond me. i was also entranced by her stunning beauty and full body tatoos. if this woman has not committed suicide by now, i can resist dessert.
and alec klein telling me i should be a writer.
i don't know about this summer yet, but i am finally, after about six years of being miserable because of my weight, and of 19 years of poor eating habits, changing. i'm crying because i can't believe i am actually doing it. i was at the lowest of lows..i wasn't suicidal but i wished i was, i wish i had the impulse to end a life that would only cause me to be in a constant miserable state. but living a healthy lifestyle has so many benefits that i can't deny its lure. i had to do this alone, but i want to help others so bad. despite all the mean things ive done or thought, i am a good person.
maybe i'll write more later, i have so many thoughts.
:)
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| i was so right back then. language is a failure...and i still cannot describe how i am feeling, even after a semester of linguistics. how thankful i am for my xanga because it makes me not lose certain memories of feelings. i lose memories of events and feelings all the time...what is this mental block i have on myself?
i'm afraid of feelings. because if i really, truly let out what i'm feeling, (i won't be articulate) i will come to the conclusion that life isn't worth living. but what i don't understand is why i don't commit suicide. what is keeping me here?!?!?!?!? i find no intimate,sensual,personal stimulation at georgetown and i haven't really felt anything like that since before my 17th birthday. i am almost nineteen. how can a person live for so long without intimacy? in all senses of the god forsaken word. no one understands. i am living in a shell of being. i am completely devoid of ideas..and of solutions. of the willpower to create solutions. of the willpower to endure difficulties beyond my feeble comprehension in order to be loved. cared for. acknowledged.
why am i such a failure? i never used to have these many questions. i used to have interesting stories to recount...stories that somewhat entertained me. i dont even have anything that somewhat entertains me anymore. i want to cry so badly but welcome to the world of absolutely no privacy that is college.
i have a 6 page paper due in 12 hours..11 hrs and 45 minutes. and my thesis is barely coming together. ive spent days on this. why can't i just concentrate and produce something? ive wanted to write on my xanga so badly but with my new cognizant emptiness, i fear like i wont do my old entries justice or that my writing style..my thought style..has changed too much for me to bear. i guess i'm bearing agony pretty well though. i'm not failing out of college, i even got an A- in problem of god. if i get an A in french, an A- in linguistics, and a B+ in english, ill be somewhat satisfied. satsfied as in, i did the best that i could with my horrid laziness and my work ethic and my lack of college preparation. and to think i came in thinking i could get all a's-what was the big deal?
at least theres some remnants of my former self, being obsessed with grades and doing the bare minimum needed to achieve the bare minimum of successful grades. im so empty that my BRAIN is empty. i cant put this feeling into words.
no one at georgetown knows me at all. they dont know why my life matters, if it does at all. they dont get my humor. they dont get my quirks or sarcasm. they dont show an interest in me or my history at all. and im having a rough time articulating myself. according to my roommate, shes never met anyone as socially awkward as i am. shes right in some ways, but i dont extend myself to people that arent worth it. and there is just NO ONE WORTH IT here. i want to be pursued. i want to be admired. i want to be valued. i want meaning to nurture me. i want meaning to form a barricade between it and my soul. because my soul is damaged and as a last refuge, its attacking my brain. save me meaning. do i have to seek you? i've been trying..ive been fucking introspective..and yet i cant seem to find you. you are just as elusive as ever.
and while i was looking back on my xanga to try to find some inspriation to end this entry hauntingly, shit froze. but then technology came to the rescue. i think ive been deep enough, this needs to get published.
find me. im here waiting for you.
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| and i will always run to xanga in times of crisis
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| i feel so fucking official when I put (COL '11) after my name 
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