You Know You're a Band Geek When...

171. At church you march up to communion in the attention position instead of a praying position.

172. You've marched in your room, backyard, and/or driveway.

173. You've ever marched in front of a mirror to check your form.

174. You tell the incoming freshmen horror stories.

175. After the OLDER uniform, you'll never be threatened by any outfit that has more than 10 steps to get in and out of it for as long as you live.

176. You and your friends eat lunch in the band room.

177. You can scale stadium stairs with ease, but you trip on the stairs in your house.

178. You know all the footall game cheers.

179. You've been in band so long, your uniform actually fits.

180. You were a band geek for Halloween. (ahem... trombones...)

my score: 7 out of 10

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Title: "Variations on a Theme: French Horn" -- part 4 of 9
Author: Ron Koertge
Book: "What a Song Can Do"
Pub.: Knopf
Buy: www.amazon.com

I'm gifted. I've always been gifted, so everybody's used to it. I've learned to be modset. Make that careful. Where I come from, you can be special if you don't act special. Then it's live and let live. More or less. Most of the time. I'm still treated a little bit like a rare animal: whispered about, stared at, poked with a stick every now and then to see what will happen.

Our little town is just big enough for privacy, just small enough so nobody's got any real secrets. High school's got a handful of stoners, a few anarchists. They're not bad guys, and after graduation they're going to be working for the Chevrolet dealership out on the belt line or driving a truck for the city. Some of the party girls will get pregnant, then start waitressing out at The Embers, taking their teachers' orders for drinks and steaks. One or two of the FFA kids will go on to the university and major in ag econ. Most will just take over the family farm.

I play French horn and sit first chair. The kids who sit second and third play music. I'm a musician. I'm already being recruited. When people from places like the Brooklyn Conservatory show up, it's like they bring rarefied air with them. I love talking to those guys. They speak a language I understand, one I'm fluent in (even though I've rarely spoken it before).

My parents don't know what to make of this. Of me. They shrug. "Anthony, it's up to you, son. You know what's best." It's as if two zebras produced an eland. Who is this strange creature?

I practice in my room while they watch TV: "Fugue for French Horn and Seinfeld Reruns."

I love my instrument. It began as a hunting horn, and in the sixteen hundreds there were beautiful French phrases for the different kinds: the cor à plusieurs tours (horn of several turns) or le huchet (the horn with which one calls from afar).

It's a beautiful instrument with rich, sonorous tones. The perfect balance of embouchure and air is called "singing on the wind."

That's what I try for every time I perform, while I'm waiting for the wind that will come and carry me away.

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You Know You're a Band Geek When...

161. You've spent more money on reeds than on food.

162. Your most used turn-down line is, "Sorry. I've got band that night."

163. Telling someone they blow is a compliment.

164. You subdivide while talking.

165. You can identify any instrument and who it belongs to by its case.

166. You know where every single dent in your instrument came from, or...

167. There isn't a single dent in your instrument because you flip out any time it gets one, so you sprint to the repair shop right away to get it fixed. The repair guy won't care if it's 11.30 at night, right?

168. "Rushing" and "dragging" are technical terms to you.

169. You can tell time in measures.

170. Having a metronome has gotten you in trouble. Bomb scare my butt.

my score: 5 out of 10

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Currently Reading What a Song Can Do : 12 Riffs on the Power of Music By JENNIFER ARMSTRONG see related

please tell superchiefs about this site!

Title: "Variations on a Theme: Flute" -- part 3 of 9
Author: Ron Koertge
Book: "What a Song Can Do"
Pub.: Knopf
Buy: www.amazon.com

If it wasn't for Josh, I wouldn't be in the band. I joined because he joined; if he quit, I'd quit. I go to rehearsal because he's there. I practice just enough to sit fourth chair.

Guess what the big whoop is in Flute Land: Are we flutists (rhymes with "cutest"), or are we flautists (rhymes with "stoutist")? Inquiring minds want to know. I can't sleep until I find out! I'm burning up with curiosity!

Yeah, right.

I'm not a stalker or totally obsessed or certifiably nuts, but everything comes down to Josh. Flutes are big on trills, okay? Babbling-brook music. Dancing butterflies. Which always make me think of going on a picnic with Josh. By a stream. Which runs through a meadow. Or it's barefoot-goddess-running-around-with-garlands music. And then falling down all flushed in the grass with Josh dressed like a shepherd.

I think he lefts weights because he's got great arms. His muscles aren't all bunched up like some dumb jock's, but long and silky-looking. For rehearsals he wears a T-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a headband. I swear to god, I just want to lick the sweat off him.

Here's the tragic part: he's almost eighteen, which is way, way beyond my fifteen, just like some huge, gorgeous planet with fiery rings and lush vegetation is light-years away deom some little asteroid all pitted from meteors and stuff.

I have to admit, though, that sometimes when I'm playing with the band, I end up feeling better. It's like all the loneliness and the invisibleness get washed away by the music. We were working on Handels Seven Sonatas the other day and Mr. Krieder said, "Nice work, Renee. Keep it up." I really liked that. It made me feel like I wasn't just dumb old inexperienced fixated-on-Josh me, but I was a way for music to get played. Like something was playing me so that I could play it. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, it's a good feeling. Probably not as good as being wrapped in Josh's arms, but pretty darn good.

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161.  You are now able to fall asleep at any time in any place, because the opportunities are so few and far between that you have to take advantage of them when they're there.

162.  When a teacher yells at you for talking during class, it's usually because you were talking about band.

163.  You can change into your uniform outside in the rain in two minutes flat without getting anything wet other than directly from the sky.

164.  You can walk up to anyone in band and fix any part of their uniform without doing anything other than giving them your instrument and saying, "Hold this."

165.  You call your band director "Dad" by accident.

166.  He responds.

167.  You get bored in class, so you pick random people who aren't in band and decide what they would play based on their personalities.

168.  If you have already graduated, you know you're a band geek when your stomach jumps at 7:00 every Friday night.

169.  Tuning out the trumpets is second-nature to you.

170.  All the DVDs you own are band related.

my score: 6 out of 10

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