today went muchh better.

b-coffee (62) bit of ice cream cake (200)

l-coffee (62) turkey wrap (200)

d- salad (250) bread(150)

total-924.. not good. but wayyy better then the rest of this week.

i just feel frustrated..

i just binged sooooo unbelievably bad.

but i can't bring myself to purge.

i just can't do it. i just sat in the bathroom and put my fingers down my throat, gagged once, (nothing came up) and i decided i wasn't in the mood. and then i went and ate more.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

i want to lose weight so bad. being skinny is all i can think about. allll the time. why can't i do this? is there something wrong with me? maybe my body is telling me that even if i starve it i will still hate myself.

is that what it is? am i scared to actually succeed in doing something?

wow. i really need help. like there is actually something wrong with me.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was supposed to be fasting since thursday night .. and my friends gave me shit lunch on friday so i had to eat .. then when i was drunk with my friend last night i told her i was bulimic (told her everythinggg .. but shes bulimic too so it was actually kinda nice reallyy being able to talk to someone about it.. and i trust her not to say anything to anyone) and we went and ate a tonnn of wendy's ...but it was nice being able to puke without her saying anything.. and then i ate a shitload today too .. but was able to throw up about 70% of it.

well, since I FUCKED UP SO FUCKING BAD TODAY, i'm fasting tomorrow.
and drinking tomorrow night (my friends parents went out of town so her, her boyfriend, me, and my boyfriend are spending the night at her house .. i'm pretty exciteddddd.)

and then on saturday my friend is taking me to go get birth control .. (i know it makes you gain weight so i'm reallyyy going to try hard to not let that happen). so i'm almost positive i'll be able to get out of eating on saturday too. and i'm going to get out of at leasttt lunch on sunday..hopefully dinner too somehow. so fasting all weekend? definetly going to try my best.

because days like today are now unacceptable. i can do BETTER. and i will.

b - coffee (72) 2 slices of toast (one tomorrow..if any.. 130)
l- turkey wrap (200)
s- oyster crackers (150) frapp (90)
d- greek chicken wrap (480..but purged most so 170)
exercise- hour swim practice .. and harder today.

total - 812.. verryyy good.

and i dont know if my boyfriend is cheating on me.. i called his house (his phone wasn't working i guess..) and sister answered and said he was sleeping..but she could be covering for him. and he texted me before school but hasn't talked to me since about 7 .. badddd signs.

i'm kinda freakin out.