Friday, July 18, 2008

  • Big Bang

    big bang

    I was never one of those people that was good at being myself, let alone being in a relationship. Things would be really great for a little while and then they would somehow end with a big bang. I would always blame it on the guy being… the wrong guy for me.

    It’s not always like that. It’s not always the guy’s fault. There was one time in particular that it really was my fault. It was all my fault. It’s almost been a year since all of that. The big bang of summer 2007. I doubt I will ever forget what happened that summer.

    I always hate when people say, “Every end is a new beginning.” You know the people I’m talking about the ones that spout off cliché phrases because they think it’ll make you feel better. While, I don’t completely agree with that statement, I do think there is something to be said for every end becoming a catalyst to learn more about who we are.

    Every time a relationship (romantic or otherwise) ends, we’re forced to look at ourselves, it’s human nature… to say, “What did I do wrong?”. So, while I’ll never forget the big bang of summer 2007; it won’t be because of the heartache, but because of what I learned about myself and who I am.

    It’s taken me a while to be grateful for what I have learned and to learn to see past the heartache that is still there but not nearly as loud. I am grateful for what happened, for realizing that it was my fault, for knowing that it really is ok to be who I am, and for understanding that sometimes… no matter how much I wish it could an, “I’m sorry.” doesn’t fix everything.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

  • Miles To Go Before I Sleep

    green

    When I was growing up, I never wanted to have kids of my own… I never wanted to be someone’s mother. As I got older I realized that it was the only thing I wanted. To create this little person that was mine, and my responsibility. Someone to carry on my legacy, when I couldn’t anymore. Someone to love me even if I made them eat broccoli.

    I never got that chance, and I never will. Its heartbreaking to realize that really the only thing you want in life, you can’t have it. That God just presses the button that says… no.

    I suppose when you get older or when you’re facing death the way you look at things changes drastically. You want to believe that there is something after death, that it all does make sense for a reason. That there is someone bigger than you, bigger than all of us. That death isn’t random. That life isn’t random.

    Suddenly, before you know it, life becomes one long walk to a place that everyone goes but no one ever comes back. To a place where pain and agony don’t exist. To a place where life is always what you thought it could be.

    “We each owe a death - there are no exceptions - but sometimes, oh God, the Green Mile seems so long.”- The Green Mile

    Sometimes, the walk seems to take forever. It’s no doubt the saddest walk of your life. To say goodbye to the people you love. To always have that elephant in the room, that everyone knows is there but never acknowledges. The walk doesn’t always have to be so sad. It can be the most life changing walk of your life. Where you learn the most about yourself and those around you. That you see life for what it is.

    Whose woods these are I think I know.
    His house is in the village though;
    He will not see me stopping here
    To watch his woods fill up with snow.

    My little horse must think it queer
    To stop without a farmhouse near
    Between the woods and frozen lake
    The darkest evening of the year.

    He gives his harness bells a shake
    To ask if there is some mistake.
    The only other sound's the sweep
    Of easy wind and downy flake.

    The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
    But I have promises to keep,
    And miles to go before I sleep,
    And miles to go before I sleep.

    -Robert Frost

  • Last Forever

    yellow

    I wish that I knew the keeper of time better than just by the hands on a clock. I would ask him for the thing that he holds so dear. The thing I am beginning to hold so dear… time. Just time.

    Truth is, if I could make this last forever... I would. Hands down. But I can’t, and this is it... and it’s fading. It’s going. So what do we do? How do we make it last longer? Can we even do that? Is it even possible? I wish that I knew the answers to these questions so I wouldn’t have to ask them. So we wouldn’t have to think about it and we could both have what we wanted, which is… time.

    I suppose there are some that would say, be happy for what you have and not long for the things that you don’t. But, how does all of that become something that is ok to tolerate? How do we look at this situation and say that it’s ok? I do know the answer to that; the answer is very simple… it’s love.

    Love makes it ok. It’s loving someone enough to realize that even if it doesn’t last forever… the love does.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

  • No One

    09

    I always thought every time a relationship ended, that no one was ever going to love him the way I did. That somehow, it wouldn’t be the same, it wouldn’t be as good. Every time, I would tell myself the same thing… “she’s not gonna love him as much as I did”.

    I always thought all the holes in my heart created by lost relationships would never heal no matter how much time passed. That I could be loved a million times more by someone else but it wouldn’t fill the gap where his love used to be.

    I’ve since learned that time does heal… most wounds. I discovered that the love I have for the more important people in my life, even if the relationship ends; the love doesn’t. So, while years may pass and memories will fade too… no one will ever love you like I do.

  • Magic

    magic  

    Magic is… “the art of producing illusions as entertainment” says the dictionary. I wouldn’t say I agree with that. Magic doesn’t have to be an illusion. Magic can come in all forms. Can’t it?

    When we’re kids, magic is second nature. We want to believe in something whimsical and amazing. After a while, the magic of childhood wears off and we wish to be more grown up… well maybe grown ups wish for their magic back… so they can be kids again.

    Magical memories keep childhood alive in all of us. Wanting to be a super hero, a ghost buster, or an astronaut. Some of people find their own ways to seek out their magical dreams.

    03 10 12

    I think we’ve all got a little magic in us, otherwise where would imagination come from? Where would dreams come from? So, to the dictionary that says magic is the art of producing illusions… I say; magic is the fundamental building block to every happy moment and every smile shared.