supercym's Xanga

Update for you.

Sat, 22 Mar 2008 02:38:18 GMT

Hello again. Well, I have long since returned from my Midwest tour, obviously. It was a lot of fun. I was surprised to have so much fun with a bunch of people I'd only known a month and a half. I got to know a few people a lot better, and gained new friendships. Yay! All of our performances went well. We started in lots of snow and sub-zero temperatures in Sioux City, Iowa. Then we went to Lincoln, Nebraska, which had a lot of old buildings and is the state capitol. I bought a hat and dress from a vintage store for great prices there, and also finally got the music book for "Ragtime" the musical. We finished up in Overland Park, Kansas, where it snowed after one of our performances (but mostly didn't stay till morning). It was very cool, though, and we built a very fine snowman. I got sick the second day of tour, of course, but filled up on plenty of medication and was able to sing every performance, though it didn't always sound that great. We did three Mikado performances and two Gondoliers, which is much more fun to act in. It paid well, too, and it's always exciting to get paid to do what you love. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay with the company, but after this tour I think I will. The season's only a few months out of the year anyway, and I am truly enjoying it.
I got another job, at a studio in Upland. There's not as many students yet, but they're trying to get more for me. It's much smaller, and the pianos aren't in very good quality, but I am enjoying teaching the students and it's a lot closer to home. I got this job the week after my last day on the job in Aliso Viejo. God is good, indeed.
Well, that's all I have to say right now. Just updating. Hope to hear from you all in the near future.

A weekend of adventure

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 20:36:53 GMT

I know no one will read this, but I think I should write anyway. I went to Napa Valley this weekend to perform "The Mikado" with Opera a la Carte. It was an adventure getting there. We only had one car, and Josh needed to take it to school and couldn't drop me off anywhere, so I packed my small rolling suitcase and small backpack and walked the mile or so to the train station. I must have looked pretty funny. I got there, bought my ticket for the Metrolink to Union Station and sat for 45 minutes, having nothing to do but eat Sunchips. Randomly, a teenage girl came over to ask me the time, then started telling me her whole life story. It was interesting. She's still in high school, but was obviously not in school because she was going to go break up with her older boyfriend in LA who she found out had lied to her. She had had a baby at 14, which she was raising, and whose father was also much older. I think she wanted someone to talk to. I just listened. She stopped when we got on the train. I wanted so much to tell her about Jesus, but didn't know where to start and then there wasn't time. Anyway, I took the train to Union Station, which I had never been to and which is pretty darn cool, I must say. I had chili and Naked Juice as I waited for Michael, who is in the company also and got me the audition, and his daughter Kelsey to arrive from Riverside on a different train. When they got there, we took the Red line (Subway) to North Hollywood. (I had never been on a subway). Then we climbed up like three stories out of the ground and met Rustin, who is also in the company, with whom we then drove for 6 hours to the hotel.
The hotel was called the Gaia Napa Valley Hotel. It was built a year ago and is a "green hotel." They didn't wash your sheets or replace your towels unless you indicated you wanted them to, so as not to waste water. They showed what their CO2 emissions, water and electricity usage were at all times. They used biodegradable "plastic" silverware and take-out containers for the restaurant, made out of corn or something. They had Al Gore's book An Inconvenient Truth on the table. It was indeed interesting, but a nice hotel. Kelsey and I worked out three of the four days we were there, which is more than I do ever. We drove up the valley and stopped and wineries and burger stands and had much fun in pretty country. We performed three times. It went pretty well - except for our director yelling at the audience members who had been let in early before we finished our sound-check the first night. He's a little temperamental. Anyway, on Monday we drove home to LA. Rustin dropped us off at Union Station and we took our separate trains home. This time, Josh picked me up from the station, though. Later that night we went to Scott's parents' house and were transferred ownership of his old car. So now we have two cars. Very helpful indeed.
Yesterday I found out something interesting. Lifetime Performing Arts Academy, where I teach voice in Aliso Viejo, could not work out a leasing agreement at the beginning of the month, and must close their doors on February 29th. I will be out of a job. Thankfully, I have two others, but I am going to need more. Maybe another studio will hire me. It is interesting because I'm not freaking out. After this next tour to the Midwest, Opera a la Carte won't have as many rehearsals or performances and no more tours, and I was thinking of trying to audition for other shows, but wouldn't have been able to do it with the teaching job. Now I can, if I can find auditions. So it's not a total loss, except that was my one steady income, especially for summer. But it was far away. Hopefully I can stay closer to home. I'm tired of driving. Well, that's all I have to say.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 21:19:15 GMT

Looks like everybody else is also too busy to read anything. Hmm.

Oh the busyness of me...

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 16:31:40 GMT

This week I played my first shows all by myself. On Friday I played piano for four composition workshops and on Monday I played for three The Night Harry Stopped Smoking 's. The composition shows are short programs put on by elementary school kids. I accompany them with a pre-written track that they have put words and a melody to (which they also perform as a drama). The teacher and another singer then perform a musical theater piece (Friday doing I Feel Pretty and Stepsister's Lament). The Night Harry Stopped Smoking is a short show performed by adults for children on the dangers of smoking. It's pretty goofy. Anyway, I was really scared, but the more I played, the easier it got. I did pretty well, considering. There were no major disasters anyway. I have one more show to learn, which I have to have pretty close to down by Monday, and which is a bit trickier than the others, so I'm scared again. But hopefully if I practice every day like I should, I will make it. The one thing I don't particularly like about this job is that I have to drive all over L.A. and I hate driving, especially in L.A. Now that's scary. But that's where they are, so that's where I go. I also started rehearsals for The Mikado and The Gondoliers by Gilbert and Sullivan with Opera a la Carte. Those are in Pasadena. It's going to be interesting because once we block a scene and go over it once there's no going back. We only rehearse three days a week, we're learning two shows, and our first performances are the second week of February, so I hope I can get both the music and the blocking memorized in time to perform well. On top of that, I'm still teaching in Aliso Viejo, where I had to shorten my hours on Wednesday because I have to drive to Pasadena after work, which makes it hard to justify driving all the way down there twice a week. But I know that when summer comes, that may be my only source of income for a while, so I might as well keep it through summer. All in all, for someone who seriously dislikes driving, I sure am doing a lot of it. I tell myself it will be worth it, but it's really tough when I look at my gas tank. Driving Josh to and from school and his job in Inglewood on Sundays doesn't help either. But this is what I have, so I pray that the gas will stretch, and so will my bank account, until it is worth the drive.

Here I Am!

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 15:51:56 GMT

Hello! I know, long time no speak, but here I am again. I didn't write mostly because I was being lazy on this winter break. I also had no access to internet for a while. Anyway, here's the biggest things that have happened: Josh's car blew a head gasket and we haven't been able to get a loan or credit card thus far to pay for it, so we only have one car right now. I'm taking him to school so I can drive to work later in the day. It's going to be interesting until we have two cars again; if anyone can give Josh a ride home from school, I'm sure he'd appreciate it. We would appreciate your prayers for this. There has been little income over the break, and it won't pick up very much for a while. We also don't yet have the money for rent, which, of course, has to come first. But there are some good things. We now have internet and cable (it was cheaper to get both than just internet - weird, huh?) Josh played a few Christmas gigs and one on New Year's Eve. Corinne and I went to Eli's new year's party. I've been going to the church that Corinne, the Arons, and Kyle Padilla go to, which is much better than the no church thing I had been doing (working on Sundays and Wednesdays). I've played a lot of games recently, which is better than watching T.V. I started and finished a book. I started working on one of my plays, and wrote a little bit of music. So I guess that's about it. What's your vacation been like?

Mawig is what bwings us togetha today...

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 18:52:48 GMT

So I have been happily married for a whole two weeks (and two days). It has been much fun so far. I was just reflecting on the past four years and the journeys God has brought Josh and me on over that time. We are different people now then when we met - better people I think, because we have grown. Now was the right time to get married. Although weve been together for four and a half years, and engaged for three and a half, we weren't truly ready until now. God is so very good, and if we listen to Him, things will always fall the right direction at the right time. Reflecting, I am just amazed at where He has brought me, and where He has brought Josh. We are excited for the future, because we finally have ideas of where the Lord is calling us and therefore have purpose and drive. He has provided what we need thus far, above our expectations, and so we will trust Him with the rest, and be able to rest.

Thank you to all who came to the wedding to support us! I love you all very much. Please continue to lift us up in prayer, that we will love and respect each other, and that we will always follow God's leading in everything. And please don't hestitate to ask either of us for prayer. We want to lift our friends up to the Lord as well.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 19:11:32 GMT

THREE AND A HALF DAYS!!!!! yeah, that's all I really have to say. =)

Closer...

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 19:03:16 GMT

So the wedding is getting closer and closer. It is now less than two weeks away. Every time I talk to someone, they ask me if I am freaking out yet. No, not yet. I'm actually quite ready for it to be done with, so I can move on to stressing about other things. I actually feel ready. I mean, I've been planning this thing for over three years, so it hasn't really snuck up on me. I think I am ready to be married. And excited. I may freak out a little the day before or something, but I'm sure I'll get over it.

In other news, I'm really busy. Work is becoming longer. I worked 11 hours on Friday, and 10 on Sunday. Friday was dinner outside for the community, and a banquet inside, which we all had to stay and help on. Sunday we got a much larger number of students than expected and ran out of food. Cooking a bunch more kept me from doing what I needed to do for prep, so we stayed later. Then the one chef who was there left without telling me and the two other girls in the salad area, so we had to stay and finish up everything by ourselves, which took longer. Add that to very few, and very inexperienced, students, you get one stressful day - not the restful Sunday it is supposed to be. Anyway, so goes life. I don't think I will even be able to work there next semester with my new schedule for other stuff, so it's just for a time. Money is important.

Oh, I finished the Harry Potter series last night. It was good, really good. The last book is very intense, and has like five climax points. It will be a long movie (hopefully, if they do it right), but definitely a good one. Now I have nothing to read. Maybe I will write a bit instead, before I pick up another book obsession.

I ask that you please pray for Josh and I as we continue to prepare not only for the wedding, but for married life together. Thanks!

It's all good.

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 19:13:43 GMT

I'm doing okay. Busy though. I'm now working in the cafeteria (salad area actually) at APU again...a lot. I've worked 9 days in a row now, including my teaching job. I'm only on suplemental pay right now so I can make a decision whether I want to actually be hired or not. I was waiting to see about a couple of teaching jobs, but those didn't work out, so I guess it's the kitchen for me. The problem is that they want me to work 30-40 hours, and though it's technically possible, having another job makes it difficult, and it really takes a toll on my body, particularly knees and feet, to work eight hours on my feet, especially day after day. I also no longer have time to go down to Riverside and teach the couple students I have there, or see my family, or see Josh for that matter, or to make sure all wedding details are taken care of. It's coming up really fast, which is why I think I need this job. I definitely need the money, and I get free meals, which saves money. So what to do? I think I will talk to the managers and ask if they would still hire me if I have to work a few less hours. I can 6-hour shifts. I need at least a little time on the weekend for lessons and planning. I also have to ask if they're still keen to hire me when I need to take a week off for the wedding and all that. I know it's a good thing, but I don't want to go to work there all the time. Oh well, life calls for sacrifice. Maybe I can ask for one day of the weekend off.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 02:58:12 GMT

I'm pretty sure everyone is too busy to read this, so I'll just say what's on my mind. I have been feeling very down and discouraged lately. I suppose you could say depressed, although I am not gloomy when I am teaching. I don't know why exactly. I just finished reading The Sacred Romance by John Eldredge and Brent Curtis. I have a feeling the Enemy is shooting at me to make me forget what I learned there, but I don't have the strength or the will to think about it like that and fight back. The things I love always seem to be ruined for me by my own competitive spirit, my need to be the best, or at least one of the best. I must not fail; and when I do, even in a small way, it all comes crashing down on me...like the stone that begins an avalanche. When I judge myself by other people I always come up short in the balance, and then I get discouraged and think I can't do it and there's no point and why am I even trying. I have tried not to judge myself by others' abilities, and yet I can never hold that resolution for long. Sooner or later it happens, then discouragement sets in, then depression, then apathy. When I think this way, I end up not being able to perform even as well as I had been doing, which only furthers the feeling and it becomes a vicious cycle. Then when somebody says or does anything that insinuates that I'm not all I could be or should be, or I'm not good enough in some way, even unintentionally, I cry and I hurt and I can't smile. I pull away from contact, hoping to become invisible, and therefore lessen painful encounters and rejections. The funny thing is, when I think about it, nothing big has happened. Nobody has purposely slighted me, betrayed me, or rejected me in an obvious way. But I become so scared of showing who I am that I decide it's better to hide, to not let anyone get to know me, especially the me that's not always happy or lovable. Someone once said that it is our deepest desire and greatest fear to be known for who we are, and I think that's true. I long to not be afraid to show people what's inside of me, or to try things that I might fail at, but I fear so much being exposed as a failure or having people truly see me and despise what they see, that I'd rather not.

I was doing well, but this week it feels like I suddenly crashed. Maybe it's because I'm tired. The extra dancing I have been doing seems to be truly taking a toll on my body. Maybe it's because I have been learning about the Great Story that God has both written and put Himself into to reclaim me as His beloved, and about the arrows the Enemy has shot into my heart over my lifetime, and now he attacks. Or perhaps God is working to show me those arrows I carry with me that define me thoughts and behavior patterns. Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up and last year was such a disappointment. I'm afraid of feeling again like I don't really matter to people, that I'm not worth their time. I feel that way so often of late, but it's brought home when nobody replies to anything you try to do special. So I think, "Why even try? Why face that disappointment when you could just spend that time with the one person you know wants to spend it with you?" Josh is the only one that I know for sure would always want to hang out with me, would always make time, who I know loves me for who I am, despite my faults. So why should I try to make or keep friends, if they're just going to disappear from my life eventually? If I can't seem to make a difference in their lives?

I feel so useless. Sure, I teach a few students voice and music, but there are others that could take my place and do it better. Other than that job, I don't feel like I'm doing anything that is of eternal significance, or even of long-term significance. Why am I dancing when I know I'll never be good enough to do anything with it? Why do I take the time? There's no place for me to sing, and now my voice sounds hoarse from talking too much and singing too little. What if that dream is taken from me as well? What is my purpose and how do I get there? When will I feel like Josh and I are not alone on this journey, that I am not alone? I know that God sustains me and provides for me. I know He's there. I just wish I could allow myself to trust that other people are there as well. But they have their own lives to live, why should I impose my own insignificant existence on them and expect them to set aside their own for me? I'm not worth it. That is the conclusion my heart comes to. I strain against it, but still that thought echoes inside me. Oh yes, I know I'm I am of worth to God, and to Josh, but to anyone else, I feel I am a burden, even my own family at times. And so I walk invisible, treading lightly, wallowing in my own self-pity, and yet seeing no way out of it. There is too much risk.

I don't hope anyone reads this, for it has only been my thoughts put into words, and a sorry lot at that. I'm sorry for being so depressing. I had to say it somewhere.