sweetfaced_profanity's Xanga

Hmm...

Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:21:17 GMT

I wanted to write something meaningful here but nothing would come out. I'm glad to see that some people are still using xanga and that I'm able to have a glimpse into their lives, especially since everyone has taken such different paths. It's been a long time since college and an even longer time since high school, when most of my friends were xanga-ing away. It's interesting to see how far people have gone and even more interesting to see how little people have done with their lives.

I can say though, that I've found a relatively happy and balanced life. =P I have an amazing group of friends who support me no matter what and drag my sorry ass up whenever I stumble. I can find happiness in small things like a walk with my best friends while eating Red Mango or going to the gym when it's empty (endorphins make you happy!!). Though not to say I can't find happiness in the big things (like seeing Morimoto again!! <3 him!) I'm over dealing with people's BS and drama and I will stab you with a sharp object if you try to start with me. =)

I can't wait to see where we all end up, even though I know I have a long way to go..

XOXO.

How...

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 13:09:45 GMT

...did things turn out this way?

Severely lost.

You...

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 14:01:06 GMT

...disgust me

Grow up, it's been long overdue.

Maybe...just maybe...

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 00:44:16 GMT

When life throws something unexpected and maybe even unwanted in your way, the easiest solutions are often times are not solutions at all. Take me for example, I've learned I tend to avoid and ignore people and things that I am not happy with...easy, yes...healthy, no. To me it'll always be the solution that I unfortunately find most comfort in.

Except in this case. It couldn't be avoided. I had to take the hard road...the one full of possible slips and falls...rolls and tumbles...

But maybe, just maybe....everything will just fall in their place. Maybe, just maybe facing all those carefully hidden away insecurities and having to walk straight into something out of my control...maybe it'll be all worth it in the end. Uncertain? Yes. Willing? Definitely.

I'll meet you there.

Sometimes...

Wed, 29 Aug 2007 00:23:35 GMT

...things just don't work out the way you want to.
Sometimes...you just have to learn to let go and live even if it breaks your heart.
Sometimes...the timing is off and perhaps it was more than just the timing...

No matter what though, I can say I didn't regret it for a second. In a heartbeat, I'd do it all over again. Sad as the situation may be now, I know there's happiness waiting for me and I look forward to what surprises tomorrow brings. In the deepest parts of my heart, I hope fate will give us another chance someday...=)

"But there are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can." - Practical Magic

Let go.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 12:59:26 GMT

The past few months have taught me that I have issues about letting go of bad things or things that aren't necessarily healthy for me. For some reason, being able to walk away from something good is just that much easier. Why is that? What is it about negative friendships, relationships that take such a toll on your mind and soul that they always leave lasting impressions?

I've also learned, the hard way, sometimes having control or having something mapped out and planned isn't necessarily always good. It limits your ability to adapt in situations that you have no control over. However, always going with the flow, without a path in front of you and blindly going about your life isn't exactly great either. The solution is to find something balanced for yourself.

Lately, I've been seriously lacking time for myself and somewhere along the line, I lost myself. I'm worn out emotionally from people, mentally from work and physically from my inability to fall asleep and sleep through the night and the grown back pains. Everything is seriously taking a toll on me and I haven't figured what to do yet...

And the latest thing I learned...

"The truth is I can't be with you like this. I mean, I know I said that I could, but I can't. I just can't compromise myself like that. I mean I'm an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset and talk about how I'm feeling. I mean that's just...that's who I am and I can't change it. I don't want to. And the thing is you know that, you knew it and you still pursued me because you want something with me, you just aren't strong enough to have it which...in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is that...one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna realize what you missed and it's gonna be too late." - Felicity

The last thing I will ever need to do...

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 11:45:19 GMT

...is explain myself to you. A friend yesterday had asked me whether or not I had included this person in an event. I was a little taken aback and calmly said no. When asked to explain why, it was simple. It was my event and I could invite whoever I want. Then I was asked if this person approached me, that I should go ahead and say something else... As if I needed to ever explain myself to this person.

Highly offended and insulted.

We're not in HS anymore people. If you weren't invited, obviously I don't want you there. Don't be such a little bitch and whine about it like you always do with EVERYTHING. Your life, your job, as if you had no control over it. We're fking 23, granted, that's still young, but don't bitch about things as if you were stuck there without any choices. I don't understand how people actually think that they should be included in certain things when they know nothing about what's going on with my life. That's pretty dumb.

I obviously can see why the friend who asked me would want me to do such a thing and I highly respect and REALLY care for this friend especially for all that they have done for me, but I don't have to explain myself to that other person. I don't owe that person anything and honestly don't even really respect that person much for many justified reasons.

The last thing I will ever need to do is to explain myself to you.

Subway Peeves pt. 2

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 12:57:55 GMT

I'm sure I've written about subway peeves before, but this morning totally got my blood boiling like mad!

Peeve #1: The doors open, people move to the side to let people out and then the minute they get past the doorway, they stop. They don't even ATTEMPT to move in when there is CLEARLY enough room. I literally huffed angrily and shoved myself past them. They didn't even move in when a PREGNANT woman came in. She had to maneveur (btw it was like 7 people blocking the entire entranceway) between these asses so she could sit down.

Okay, fine, maybe some people are getting off the next stop or whatever, but it's not like the doors are going to close on them if they move five feet away from the damn exit. All my life I've been on a subway, I've only seen 2 people ever miss their stop and that was because the idiots by the door didn't move. MOVE IN you assholes!

Peeve #2: The morning ooglers. It is 7am in the damn morning. I do not need you dirty ass, greasy, grimy men to be checking me out BLATANTLY. God. I don't give a rat's ass if you think I am attractive, keep your fking stares to yourself. The worst thing is when you're inside a fking subway car and it's not like you move much away unless you plan to hide behind someone else. I'd like to fking walk into a subway station w/o having to put on my "disgusted bitch face" on.

Hell, I'd like to walk around anywhere without my "disgusted bitch face" on. Disgusting creeps. And NO I do not need that external validation from men I could fking care less about. I got that kind of validation from people who actually MATTER.

Peeve #3: The pole leaners. Why do people, when the subway is full enough, LEAN on the damn poles so that less people can hold on to them? I can't stand that. Nobody wants to touch you, so turn your fking self around and hold the damn pole like everyone else. Today some blonde bimbo was leaning over on it whilst talking to her boyfriend or whatever and it's not like she wouldn't face him completely still if she just held on to it. NO REGARD.

Peeve #4: Annoyingly rude people. Today, granted, I was pretty peeved that people were blocking the door, but it's nothing a shove and an excuse me couldn't solve. This short ass has to go and talk really loudly "GOD. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE JUST STAND THERE" and rants on for like a minute so everyone else can hear. I mean he said it in the most jerkoff way possible that I totally got over my peeved-ness with a quickness. I hate when people talk about other people like they're not there and want them to do something. Congrats little man, you probably have a small penis and have to constantly prove yourself. Napoleon complex much?

RUDE RUDE RUDE people. GOSH.

Happy Birthday Dad!

Sun, 18 Mar 2007 22:49:02 GMT

Happy birthday to one of my heroes, my dad!

Ah ba

It caught the young laughter

spilling from your

slightly opened mouth,

the elation effusing

from the expressive eyes

you had given me,

the palm of your hand

protesting against the capture,

this is my favorite picture of you, dad.

I did not know you then, but

I wish I known you when

your mouth was not

so used to being quieted,

when your eyes were not

so worn from studying the wok,

when your empty hands

once held a palmful of dreams

before being snatched away by

a grounded mother

and two daughters

that demanded more.

The Truth Is...

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 23:14:19 GMT

Ever since the New Year started, I felt oddly displaced from my emotions. I couldn't explain and finally, with the help of Tina, one of my dearest friends, I realized it.

This past weekend, I hung out with probably the two nicest guys ever. They were incredibly gentlemanly and still had that innocence that I once had. They're the kind of people who never really makes enemies, rarely hold grudges, easy to give their forgiveness. Being next to them, I felt so tainted. Shields went up to protect them, maybe even protect myself, from the negativity inside of me from spreading outward.

As much as I would like to say I can easily open up, I know that's a lie. The truth is...I let someone break me. Because of that, the world is a little harsher with a little bit less sunshine. I'd rather live with being alone and safe than broken and tattered and to have been with someone or anyone for that matter. It sounds so sad, but for me, it's the only choice I want to make right now.

I'm not ask you to pity me or provide me with sympathy. This is just the way for me to face what I've been avoiding for many months now. I can finally explain why I felt so distanced from my friends and why I'm more willing to let people go from my lives. Also why I'm less willing to share who I am with others.

That's no way to live, though. At least now, maybe, just maybe, I can find that sunshine again.

I know that I have your support. That's really all I need. And as always, it's very much cherished. I don't really need to specify who this message is for now do I?