a thought i just had....

reality just set in...

i was laying on my old bed and i thought:  i don't live here anymore!  when did this happen, what was i thinking, and where was i in this process?  just when i think that the apartment is starting to feel like "home," something like this appears in my head and i realize... that will never be home... because this will forever be my home.  maybe, because i know that the apartment is not permenant... and that well, come may i want to get myself a condo...  i'm just vacationing there for the time being.... anyways....

week in review....

its been a fulfilling week. numero uno- got the car! ended up with the 6 and not the 8, but i'm soooo in la la with this car. its soooo nice and perty! i def made the right choice!! i honestly think i will cry when i get my first ding and scratch on it! f'in bastards better keep away from it!

system of a down concert... holy shit! they are just fantastic and gave suck a kick-ass concert. it was amazing! they sound really good live too... not like britney spears or other people who sound like shit live. but i guess how hard is it to scream your lungs out lol... must say i had a really good time at that concert, even though i the pre-show was different then what i planned... pretty much enjoyed my "alone" time with her and our happy happy convo after the concert... i wonder how it woulda been if i was with you durin the concert! prob woulda been better cause the three i went with aren't that big of fans... maybe they knew a combined 5 songs! shit i was singin and buggin out to them all! i wonder if they will have another concert after their 2nd half to this cd comes out! shit... concert my ticket bought...  and this time its me and you lol

what else this week... i saw her teh day after the concert... even though we started off on rocky terms, screams, tears, and feelings of confusion and hatred towards each other... the evening was quite pleasent.  and honestly... our initial reaction is perfectly normal and sane. we both are/were seeing other people... its only normal to wonder if the other is thinking about her other and wishing they were with her other or wondering if the other would be having more fun with her other doing the exact same activity... in all honestly... i wasn't thinking of mine... but i couldn't help but assume she was thinking of hers. after a bottle of wine though, and a long chat outside on the pool chairs in which the pool light was our main source of illumination, and a visit from a timid raccoon, i royally enjoyed the rest of our evening in which ultimately i was able to fall asleep with her in my arms. it just felt right again.

what else took place this week.... finally bought some school supplies... shit 64 bucks already down and i really don't have much to show for it... board of ed really needs to be a little bit more generous then 220! getting nervous and excited all at the same time... i hope i can be the bestest teacher that i could possibly be, can't ask for anything more then that... but i know that with time and experience it will all come together.

i also made a choice this week. i have been seeing someone .... who i cared deeply about... always had a great time with her, she practically lived with me for the past two months, told her tons, she helped me with practically everything i needed advice on or help with... and she was the shoulder i pretty much cried in when i needed a release- in which i would always try to hide my tears to the point that she prob has no idea i ever cried on her ( i try to be such a hard ass)! point is... the fact that i do care about her and that i do value her in my life is why i felt it was right to end the "relationship" aspect us and just let things be as friends. i really just have too much on my plate now, and not enough time, energy, or strength to go through another relationship.  i could foster a friendship, but nothing more at this time. i don't think that this was a mistake... i am actually proud that i had enough  descency to do this before more feelings got involved and before someone was left hurt.  now, i'm just looking forward to seeing if we could have a really cool friendship... because i like her train of though and her way of thinking! guess, as i said frequently in this xanga thing- only time will tell... but i'm pretty confident in this friendship!

anyways... gotta go and get ready for rollerblading or something active for tonight... i must say... i spent this summer pretty much with three other girls- with the exception of b-man- and i didn't think that this is how my summer woulda been... but i had fun! and many laughs and memories to accompany the funness of it all :) is funness even a word?... prob that- but thats a new york state teacher for ya lol..

later gaters

so, whats been cookin....

same old shit i must say.  tonight is test drive night for the car that i am prob gonna buy... mazda rx8 in white fully loaded lol... pure hotness that car is! also costing me an arm and a leg... maybe even a few toe nails too!  but hey, ya live once right? i saw a girl on teh bus today (yeah, i know- gina on a bus lol!) and she was obviously impaired physically, but on one arm she had tattooed "you only" and on the other one was "live once"... it was beautifully written... so badly wante dto ask her what font that was in for when igo get that thing writted down my back... i still want "find me" written cause its been teh one for the past few months and so therefore it must be "it." oh, so back to the car... first car i saw  while looking and the only car to make an impact... the eclipse which i was sure i was going to get turned out to be the only dissapointment... the most cheapest made car i have ever seen... thing was all plastic and it was impossible for a girl my height to see out and beyond the hood... admire from afar but never enter while on the road, because just like a ford- you will be Found On Road Dead.

friend wise... having fun, lots of fun... we play basketball a lot... damn, i should be in the wnba... i have not yet been on the loosing team... and thast pretty nifty since its either one on one or double team.  i got skills yo! and with the gurly girl friends... feeling distant, but comfortably distant.... like in a way in which i know things are gonna be ok.

love life... i don't have to say anything more then what i have been saying. i'm pretty much content and set in terms of who i want to be with and who i love. people can be great friends and mistake their friendship for something else just because the connection is deeper then just the normal daily calls and hang outs. some friends have the ability to touch you in a way in which you are fooled into believing "this could be love, what i have been searching for," however, when reality and the "newness" sets in so that it becomes nothing more than another routine- its clear to see the difference between friendship love and romantic love.... i have no doubts that "we" see and fell the difference and that is why my faith in us is still alive.

urge... lately i just have this urge to like reinvent myself... my stule, my attitude, my personality... like i'm sick of being the one with no self-esteem and the one that people walk all over.... i wanna be the type that doesn't give a fuck, says whatever i wanna say, and basically- i wanna get whatever i want when i want it... spoiled yeah... but thats the thing... i don't wanna get everything by being bitchy.. i wanna get it all by putting in hard work... so i could be like ha! i did it! kinda like the car... the monthly finance is on me and teh insurance is also gonna be on me... well, half of it- it comes to 3,441 so my dad said he will pay half per year for me... so for the first  year me and the pops will be paying 135 each. not bad at all.  glad people won't be throwing shit in my face sayin daddy pays for everything for me... cause with the exception of my car insurance as soon as i moved out it all was on me. i must say- i'm kinda proud of myself... payin rent and all the bills just using what i get from my pay checks!... never once asking for help or dipping into accounts besides for my bedroom set and flat screen plasma tv (hehe)... i thought i woulda asked by now, but i kept myself floating above debts- and i still have room for play! hells yeah!

aright... i'm feeling good now... time to go buy myself a car!  bye :)

man oh man what a weekend...

camping was really cool... not totally what i thought it would be, but it was still an awsome little getaway.  6 hour, 9 mile rafting experience... and experience is to say the least... i think we were all expecting crashing waters and for a few to fall off the raft... but the water was quite placid, two gay boys constantly wanted to swim rather then raft- held us up a bit!, and in general there were a lot of moments when we just spun  around in circles... woulda been better if two rafts were taken- us girls coulda beat those boys easily!  but the scenes alond the water were soooo freaking beautiful... like somethig you would see in a movie... damn, i fucking love nature and all that it offers- with the exception of the mosquittos lol! first time sleeping in a tent and it wasn't bad at all... kinda comfy to be honest... first real time camping smores- not teh ones we make at the cafes... they tasted pretty damn good, and some fun games of truth or dare and never ever... good times and good memories were taken from the trip. 

me and interest got into our first fight on the trip... hahaha, finally!!! need to document teh fight cause its something i want us to laugh about later on haha.  it was not even a fight really... when we got back from rafting i was starving so i scarfed down a big bag of chips... needless to say after teh showers (1 quater for 3 mins to take a shower) i wasn't hungry... after a few drinks many hours later i was hungry and i started getting all cranky and needy, so her being kick ass makes me two hot dogs with mustard... after eating them people were gonna go off grounds see a meteor shower... so interest took along a mountain dew for me, in which she mentioned she had for twice... the third time she asked to see if i wanted it i told her that her niceness is so friggin annoying at times... and finally the girl let me see her cute puerto rican attitude haha... i noticed her face changed so i asked her to tell me five words that would describe what she was thinking and she said wait until the car passes... the car passed and she quaterback style threw the soda across the path and said "maybe fucking deer will like it" in which i pointed out that she said six words and not five haha... needless to say i got the one-word treatment for a while and then finally the silent treatment which lasted all teh way to the next morning! but i had a kick ass time with her this weekend... part of teh night we went our own way and sat on some rocks overlooking the water and just talked about everything- all important emotional stuff... she's truly such and amazing catch.. even if we don't work out... in which i was asked my asked my 2nd of 3 times that she will ask me to be her gf... even if we don't work out i hope she gets the world from someone because i don't think i've ever met anyone with a heart like hers... her generosity, genuiness, open arms and ears personality, her incredible sense of humor and how well she gets along with everyone making sure that everyone is having a good time... she's perfect... and she's becoming one of my best friends.

now heres the shit!

fucking son of a bitch piece of shit mother fucker cock sucking prick! gina no longer has a car because the fucking son of a bitch piece of shit mother fucker cock sucking prick slammed into me causing me to slam into the car in front of me... and my car became a fucking acordian! and the lady who hit me never even got out of teh car but had teh audacity to say "i didnt do it, its not my fault" as her car if smoking and leaking anti-freeze.... teh woman who i hit is screaming at me calling me a stupid fuck because she just got her car one week ago and didn't yet know i was hit into her... the one who hit me- mind me, me and the lady i it were stoped at a red light- walked around with liek no scratches on her car! teh lady i hit has a fucked up back... and my little baby was killed! trunk popped up, all back lights were smashed out, back doors didn't open, the front of my car- ha! hood was up in a v-shape, and also all front lighst were broken! fucking sandwich smashed... and in teh middle of that fucking piece of shit state of new jersey in which i hope it fucking blows up and everyone living, well, maybe a few certain people living in jersey explode in the eruption!!!! grrr... car was taken to some fucking place in bloomberg which is on vacation for the next week i find out today from my insurance company! whatever... that stupid jeep that hit me or the lady driving teh jeep is gonna be paying a nice penny... so yeah, my car was totalled! gone forever... i was sooooooooooo fucking anger and at the same time i needed to cry soooo badly... a friends mom came to jersey to pick us up while the others went in the other car. while at the chilton hospital, cause two were minorly hurt, i just left everyone and walked to some fire hydrant that was in a bunch of red rocks by teh emergency entrance... i sat on teh fire hydrant and cried my fucking eyes out... cause in all seriousness no one but me was going to be affected by this. the one thing that i could honestly say was my pride and joy... always gave me confidence cause it was kick-ass nice,  and it was always a place that i could go to and just sit and relax... take drives and blast my favorite songs... my car was my baby! and i felt soooo bad just leaving it in fucking jersey parked on the outside of some gulf station all alone... i'm mental i know cause i'm gonna give this piece of metal life qualities- but my baby was in pain and hurt and probally crying and i left it all alone! talk about having an attatchment!!!!  uuuggghhhh, i felt terrible and i still do... it was my graduation present from my parents... so many good memories happened in that car. interest let me scream at her and project my anger about the car on her... i guess everyone needs and emotional punching bag!  i wanted to call you... i didn't want to see anyone but you... i just wanted you to take me away from everyone and everything around me and just take me home to cuddle with me. made me think that everything that i've been experiencing is being done without you in my life. i hate the fact that we can't share experiences... why when we were together there was always a separation in our lives. i know its my fault, but i guess i was just in a different place back then... and even now i know i am not comfortable with myself to let many others see me or what i am about. point is... if that accident was any worse i could have and everyone else in my car could have been killed... and death doesn't scare me... but it made me wonder what you would have thought or felt... would you regret not being with me? would you regret not giving us a fair chnace? would you regret being with you "little running hoe"... fucking hate that picture... gag me big time.... but would you regret being iwth her and not me? i got your text... saying that you couldn't stop thinking about having sex with me... did you think of me while you fucked her this weekend or did you just enjoy her?   you know what... i got caught up in the moment on sunday and things happened... after it was done i was crying because it wasn't you... i wondered to myself how you could have sex with this girl and not even be bothered that its not me... but to complain to me when i called you while i was in vegas that she doesn't do you enough and that you are tired of always having to please her.. i felt disgusting inside because i truly never thought i would be with anyone but you and the fact that it happened i guess made me and you not being together a reality and made me realize that we were officially done. god, i fucking love you but needing to let you go so became obvious after those few fucking amazing moments with her cause ha, the girl has skillllllllllllllls (sorry, but hadda say it) (yeah yeah yeah... i know never again am i hearing from you... but really pay attention to what i am saying above). anyways... this is about my car.... so goodbye car and i guess hello to a new one... most likely a 2006 eclipse or maybe a scion or i am looking at the 6's... was gonna get a jeep but realistically i'm to small for a jeep! uuuggghhhhh... tomorrow i should have all the exact definites about my car cause it'll be towed back to brooklyn... and then i'll start looking... so figure two weeks i'll have a new edition!  oh, while i was sitting on the fire hydrant i took out paper and was writing about beginning and ends... everything has a begining and an end... things just don't excite me the way they used to because i fully understand begininga nd ends now... like the example i used was vacations... when i first went away it was all about how much fun i was gonna have and how great it was going to be to get away... now when i go on vacations i know that its only gonna be for 7 days or so and then back to reality... all that planning and all that money... becuase nothing more then a memory that will eventually fade... you'll be able to say "oh i went to.... " say one or two things about it and then not remember the little things that fascinated you while actually there and experiencing it... but then again, i guess you always will get that warm fuzzy feeling in your heart- maybe you won't know exactly what is causing the feeling but you will know that something special occurred or was experienced in that far away land. 

i told interest that there is too much change going on around me and that it is happening all at once... she agreed as she said  "new job, new car, and  new girl!   only time will tell if all this newness is gonna be worth teh goodness i deserve and want!

good day all :)

just some random thoughts...

just did a few things online and now i have some free time for this thing.  i guess i posted the letter cause its something i wouldn't mind reading at a later time and what better place to put it... and plus just so that i know that i'm not the only one with feelings towards the relationship. i do miss you, but i really liked talking to you the tonight on the phone... if we stop mentioning "us" and just talk pressure free then its good. and i purposely asked you if you missed me and what you missed so that it could be the first thing you would remember when you thought about our call. trust me... if anything from "us" you really did get a friend out of me... even if i have to communicate with you mostly through this... like i said in the text- you're gonna send me to the looney bin but i know you're worth it for me.

anywayssssssssss... going camping tomorrow! holy molers! white water rafting and going on a hiking trail gonna see waterfalls! gonna be cooking on an outdoor grill haha... crazy shit that the girlies would never do but shit that i've been wanting to do for the longest! gonna be fun... i just hope i dont forget the mosquitto spray cause the bottom of my right foot got killed in a mosquitto massacre the other day while me and interest took a pre-trail (hehe) in the salt marsh... hate those lil buggers!speaking of buggers must say i'm happy to say that the bug situation at the apartment is under control (lol- hey, i did say random thoughts!)  speaking of random my lil cutie casey just took a bite out of her own dog poop... bad poopy! but she still looks adorable with her shell necklace that she refuses to have taken off of her... for a lil maltese she has the ability to turn into a wolf.. grrrrrrrrr!

song in head... marilyn manson- reach out and touch faith! i'm tired of teh same old songs on teh radio... new shit needs to come out soon.. speaking of new... the new kelly clarkson song... i must say every mood that i am in she has a song for at the exact right time... might as well post the lyrics cause the message just sums me up these days... but truthfully the song is much more dramatic then i feel... but all in all i feel that way in a much less suicidal way lol

"Because Of You"

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

i just burped... felt good!  lol... well, i am gonna go sit with my moms a lil... i did come home to vist and i have been on here for a while now... so i am gonna go chit chat.  i wish i had xanga all teh time at home... i feel that this has become more like my daily occurances rather then my deeper thoughts... when i have a thought i dont have access to xanga... but i guess my notebook is reeping the benefits of it!  bye :)