hrm..
i doubt anyone goes on this thing anymore to actually read my entries..
john paul was talking about xanga and he said he read all of his entries from the very beginning. he said it was great and that he remembers all the good times.
now that i think of it.. i think my freshman year was the absolute best year of my whole fucking life.
it makes me feel like shit to think that i have nothing to live for right now.
my friends are all totally awesome people. i love them more than anything.. but sometimes i want something more than just friends and to be honest, i havent found that 'something' since my freshman year.
josh, he means soo much to me. i care soo much about him. ever since the very beginning he has always been inside my thoughts. but its hard because i cant read him, he is so hard to understand and it seems as if he cant make up his mind.
im posting this on the internet and i know that anyone can just come and see it and know all about my personal problems, but at this point i dont even care already.
i think he said he hates himself.. heh.. and what?! does he think i absolutely loooove myself!?!? HELL NO! not even close.
speaking of really weird guys who cant make up their minds.. thomas comes into my thoughts. he calls me, asks me to hang out. i think, okay, maybe he wants to be friends. that would be great! only because i hate grudges with people ive had a relationship with.
yes, i admit it.. i had a relationship with him. "HAD!"
hrmm.. i remember all those times that i told him "us" may not be such a good idea. so we say good bye and.. oh my, korean drama strikes again. to be completely honest, i miss it! yes i do, but only because i feel like my life is crap and i need something to spice it up.
well guess what.. this little incident i am about to write happened quite recently. he called me again and again and again and.. again! i didnt really mind because, hey, i thought he wanted to be friends. right? no.
so anyways, he tells me he is a little confused about something and that he needs my help. he needs to know why or how he got so close to me because he has always had trust issues?
hrm.. he says something that makes it sound as if i help him out just this one time, he will never ever ever ever... EVER request to have any sort of contact with me again.
with me seemly wanting to be friends again, that little remark sounded as if it were the perfect life for me. so i obviously jump at the oppourtunity, call him and make plans.
well getting back to that little reason why thomas is one of those "really weird guys who cant make up their mind" kind of person is because during that brief phone call, i asked him if he was busy. he, of course, says no. so i ask him if he can meet me at pearl ridge mall. he replies with a "you might have to wait a while."
by this time im thinking okay nevermind then, im in no hurry to see you.
so i ask him how long is a while? he says a little more than you want to wait. so finally i say okay maybe next time then. (i definately dont want to wait for you.)
whoa whoa.. he comes back with a "are you sure? im leaving my friends house soon." so i ask him.. okay.. where does your friend live. (so maybe i can estimate approximately how long it will take.)
hrm.. he says close by. im thinking okay close by pearl ridge.
so.. im going to wait a while, but hes leaving his friends house now. his friend lives close by pearl ridge, but its going to take him a long time to get here.
hrmm... im sorry.. i dont understand.
well ill skip over the whole hour of waiting and ill skip over the two hours of sitting on a bench with him hardly saying anything.
anyways, at the very end he starts texting something on his phone. im wondering what it is.. so he puts his phone to his ear, maybe hes going to make a call now.
he stands up, shuts his phone and starts walking away. thomas didnt even look back when waved and he said "laters."
not long after i get a text message. the first words i read are. "im done with you."
perfect...
it was weird, i felt this calming, quiet, sensation completely overwhelm me. it was the absolute perfect ending to any sort of "korean drama."
well after that incident i really needed a pick me up. so i made it a point to have the perfect beginning.
at where? the only perfect place; pipeline cafe.
the band is playing and im getting in the mood to put my little plan into action!
well that shit actually ends up being better than i had planned.
although i come to find that i really dont have much in common with derek.
but hey, i wasnt really looking for a boyfriend right then and there.
so it really was a "perfect beginning." i dont think there will even be an ending but who knows?
oh on this past saturday i went to the mall after i had PSATs and i was looking in that store honolua? or whatever. its where demo used to be.
well anyways back to the story.. i was looking for my friends bday presents and this haole guy keeps staring at me. he looks maybe about 22/23 years old. i dunno. so i look up and smile at him. i mean what else can i do when someone is staring at me!? he smiles and turns around, like dead in his tracks.
ohhh shit.. im thinking to myself.. hes going to come up and talk to me. i gotta get outta here but then again.. hes standing right at the entrance. ha.. ha.. im trapped.
okay so he starts walking towards me and says excuse me whats your name? so i look at him and start to debate with myself whether or not i should tell him my real name or jsut ask him, why do you want to know?
so i finally just say juli, and he asks me how old i am. i sarcastically say "SIXTEEN!" (thinking to myself, way too young for you buddy.)
this part was super freaky: he looked at me dead in the eye and said, "juli, you are so beautiful."
my heart drop to the ground in shock. no dude has ever said i was beautiful.. it was more like, oh youre so hot, or hey sexy.. blah blah..
but never beautiful.. it felt pretty damn good! haha..
i shook his hand and he told me i was beautiful again and he said i hope you have a very nice day.
that was my saturday highlight.
i want to go to ice palace, hawaiian brians and pick up some asian dudes again.
haha.. even though it wouldnt mean anything anyways..
good times..
now im much happier. this was a really long entry. it was good to vent.
and for the people who really do go on xanga still who really read all of this. major props.
i love.. | 
