My parents are bastards..I don't care what anyone else says..they are!  Grrr...well now that that is over..I swear if I don't to FL for school and instead go to VA then I'm moving out and into an apartment with someone because i don't think I could stand living with my parents after graduation next year..grrr...right then..I'm extremely bored..nothing to do and I'm stuck in my house with my insane parents *glares in direction of said parents* SOMEONE TAKE ME AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS PLEASE!  Also..only one more thing I swear cuz I'm getting a headache...I am one seriously fucked up person..most of the reasons I feel this way are too embarassing to put out and therefore you will not here my arguement but just trust me when I say that I am seriously fucked up!  Ok..thas it..someone take me out to a movie..away from my parents for a least a few hours..thas all I ask!  Hmm...if not..I'll see everything later!  Ciao!

It's funny how things are...one minute you're happy and the next you're sad.  Now I know how my sister felt last year...around december.   How in one instant everything you've cherished in your life can be taken away, either by force or your own sheer stupidity, but I suppose in my case it's a little of both.  Nothing seems to make sense and your life keeps going in a downward spiral until you hit rock bottom, and then your parents think you're on drugs because you haven't been youself in quite awhile.  What do you do when you've lost yourself and can't understand how it came to this?  That there isn't any way you can back track and start over, that you've lost one of the only people that meant a damn to you.  That although you feel the pain that you've been suffering for months, you've cast that pain onto someone that actually gave a shit about you.  And I don't know where to go from here.  Then everything else going bad in your life adds to the shit you're already experiencing, that instead of completely crumbling under the stress you become totally numb to it all.  That you don't feel when the person you've been crushing on is seeing someone, or that your best friend has more or less told you that she hates you and to go to hell.  And the real reason why you haven't been sleeping well is because you stay up half the night just trying to cry yourself to sleep.  I've come to realize that I've hit the point of no return, that nothing will ever be the same in my life because of this, and that part of the reason was because of me and my own selfishness.  That I shut everybody out when I lost the one person who truly understood me and now I don't even have that, so to everyone I shut out..I'm truly sorry to anyone I hurt, it was not intentional.  And I'm not asking you for sympathy as I don't expect it, this is my way of getting everything out there in the open.  Because in the end, the real reason why I can't confront you is the thought of waking up one day and not having you as a friend..it scares me more than I'd like to point out, and I honestly can't imagine life without you as my friend...its just so unreal yet it seems to be reality as of now.  I truly understand the reason behind why kyrs did what she did, why is your life worth living when you have nothing else to live for?  Not that I'm justifying it, just understanding, so no need to worry.  But really, what can you do when you've reached your breaking point and the person you trust the most isn't their to put back the pieces?

I slipped away further from you trying to find what is real,
You’re somebody else that I never knew, and someone that I can’t feel.

I shut it away I keep it in me. Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far; there’s no other feeling.

I slipped away closer to me the only thing that is real.
I’m falling behind and now I can see your absence helps me heal.

I shoved you away I keep you for me. Is this what it takes to keep me alive?
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far; there’s no other feeling.

Spread, Spread out.
So you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
Complicate me and forsake me, you push me out so far.
And you take me and you break me, and you see I’m falling apart.
There’s no more feeling.

~*Falling Apart*~ , Trust Company

Am I that easily forgotten?  This seems to be the primary question I ask myself now...with all this time on my hands. And trust me I have a lot...too much in fact and with that time leads to more questions and more brooding and it becomes this whole vicious cycle of self -loathing.  Venting is of course an option, but who do I vent to?  And this is of course the topic of recent vents to a good friend of mine, as she's been the one there for me constantly this whole year...not really sure what I would've done without her.  So thanks Lily...you know...for saving my sanity.  But back to the subject at hand:

I've tried to understand

Why it hurts deep inside

and I've come to realize

that this pain is because of you

Can't you see I'm lonely?

without my other half

you've ripped away a part of me

I can never get back

And you threw me to the curb

as he came into your life

did I mean nothing?

when you cast me aside

am I that easily forgettable?

for you not to give a shit inside

Are you paying attention?

all the signs are there

that you're causing me this pain

I just can't seem to bear

Must I spell it out for you

Do you even care?

You must be oblivious

because I thought I made it clear

I've been crying inside

throughtout this whole year

After everything we've been through

all the things you've seen

you continue doing this

when you put him before me

You say I don't understand

that I don't know what it's like

But I guess I can say the same to you

with you on the other side

You've said that it's been hard

 But you have no idea

what it's like, to die inside

because of someone who fucking cares

Are you paying attention?

all the signs are there

that you're causing me this pain

I just can't seem to bear

Must I spell it out for you

Do you even care?

I've tried to be subtle

about this pain that I hide

but you just can't seem to grasp

that it was because you of you this whole time

And I've tried to be understanding

but I just can't take it anymore

So I'm trying to tell you how I feel

yet I can't find the words

this pain is tearing me apart

it's the only thing I know

You're usually the one to help me

But you just keep adding to it

Do you not see

that you're making me insane

And that this is why

I keep running away

Are you paying attention?

all the signs are there

that you're causing me this pain

I just can't seem to bear

Must I spell it out for you

Do you even care?

I often wonder

when I'm all alone

how you didn't know

since we've been friends

for this long

how you couldn't see it show

All my silent suffering

couldn't you see it in my eyes?

I would have thought

after this many years

that you would've seen through my lies

Are you paying attention?

all the signs are there

that you're causing me this pain

I just can't seem to bear

Must I spell it out for you

Do you even care?

You must think me selfish

for saying this outloud

that I have feelings too you know

you've seemed to have forgotten about

Do you really think

that things can stay the same

After everything you put me through

after all the pain?

Was it worth it?

Now that you know the truth

to just let me go

even though you know

that I'd always be there for you

Are you paying attention?

all the signs are there

that you're causing me this pain

I just can't seem to bear

Must I spell it out for you

Do you even fucking care?

~*Hollow*~ 

Note to my inspiration:

I've always been there

before he came into the picture

and I always will be, don't worry,

when he leaves forever

First off...no I'm not taking drugs or becoming suicidal on you here and secondly, yes those are my lyrics I created them for my own venting purposes...so far its the only way I've found that helps me come to terms with all the shit in my life.  With that said and done, Later!