suspendedparadox's Xanga

Everything that was/is...

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:26:49 GMT

Ever feel like you could just sit down and cry yourself to sleep? That's how I feel. I feel that way a lot lately. Oddly enough I'm not sad. I hurt, but I'm not sad. I'm hopeful..optimistic. In light of everything that was/is....

This place that I am in.. they call it wilderness. It's where you end up after you've gone astray and wandered into darkness. The funny thing about going astray...is that it is always fun at first. Curiosity is an amazing thing. At first we crave the newness, the mystery, the unknown. We convince ourselves that life is perhaps...greener on the other side. But the sun always goes down. It always gets dark. Always. People come and go. Times change. Everything that was/is - goes away. After a time you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. Completely silence and there is no one around. Nothing but darkness on every side. Men..we tend to be prideful. We tend to think we can overcome and fix everything on our own. So that's what we do. We run through the trees and look for a way out. We tell ourselves that we've just gotten a little lost... when we have no idea just how lost we truly are.

Lost, cold, and alone.

I'll be the first to admit that I wish there was something more to this. I wish that the grass had been greener on the other side. I wish that it wasn't so dark here, so cold. Darkness is bearable.. for a time.

I said all of that to say that in life we do what we can to find our own way. People can attempt to guide us, educated us, minister to us... but eventually we wander off to figure it out on our own. It's how we discover ourselves. It's how we grow perhaps. Yet and still - darkness is bearable.. but for a time.

The funny thing about remembering the light is that it also makes you remember darkness. Walking towards anything always prompts you to turn around and think about the place from which you can. Perhaps it would have been different if... Maybe if I give it one more try... Maybe it will be different with me. Darkness is bearable... but for a time.. and eventually we crave the light.

Joel 2:12 Therefore also now, saith the LORD, turn ye even to me with all your heart, and with fasting, and with weeping, and with mourning: And rend your heart, and not your garments, and turn unto the LORD your God: for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and of great kindness, and repenteth him of the evil.

Hosea 3:5 Afterward shall the children of Israel return, and seek the LORD their God, and David their king; and shall fear the LORD and his goodness in the latter days.

Zephaniah 3:17 The LORD thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Always

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 02:06:29 GMT

You know I’ve had some lonely days. I’ve made mistakes and had to pay. I’ve had some friends that walked away...Just like mama told me. But there’s someone whose love is real, who cares about the way I feel. Every pain, and erase every stain. There’s peace when I call out your name.

No one can touch my heart like You. Or make me smile the way You do. I finally found someone who really, truly loves me. And when my strength has come and gone, your life in me it makes me strong. Your hand is where my heart belongs. You take all my pain and erased every stain.

Jesus, my whole life has changed - since that day I cried Your name. For every time You’ve brought me through, I promise You - I’ll spend my always with You.

Good Intentions...

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 04:16:09 GMT

Good intentions go far, but not far enough. Sometimes it is just best to trust your instinct. Listen to that little voice inside.

Dear God...

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 21:30:21 GMT

I'd almost dare to ask you if you still hear me. But that's a stupid question. Of course you do. I know you hear me, because I can still hear you. Even after all of this time. And it has been a very, very long time. I wake up every day in this empty house and realize that this had to be your doing. I changed my phone number and moved across town. Only a few people actually know where I live or how to get in contact with me. Does the word "wilderness" ring a bell? I thought so.

I'm tired. Tired of the way things are..the way things were. I keep waiting for things to change, but I know that takes time. We've been gone so long. Coming how is so.. strange. Comforting but strange.

Most days when I'm alone, driving in my car, I listen to the songs of old and remember days long past. Many times I cry and just hope that the people in the other cars don't notice. Honestly I don't even care that much. I'm just doing what I have to do for me. And I haven't cried in a long time before now, so I guess that I'm just catching up.

More than anything lately, I'm just glad that I survived. I'm glad that I made it this far. It could have been, should have been so different. It's funny how you are so much more real to me now than you've ever been. Maybe you meant for it to be this way. We all gave it our best shot. We we venturing out into the world - looking for answers, trying to find our own way. Trying to find love, comfort, something. It's part of our humanity I guess. We want to believe that the grass is greener on the other side. It's not. I know that now. Perhaps it will slip past me again and I'll need yet another reminder. But for now... I can see clearly.

I don't really know where to go from here. Not sure what I am supposed to be doing or where I am supposed to going but I'm giving it my best shot. Thanks for remembering me...and never letting me forget you.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Sun, 21 Oct 2007 08:07:44 GMT

I've been gone so so long. It feels good to be home. Starting now... starting over...

Sad Times... Very Sad Times

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 00:16:06 GMT

My entire family is home. That means that their is either a family reunion or a funeral right around the corner. Based on the subject of this blog - I am sure you can guess which one it is. My aunt found out that she had colon and liver cancer sometime last summer. She went back in the hospital this past week. They called the family in to tell us that there was nothing else they could do for her other than to make her comfortable. It's only a matter of time.

I think the part of this that hurts the most is know that she's still here and getting ready to leave this world sometime soon. I hate it that there's not a damned thing I can do about any of it. Nothing I can do to keep her alive. Nothing I can do to stop the wave of pain and sadness that will soon be over my entire family.

I hate crying.

I hate this entire situation. It hurts so much and I am so depressed. I just keep trying to find other things to do... other places to be. But reality is often so hard to escape. I hate asking the question 'Why'. I just want to get away for a while. Scatter....

This sucks....

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 20:24:36 GMT

It's funny.. the things that this world and this life can take away from you. Sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder if I can actually recognize the person that's looking back at me. So much has changed. How did we get here? Isn't it funny how life comes around. We build entire worlds and then allow people to walk into our lives and reduce them to ruins.

I am so tired of people drifting in and out of my life. Tired of seeing the my entire social world, my entire life rearranged and distorted at the coming and going of other people. I've been trying to give humanity a change, trying to play my part... trying to be apart of something greater.

The only thing that I really make progress with is my work. It's the only thing that seems to constantly move forward, regardless of all the other things that change in this world. It's where I find my happiness, my peace. Sure, I'd like to find it somewhere else. In humanity perhaps, but I've come to realize that it's not offered there. Not offered here.

Am I to believe that the sick have overcome? Am I too believe that my freedom has become. Cause I have felt the cold rain run down my face. I've seen the sun rise up as the night turns to day....

I wanted to believe in so much. Wanted to believe in this world. But here I am again... in the White Hot Room. And all I want.. is for this world.. to burn.

All things have their end...

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 05:49:07 GMT

..and today, once again - we sing the endsong. Can't believe this is happening all over again.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 02:27:37 GMT

Ever had so much to say, but no words to say it.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 16:23:16 GMT

It's been said that time heals all wounds. I don't know if time really heals anything. But sometimes it makes things a lot easier than they used to be. Something has changed. I don't even know what it is but the whole world feels different. I'm not even sure what that means. I just have a feeling that no matter what happens, everything is going to be ok. Life has a way of working out sometimes.

I don't talk about it much, but the real reason I work all the time is because I want to protect everyone else from me. Mentally I'm as unstable as they get. I have my good days, but when I have my bad days they are really bad. Sometimes I snap and people walk out of my life and never come back. I have a long and growing list of people that has happened to. The only two people to ever stick around long enough to see beyond all that are Tonya and Jason. I don't guess anything like that is easy. But love is interesting. It has a way of being able to sustain people through some of the greatest hardships they'll ever know. I've cause my share of damage to people's lives. I don't want to hurt anyone else. So I stay away from everyone.

For a long time I just got used to being alone. I kept trying to build relationships and friendships with people and they would always flop. I know I talk about how much I hate Mitchell, Chris, and even Steven sometimes. Truth is that they were all good people. I was the problem. I tend to be that way. It's just my cup of tea in this life. I think I am finally starting to understand that. I need to stop expecting people to be able to deal with me the way I am. It's like taking care of a sick person, and that's not easy to do... no matter how much you love someone. I used to tell my doctor that I live in constant fear that one day bipolar will end up killing me. I used to be afraid that one day I would just cease to exist.

Life is better these days. But not perfect. I feel like I need to fade.. but I'm going to gather my pieces and try again. Burning White Hot.