Currently Listening Wet from Birth By The Faint see related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ejagGzmIQI&mode=related&search=

WATCH THAT MUSIC VIDEO!  It's the best fan-made video I've ever seen, and the song is badass too.  I love The Faint.

My grandpa is in the hospital.  My mom and stepdad are back in Blackwell with him while I'm stuck in Wichita.  I'm worried.  I don't want him to die.

Actually, I dunno.  I've never been particularly close to my grandparents.  I've always been somewhat withdrawn from them.  They are perpetual strangers to me, and although I want to get to know them better because they are my family, I'm not sure how to go about doing that.  It's strange to say it, but I'm sort of affraid of them.  I don't want him to die, though, because death is a sad, pathetic affair, no matter who it is that's departing.

I hate saying these things, especially on here, knowing who reads it, but since I'm not in therapy anymore (for the time being) I need someone to just talk about shit with.  That person, as of now, is you, Xanga.

I still havn't called Melissa.  I don't know why I'm putting it off.  I just don't really know what to say to her.  "Hey, wanna go see a movie or something in a few days?  I can't do it now because I'm broke."  No, that's lame.  I feel like I should wait untill I have money so that I can actually do stuff, but at the same time I don't want her to think I don't want to talk to her.  Meh.  These things are confusing.  I have never quite learned the rules...

Devin the Arctic Penguin with a Machinegun for a Flipper

Currently Gaming Final Fantasy VI By Nintendo see related

The Long March of Weekend Fun

The weekend was cool.  I saw Hot Fuzz Friday night with Justin, Adam, John, Jeff, and Brian.  It was pretty damn funny.  Then we went to Denny's and ate dinner and Adam and I got free cheesecake... because we left before we got the bill for it, haha.  Free stuff rules.  Then we went to Wal-mart and shopped for stuff for Jeff's robot costume.  Le boring.  Adam and I got back to his place at like 3am and I watched him play Prey untill I fell asleep.

Later I was woken up by Jeff and John making a huge fucking racket with their robot.  Blarg.  Then I slept again.  When I woke up, I was pretty much alone, and bored, so I played Ninety-Nine Nights for a while.  That game is fun, for a while, but gets way too repetative.  However, it's pretty as fuck, and had some cool character names (Inphyy and Asphaar stand out) so it was okay.  Then I went to get pizza, hung out at Little Caesars for a while, then went back to Adam's and slept untill around 7, when Yoko and her friend Laura came to pick me up for Kittie's party.  Laura is awesome.  Very.

The party was fun.  There was a lot of people there.  Turns out Kittie is dating the older brother of Meagan, who is a girl I sort of dated a while back.  She's way young, though, which is why we broke it off.  Ugh... I still can't believe that happened.  I totally didn't know she was that young when we started dating, and she just avoided the question whenever I asked.  Anyways, it's good he didn't recognize me because he's supposed to be looking for me to kill me, or at least beat me up.  Haha.  Lucky me.  I ended up spending 90% of the party with Laura.  I totally dug her pretty damn hard.  Like I said, she's awesome.  We sort of hit it off randomly, because I had only met her once before, years ago, and didn't remember her at all, so she was a total stranger.  Some things happened, which I will not recount here, and I went back to Adam's.

The next day I woke up at 10am and called Laura to go out to lunch.  I had actually planned to take my dad out to lunch, but the night before I told Laura I would with her, so I didn't call my dad.  He was mad about that later.  I felt like shit.  Anyways, we went to New Great Wall and it was good, then to some bookstores and the mall.  We drove for like an hour looking for this one bookstore and when we finally found it, it turns out to not be open on Sundays.  Lame.  We just got pizza for dinner and went back to Yoko and Everett's to eat and watched  a show about dogs.  Laura and I cuddled and then I left.  It sucks.  I will probably never see her again.  I live in Wichita and she is moving to Seatle in like two weeks.  Fucking gay.

I went from Yoko's to my dad's to pick up some stuff and talk to him for a bit.  Then I left around 11pm or so to start my 2 1/2 hour drive home.  I got about 1 1/2 hours into it and fell asleep at the wheel.  I drove off the road and the noise woke me up and I was like "HOLY SHIT!" so I pulled over to the side and took an hour long nap to try to revitalize me.  Once I made it back into Wichita, I missed my turn off and got lost.  I had to pay about a dollar more in toll which blows because I only had about $2 on me.  I finally got home around 3:30am, tired and broke.

Anyways, work is friggin' nuts right now.  Not just normal nuts, but friggin' nuts.  It's the second evolution of nuts.  It has hyperbeam.  Seriously, though, there is a lot going on.  Orders keep coming in for more and more and more, and I'm finding it hard to keep up.

I saw Melissa at the grocery store yesterday.  She's a girl I met in late November and we flirted and exchanged numbers and nothing came of it.  Turns out she had moved out of her parents' house and has a different number now, so she gave it to me and I plan to call her to ask her out when I get paid, which is Tuesday.  It would be nice to FINALLY have a girlfriend again.  Spending time with Laura this weekend really reminded me of how lonely I am sometimes.  It feels good to be wanted.

I guess that's about it.

Devin the Man Whore

Currently Gaming Castlevania: Symphony of the Night By Konami see related

I tried to bring this xanga blog away from emotional stuff because I have a feeling nobody gives a shit, and someone once told me reading my blog, as well as simply being around me, is a downer, but I think now is important enough to warrant a change.

I'm pretty tired of things.  She cares about me, then changes her mind.  Then asks for forgiveness and cares about me again, then stops again.  Then after boyfriend after boyfriend she cares about me again, then stops.  All this time my feelings never changed.  Am I that hard to love?  Good God!  It's been two years and I've still been there for her.  I'm seriously considering just saying "fuck it."  It's just so hard for me to put my feelings on a shelf and forget about them.  I don't feel like I should be forced to do that.  What about me?  When's MY turn to be happy?  God fucking damnit when's my fucking turn?!  I was supposed to spend a week with her this summer, just the two of us hanging out.  We had planned it since late December.  Then she tells me she's probably going to spend the summer in Florida.  Fucking Florida.  WHOOPS there goes the only thing I really looked forward to this year.  Great.  What happened to our plans?  I guess they didn't mean jack after all.

Fuck... I'm just so alone.  So fucking alone.  I'm sick and tired of one sided pseudo-relationships.  I've technically been single for about two years now.  Two fucking years.  I see everybody around me going through relationship after relationship, or getting married, or having kids.  Yet I can't keep a girl interested for more than never.  I'm tired of being overlooked.  I want to yell "HEY!  There's a guy RIGHT HERE who will treat you like a princess and give you the respect and love that you deserve and he won't lie to you and he won't be an asshole like all of those other guys you have been with!  GIVE HIM A SHOT!" but of course that falls on deaf ears.

As I'm sure this blog entry will.  I'm done ranting.  Goodnight.

Devin the Turd

Currently Watching The Prestige By Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Piper Perabo, Rebecca Hall see related

New-ish story

I wrote this story starting back in like January, but never got around to finishing it untill two days ago.  Hope you like it.  Any feedback would be most welcome, as with any of my writing.  My therapist says my writing is "morbid" and that kind of makes me laugh.  It's supposed to be morbid.  Steven King didn't become famous by writing happy tales of unicorns and smiling suns.

Ashes to Ashes

by Devin Nease

            It’s raining today.  It’s the first time I’ve seen rain in years.  You’d probably not believe it yourself if you were here next to me, looking out my bedroom window.  It’s a dark rain.  The ash is covering the ground like a film of dust.  The old attic floor of the world outside is full of cobwebs and dead things.  Long legged filthy dead things.

            I turn from the window and smile.  Today is going to be a good day.  The first rain in years means that the ground will get the nutrients it needs and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to see something grow.  Jumping down from the bench at my window, I run to the kitchen.

            “Jonathan, it’s raining!  Come look!”  I grab his sleeve and pull him away from the refrigerator.  He’s still holding a bottle of hydro and, in the commotion, he drops it to the ground.

            “Damn it Chris!  Look what you made me do!”  He slaps my face, the pain from his fingers stinging my already red cheek.  “You know we can’t afford to lose the hydro!  You have any idea how much that cost me?”  He grabs me and throws me to the ground near the growing puddle of liquid.  “Clean it up, now!”  He throws a small rag at me and walks to the window.  “Stupid rain…

            I should have known better than to tug on Jonathan like that.  It’s my fault that the hydro spilled.  He’s just looking out for me; he’s making sure I have enough hydro to be healthy.  He loves me, I’m sure of it.

            After cleaning up the spill, I head back to the window to watch the rain.  The little flakes of dust flutter down to Earth so gracefully.  I’ve actually never seen he rain before.  I was only a baby last time, but Jonathan told me about it.  He said the fallout made it rain, and the ash made things grow.  Too bad they died not long afterwards.  I’m hoping that I can save one this time.  I have a bucket next to my mattress and a spoon in my secret box.  I keep all sorts of stuff in my secret box: an old playing card, a marble, a tin soldier, and a silver spoon.  The spoon is my favorite, and I can use it to dig up the ash plant.  Today is going to be a good day.

            I watch the rain for what seems like ages before I turn away.  Maybe I should go see Jillian.  She lives down the path in the old steel room.  She’s got beautiful long hair the color of old rust and little brown freckles on her pudgy nose.  I’d like to marry her one day.  Before I can leave, I have to put on my yellow rubber coat and my rainmask.  The goggles make it hard to see, everything looks yellow, but I feel like I’m dressing up.  It reminds me of those old monster masks kids used to wear on Halloween.  The breath hose smells like old shoes, but I grit my teeth and bare it.

            Outside, the ash rain falls all around me.  I kick it as I walk, and it billows up in little plumes with each step.  I fallow the path to the old steel room.  The path is just a dirt trail through the rock forest with high stone walls on both sides, but it’s the only way to get to Jillian’s room.  Finally, after hiking for a while, I find the little staircase going down into the ground with a steel door at the end.  This is Jillian’s room.  I walk down the stairs: one, two, three, four, five, six.  There.  The door is taller than even Jonathan and is thick and sturdy.  I knock on it a few times with the stone knocker: a rock on the end of a string hanging from a loop in the door.  After a minute the door swings open with a creak and Jillian’s eyes sparkle at me.

            “Chris!  Hi!”  She too is wearing a rainmask and a black fluffy coat made of dog hair.  “It’s raining!  Can you believe it?  I’ve never seen the rain before.”  She danced in a circle, arms out, face to the sky.  I could see little specks of rain hitting her goggles.

            “I’ve never seen it either.”  I feel kind of shy around her, but I’m very happy at the same time.  I’m weird I guess.  “Hey, I’m going to go looking for plants, wanna come?”

            “Yes!  I’m looking for plants too!”  She hops a little in excitement.  I can imagine her cheeks behind that mask, rosy red and bunched up from smiling so big.  She runs ahead of me a few feet then turns back and waves for me to come.  As I walk over to her, she grabs my hand to pull me along.  I can feel my face start to burn, but I like it.  I feel really hot, but I know I can’t take my coat off.

            After a short while we reach a clearing in the rocks.  The rubble of broken buildings encircles us and protects us from the outside world.  In the center of the clearing is something I’ve never seen before.  It looks like a circular concrete tub, with a statue in the middle with multiple spouts sticking out of it.  The statue is of a man with two dogs.  He’s naked.  I feel like laughing at his nakedness, but Jillian grabs my attention again.

            “Hey!  This is awesome!”  She looks at me and I see her eyes wider than I knew was possible.  She reaches out her arm and smacks my shoulder and then turns to run.  “You’re it!” she calls and giggles as she runs towards the old statue-tub.  I quickly follow, laughing in my excitement.  This is a good day.

            Jillian runs to the other side of the statue, standing inside the concrete tub, and yells out “Catch me!”  I hurriedly run to the statue and jump inside the tub as well.  When I run to one side to try and catch her, she runs to the other.  We circle the naked man for a moment before Jillian jumps up on the ledge of the tub, a flat top about one foot wide and 2 feet tall, and begins running along it.  I stay on the ground and follow her.  I don’t really want to catch her, I just want to watch her run, to watch her hair billow behind her.  She is beauty.

            Suddenly her legs wiggle strangely.  One foot slips out forward and the other twists to the side.  Her arms flail as she falls inwards, toward the snarling face of one of the stone dogs.  I stand still, watching the horrible event before me.  I can’t move.  I want to move, but my body is frozen.  I am just like the statue that stands next to me.

            As Jillian falls, the back of her head pounds into the snout of the canine statue and rocks back and forth.  It looks like her neck is made of rubber bands.  One of the dog’s teeth catches on the strap of her rainmask and I see her beautiful face in full.  She’s lying on the ground.  Her face is twisted into what looks like a scream, but no sound is coming out.  She keeps grasping at her face and neck, like she’s trying to find the rainmask.  She looks so beautiful, even now.  Her eyes, I guess they are green.  I’ve never seen green except in her eyes.  Now they are full of tears and fear.  What can I do?  I can’t move.  I am a statue in the courtyard watching her.  Slowly she begins to calm down.  It looks like she is sleepy.  Her hands move from her throat to gently rest one on her chest and one next to her head.  I just watch.  The tears in her eyes stop, and her chest stops moving.  Is she asleep?

            After some time I can move.  First my fingers, than my whole arm and eventually everything.  I creep over to Jillian so as not to wake her.  She’s so quiet.  She’s so beautiful.  I bend down and brush her rust-colored hair out of her face so I can see her pale skin and cute freckles on her pudgy nose.

            I am beginning to realize what happened.  My eyes are burning and my chest hurts.  I wanted to marry her.  She’s so beautiful.  I reach down and touch her lips.  They feel cold, are starting to turn blue.  I should carry her home.

            I hoist her onto my back and slowly make my way to the steel room.  She’s heavy with the dog coat and big rubber boots on.  I step through the rock forest.  One.  Two.  Three.  I must keep stepping.  I must bring her home.  I must.

            Finally we, I, reach the steps to the steel door.  I knock a few times, but nobody answers.  She’s too heavy to stay on my back, so I lay her on the steps in a way that maybe she will be comfortable.  I’m so tired.  I can’t breathe even though I have the rainmask on.  I feel like my chest is caving in.  I sit next to her on the steps and look at her.  She’s so beautiful.  She’s the only beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

            I lie down next to her and take her hand in mine and just stare into her eyes.  They are still open, still green, still sad.  I just lie there next to her and cry.