the past few weeks have been pretty confusing for me. i dont understand how i feel about alot of things. i guess im a lot more calm now about stuff. im getting over matt. i really dont understand why its so hard to get over him i mean i never even went out with him. i need to learn not to be so desperate around guys and bug them all the time, because obviously after these two guys just stop talking to me it means that im being too clingy. i tried to work out on monday night to get my mind off of things. i was going to do it everyday but i cant. i wish there was something that i could do to take my mind off of things. this campus is so boring that there isnt anything really to do. i mean i could go for walks but its getting colder. speaking of colder i think that the weather is starting to affect my S.A.D. it sucks a bit. i pray all the time that my life would turn out a lot better than it is now. i guess i just need to pray on changing myself and not my life. i know that there are a lot of people out there who are less fortunate than me so i should be greatful. but alls im asking for is a simple thing. just to be different. if i was different then i think that my life would be better. different i mean like more outgoing and a lot more happy with myself. i try. really i do. for now i guess il draw or read a book haha


love, peace and chicken grease.


p.s if anyone ever reads this stuff, i recommend listening to Explosions In The Sky (great band from Texas) if your ever feeling overwhelmed or stressed out. its just all instrumental and theres no singing. i love it because its so calming to listen to. haha just throwing that out there

ive been having a bad week like always. sarah came over on friday night and she was so bored it was annoying because i tried everything to make her feel better but alls she wanted to do was get high. funn. im so confused about this kid matt hes always sending me mixed signals and its annoying too!!! we dont hangout everynight like we did for the last few weeks. we just talk alot online. sometimes it feels like im being annoying to him but i cant really tell. today i told him that when he stops talking for a long time it seems like he doesnt want to talk and he said thats not true hes just playing video games or something and that he likes talking to me. i dont want to wait anymore for him to make a move or something. idk if he likes me as a friend or something more i wanna ask him soo badly but im afraid. omg today i did a presentation in ppp class where i was supposed to memorize a sonnet and i did.  i freaked out when i got up in front of the class. it was sooooo embarrasing. my lip started to shake and i studdered i kept on starting over and ughhh i wanted to die!! this kid i like was in that class and it was just embarrassing ugh. i cant stop thinking about it. im seriouslly thinking about going to a therapist because i have social problems and i keep getting paranoid over stupid shit.  i just want everything to be alright all the time but it cant be. i want matt to tell me how he feels i wanna go out with someone i wanna have fun in this stinkin shit hole!!


crapp i hate this feeling

ok so idk if ive already wrote something about this but ive met another guy. yeah i know its weird and too fast. so dave stopped talking to me and i kinda got over it...but i met matt at one of my friends rooms. we have been talking online ever since but its kinda weird to talk in person. hes really really shy and idk how to talk around him with out it being akward. ok so its a long story and everything is complicated. i know he likes me because my roommates bf told me basically and the thing is that it just might not work out. i tried to talk to him and even sit close to him but idk. he recently broke up with his girlfriend in aug and i think thats why. dave didnt want a relationship (and thats why he ignored me cuz he thought i wanted to go out with him which i kinda did but i told him i didnt want to blah i know thats stupid) so i was worrying that matt felt the same way but they are completely opposite of eachother. the thing is he doesnt drink and i just got kinda upset that he didnt want to come with me to this off campus party tonight. but last night we went together and it was akward so we both left. i guess thats the reason why. but idk its all complicated and i really like him but im afraid that im going too fast and that he doesnt feel the same with me. i should listen to what my friends say which is just let it go and watch it work itself out. i cant force anyone to like me and i have to stop being so desperate to have someone. im trying really hard to just socialize and talk with different guys. i think its just that since i actually made out with some guy that i liked it improved my confidence to advance to other guys. sorry that was a long weird sentence. also i could tell that matt hates it when im drunk cuz he doesnt drink and also cuz i get very paranoid (my friends always get mad and i hate it when ppl get mad at me). the thing is idk why i like him so much. maybe its cuz his eyes are so blue and pretty. idk im being really really stupid right now because im just having a freak out attack. ok lol so from now on i am going to stop obsessing over this guy because its really not worth it and im going to just try harder to be myself around guys (which is hard lol). i need to get over my lonely, shy problem and just socialize. i hope everything works out ok this semester.
love peace and chicken grease.

p.s that was super long and pointless but i just had to rant and im sorry if it all sounded random

p.p.s i miss my mom, cats and doggie in alabama and i sooo wish i could be there with them right now