It's been a while since I last wrote but things sort of go nuts around the house on good days, n well...we havent exactly had too many good days since Shel died. Yet i have felt like a new person since the forth of July. I havent gone out really since my brother died and now i sort of gave up on him coming home...you just always hold onto what you have left when everything you love starts to fade...i guess the key is to keep your head up and let yourself be all that you have. Because you can't loose yourself, n if you do...nothing really matters after that anyway. on a brighter note, i finally am turing 16...a couple weeks n i'll be getting my permit. Ha just another reason to run away...it's sort of funny though, i was talkin to my friend tonight n i was explining im not the princess type, im not for thoes sweet innocent guys, n he asked me who i was for, i guess i never thought about it, but i'm not really for anyone, i'm for my friends n family n thats all...i'm ganna be a lonley ol' lady with lots of cats LOL, too bad im allergic to cats 

I don’t know what to do with my life anymore,

I cant lift my legs they remain too sore.

My heart is lost, and love means nothing,

Because I foolishly held on and lost my biggest something.

I can’t question where he’s gone,

I know he wont be back,

And reality hits me again, another bitter slap.

I cant breathe im gasping for air,And I don’t know why I try, because I honestly don’t care.

If this breath is forever my last,

 I’ll tell you to rely on your self,

Because who you did might get lost in the past.

I tare away from every tear I cry, and I wish it was me…Why did he die.

 Now that he has more have died,

Me, for one, has died inside…My pain lingers in the air in my clothes,

And I stay hidden for I can’t stand for it to show.

What the hell, how can this be right.

I heard his laughter, I saw him JUST the other night…

How could I loose this battle, when there never was a fight.

I lost all that I had, nothing worth me seeing is in sight. I want to scream!

Let out what now boils,

And my deep resentment inside is just being to unfoil.

I see such pain and I know ever abuse,

But God why let this happen. HOW can I be of use.How can I help, and explain that it hurts,

A million pages of my heart and even that is too kurt.

This is my mind I’m loosing! Damn its obsurd.

(yeling) Why did you take him,

why didn’t you take me,

I have nothing left to give, damnit god what do you see.

I saw his blood I saw the stained rug…

No other sight could burn my eyes, it stung!

Tear me apart take all that is killing me,

(wimper) god I have nothing left to give, why didn’t you let him be.

He kept me alive, do you want to take us both?

I swore to live for you, I did all I could to devote…

Heh, you but can brush me aside all you that read…

Because it’s just words right, another painful note.

What can you take, is there anymore that I have,

Go ahead I don’t need it…it’s all up for grabs…

I’ve endured all the pain I could, hey…whats another stab?

(calm) just hear me out Lord…

I gave you my life, and I gave more then I could afford..

You hold ever right, but why’d you take another,

God it wasn’t just a life, damnit it was my twin, my brother…

Now I am dieing…I bit of me each day…

And I wish for my soul to be saved, because I can’t live much longer this way…

He couldn’t stay…

I’ll try to understand, but besides my two fathers…

I knew one other man…

I know you are the one who hold all of our plans..

Just help me God, because I need to understand.

I swear my brother was the only one who really and truely understood me, and was so much like me. I just want to ask why he left me with so many dumb fucking people. I mean i love my friends, and not everyone can be offended by this but honestly what the hell is wrong with people now a days? And everyone pretty much knows my dad use to be a pastor and they look at my family as if we are nuts so its all just ties into me saying. How the hell is god ganna take one of the most important people to me. And i see some of my guy friends who i adore so much go out with trashy girls who aren't worth shit. I know i grew up being taught by my siblings and my brother was prety much my father, and he taught me to never rely on anyone, trust only urself and you wont be disapointed. For the christians out there, my dad use to tell me when something real bad happened that it wouldnt happen if God didnt think that we could deal with it. Well no need to go into it, but i've gone through a few majorly bad things in my life and...i dont think i can be as strong as Shel said i was. Not without him anyway.