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Wide Awake.
Came home exhausted from the weekend and decided to take a nap...that's probably what is keeping me up right now. A big side of me didn't want to go to the after-strike cast party last night - mainly because I knew today was going to be a long one. Not only are Mondays the only days I have to get up early and work all day, but I was scheduled to teach two classes. I always have to get stuff ready, check equipment, and do all that stuff beforehand. Since yesterday was Mother's day (technically, two days ago), I got up wicked early so we could take my mom out to breakfast...I tried to take a nap afterwards, but that didn't really do any good.
It's kind of funny. I've spent a good deal of time telling people to go after their dreams. When I was a preachin man, this was a frequent concept for me. Out of the pulpit, it's been more of encouraging others to do stuff. There are even times when I myself take that big step. The funny part is that I, and everyone else that teaches this thing, never really tell people how to handle the defeat of an escaped dream. There just are things out there that can be impossible to complete. An absurd example...dreaming of winning the lottery. There is no amount of determination that can make this happen...yeah, the more you play, the higher your odds are of winning...but it's not something that can necessarily be caught.
I have no problem with chasing down things that have no finite end. Those who want to be actors, or musicians, or teachers, or whatever...they can chase those dreams down until their last day...and hopefully getting there. Of course, chasing dreams doesn't ensure catching them, but not chasing them ensures never getting them. We encourage people to go after what they want...which is good.
But what about when they miss the train? I mean, there are some dreams that have a deadline. It might be something that needs done by a certain age, or during a certain time period. Sometimes...a person can only take so much failure before they move on. We never really tell people that it won't always work out...that hard work doesn't always mean success...that wanting something doesn't mean you'll get it.
I find myself, just every now and again, thinking about some of those things that got away....that I can't do anything about now. Then I start looking at stuff that isn't necessarily out of reach, but that the time line is running out on.
Someone at the internet company I worked for used to always say, "If I'm not making mistakes, it means I'm not doing my job." This was one of those expressions that says how people who are active at work are going to make mistakes...if they aren't, then they obviously aren't doing anything. She said this because she made a lot of mistakes...probably more than anyone should make, but the idea is good. If you're out there trying...then you're going to fail. Show me a man who has never failed, and I'll show you a man who never really tries anything.
So, when I think about some of those missed opportunities, failures, and screw-ups... - the bright side is that I can say that I'm at least doing something. The dark side is that many opportunities have passed without a chance for a repeat. I guess you just move on...but the idea sucks anyways.
But with trying...there are some successes. I mean, they may not amount to anything in the long run....but it's nice to get a little encouragement every now and again.
My dad asked me about that award I won...what it was an all of that. He then said, "That will probably looking good on a resume, right? If you ever actually decide to look for a job..."
I'm not sure if a person can really win around here.
blah blah blah
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Applying for jobs...interview at the Ren on Thursday. It's for a summer internship...the pay is pretty good, the hours will most likely suck...I'm really sure if I want it or not (it may not really be an option anyway). At the audition, I talked with the lady who is in charge...her husband works in the IT department on campus. The writing center and the IT people work pretty closely. I think my "networking" with her might have helped. We'll see...I'm still not sure. I was hoping for a chance at the Art Center deal. Somehow, I get this feeling that an intern at the Ren. is really just like being someone's bitch - I could be wrong.
It seems like the jobs that I want...they all require Masters Degrees.
I really can't get into a Masters program until next year (unless I want to pay full price...which I don't), so I'm applying for campus jobs that might allow me free college. Even if I can't get free Graduate school, I wouldn't mind getting another Bachelors degree in something I actually like.
Blah Blah Blah
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| The writing center seriously attracts some weird folk. There are several people that come in everyday...just to hang out. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a problem with this...some of these people have actually become good friends. There are also people who stop in that are odd. I can think of three right now. They come in and demand attention...they interupt consultations...they follow you around...they jump into any conversation (regardless if they have anything good to add or not)...they make sure to tell you long and pointless stories...they can, to be frank, be somewhat annoying. I find myself frustrated every now and again. On one hand, it makes sense...it's kind of rude to interupt a person's reading and then follow people around in order to tell them about an episode of a tv show that they've already told you they didn't like. On the other hand... Why is it that when we encounter someone who just wants attention we tend to just ignore them? Is it really so much to ask to just pay attention to someone for a while? I guess it can get out of hand, so maybe they can expect too much. I always end up feeling mixed - frustrated because the person won't leave me/us alone (just with pointless comments about nothing) - mad at myself for being such a selfish bastard (especially with my time). | | |
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Strike may be one my least favorite things about theater...and it's not the actual physical labor that lowers this on the list...it's how it affects people (including myself).
See, if we've done our jobs...the last show leaves us worn out, but we have to stick around and take the set down. Of course, no one is really all that excited about it...and we all just want to leave. It's even worse when there is something planned for afterwards: going out to eat, a party-type thing, or just getting caught up on some much needed sleep. So the general feeling is to just get everything done and get out of there.
Obviously, it's not that easy. First, there is never really a plan of action. Some people clean the dressing rooms, some people start tearing stuff down, some people kind of stand there and watch. Since no one is really sure what's going on, the Strike starts with a bit of confusion. To top that off, everyone gets directions from a number of different people...and those directions are never in agreement with anyone else. It gets frustrating because you do what you're told, and then yelled at by someone else for not doing it right. Second, there reaches a point when there are just too many hands in the cookie jar (if I can use an old cliche). It's kind of like before...a ton of people giving orders, but that's not all. Some people end up standing around watching...they want to help, but there really isn't anything to do. Sometimes, they even get yelled at. If they try to help, then they just get in the way or make things unsafe. Third, after a long show...and the time before the show getting ready, people are usually hungry. We're usually given pizza or something...but not until we're done or until it's really late. Hunger doesn't usually help break the tension. Mix all of that with the fact that you've been spending a ton of time with the same people over the last 5 weeks or so...
For all of this...I always take the job throwing stuff away. We've had to do this with only hand carts before...and it sucks. I made sure to bring a truck today. We load all of the stuff onto the truck...drive it down to the dumpster, and throw it away. It some regards, this is kind of a crappy job. I mean, you're out in the elements. It almost always rains or snows on the last day...or is cold or whatever. You have to carry everything in and out of the truck...and often times have to life bigger pieces over your head to fit them in the dumpster. I'm not claiming this is the hardest job, but I would surely say it ranks up there. I always get involved with the truck.
I do this because it helps eliminate most of the problems with strike. There usually isn't anyone supervising the load/unload...so there aren't multiple directions being shouted from every corner. You only work with a couple other people, so it's easier not to have to put up with anyone else's frustration. Because you're leaving the shop area, you can screw around a little more...making the strike more fun...or at least bearable. Also, you get to take out any aggression on set pieces. It's not a bad trade off for being soaked by rain, covered in mud, cut up with splinters, or worn out with all of the lifting.
But even when you can escape the normal problems with strike...you're not out of the woods. When you do come back to get more trash, you have to deal with people. I wonder if people don't think the load/unload job is super easy...that we do it because we're lazy. I wonder this because many of the people aren't very happy with us. Maybe they're just frustrated and see fresh blood to take it out on. Today, we were yelled at several times for really stupid reasons. One time, we were scolded for loading a piece of wood that they wanted to keep. We just throw the stuff from a pile (that people make for us) into the truck...it's not our job to know what is to be kept and what isn't. At one point, I personally got yelled at on stage...maybe a little deservingly. I came in to see how things looked - we didn't have much in the pile. I saw a couple of people tearing down some walls...so I decided to help. In the process, I just started kicking walls (much more fun than just prying the nails out). One of the walls I kicked came completely undone and fell. It landed a good two feet from someone else who was working on another section. They started telling me that I needed to put safety first. Although I agree that safety is important and all, it really wasn't an issue in this case. No big deal. The hard one was when we came in for a second. We saw a bunch of people come in with pizza boxes and were curious. Usually we don't eat until we're done...and we were far from done. We decided to ask if we were waiting or taking a break - mainly because we were getting ready to go unload the truck and didn't want to disappear for 20 minutes while everyone got to eat. We saw the food sitting on some tables and started walking across the lobby to grab a drink of water and find someone to ask. From inside the theater someone comes running out screaming bloody murder about how we shouldn't touch the pizza. The four of us were being accused of stealing pizza...and we weren't anywhere near it. They came out and started to basically lecture us about being near the food...how we weren't allowed to eat yet. I admit, I may not have handled it well (not horrible), but I made it very clear that we were getting a drink and how I didn't care to be yelled at. (Of course I added something about how we were the ones out in the rain hauling crap around and it shouldn't be too much to ask to grab a drink of water). One of the guys in our group was even mad enough about it that he decided to leave (it wasn't just that...it was all of the stuff that I mentioned, and he didn't see the point). Even when it was time to eat, people were snapping at each other (and at us) for no real good reason. I could keep the list going...but I've vented enough.
I get it...there is a bit of tension and people don't always understand what other people are saying...if they are joking, are serious, or are talking about something else entirely.
I'm really not a fan of how this all works. It gets old having people snap at you, talk down to you, accuse you of things, treat you like a little kid, and so forth. And that's why I dislike strike.
In other news...I powerbombed several desks and help tear them apart piece by piece with my bare hands.
It's weird, there's always this empty feeling when a show is over. You spend weeks memorizing lines, practicing dances, tightening the jokes, learning the feel, and just getting the show together. Then, you go through a good week of full runs...makeup, costumes, hair styles, lights, and whatever else. People start to come and watch...they clap for you, they shake your hand in the hallway, they seem to appreciate all of your hard work. It's a great feeling. Then...almost all of a sudden...it's over. As quick as it began, it's over. On one hand, it's great to start thinking about all of the free time you get back. You have time to write those papers that are due, you have time to spend with family and friends that you've kind of neglected, and you even have time to just lay around and do nothing. On the other hand, the purpose that you've had over the last month is gone...and you really don't know what to do with yourself.
That's a normal feeling. Somehow, it's a little more this time. I can't make any assurances, but this might have been the last show I will ever do on the OSU-M campus. I mean, it's possible that I'll be around again...and they'll be doing something that sounds like fun, but my hopes are kind of to move out of this town. I don't really have anywhere to go at this point, so that move may not happen right away. Besides, I've kind of hogged roles on campus for a while now, and maybe it's someone else's turn. In a deeper sense, this could also be the last real production that I ever do. I mean, I'll probably try out for other shows in the future...but it won't be the same. On campus, there really isn't a ton of competition. For example, I didn't even try out for the musical...I just told them that I thought it would be fun...and got a part. (I seriously considered not doing it so I could spend time figuring out what to do with my life). Since I was already on campus with work and my classes...doing theater was easy. In the real world, it's not always possible to have a free enough schedule to handle the long rehearsals. Besides, depending on where you are...tons of people may be trying out for the shows. It takes a long time to build up a good reputation...directors tend to stick with people they're comfortable with before taking on newcomers (unless they're just in need for bodies). Since I have no idea where my future will lead me, it's really hard to say if I'll ever be on stage again. It's kind of sad. It's been a lot of fun: parts in 8 shows, directorial roles in 3 shows, a couple events, an award or two, and a ton of good relationships. And just like it begun...it's over.
It's weird...since the campus doesn't have a theater major, people are constantly coming and going in the theater department. I entire experience came from the fact that not many people tried out for the first show I was in...without a couple breaks, none of this would have ever happened. On main campus, I could have easily been discouraged or never given a chance. But since people are often moving to main campus or whatever, it's really not a big deal to see someone off. There have been plenty of shows that have been someone's last. This show was the last OSU show for a couple people...some who knew it, and some who haven't realized it yet. So with tons of people stepping off the stage for the last time, it seems weird to think that you're any different...that you're last show might actually mean something. That sounds so depressing - not what I mean at all.
That's just what's happening...there are a lot of lasts. For the past couple years, I've lived on that campus...classes, work, theater, film club, and so on. A lot of work has gone into that place. I was always more than just a student trying to just get a degree, I've been looking for ways to improve, to enlarge, to change, to create things on campus...in the writing center, the theater, and the campus overall. I'll brag for a moment and say that it's gone pretty well...stuff has happened. Not only have I had some great opportunities on stage, but I've helped redefine the role of the writing center on campus, as well as create a community-wide film festival that is coming up for round two. I realize that most of this stuff, in the long run, may not really matter...but it's there. Heck, I was even told last week that I was given the Academic Excellence Award
(kind of like "most outstanding senior) for 2008...this includes some sweet cash action, a certificate, and a
plaque on display in Ovalwood with the old name on it. Not too bad really.
So...in a couple of weeks, my job runs out...I have no more classes to take...I have no real reason to ever step foot on campus again (although I'm sure I will...for a number of different reasons). It's weird to think that this section of life is coming to an end...and there's no real future in sight. I'm scared of ending up as a nobody in some workplace...never amounting to anything. Not that I'm the top dog on campus, but I worked and fought my way to make things happen. It won't be as easy...I'll be starting over in a new world...possibly a world with fewer options.
It's not very exciting.
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" ~Semisonic
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| So I just won 1,000 dollars. Also...a free dinner. I get to invite a faculty mentor to join the free meal. Shizam. | | |
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