this morning i was rushing around in tearful panic, trying to get everything done before i had to go to work. i hate that kind of morning.

 no time for tea. no time to focus your thoughts.

just wake up take a shower eat a peice of toast kind of day. my mom grabs my shoulders and tells me it wouild help if i read my bible and pray for a few minutes. i almost get angry. how can spending time with God  give me more time?  but i feel better after wards.

mr. benson taught sunday school yesterday, i was a little bit convicted about my lack of bible reading/spending time with God. isnt this the hallmark of christianity? to know God personally? yet i ignore him most of the time. i dont tell him whats going on with me cuz i figure, he knows everything already since in fact he is the God of the Universe. just a few months ago, i never thought i would miss my devotion every morning, because i had been doing this out of formality since i was eight years old. things get hectic now, and my mornings are spent sleeping in those extra 15 minutes before work. lately my prayers have been shallow and i sort of just flip through the bible wondering what to read.

christian boredom.

its a disease.

i dont want summer to end. i'm afraid of living in the winter because winter kills everything. last year was hard to get through, hopefully this year will be better. i'll try harder and i'll practice my breathing everyday. i'll put my faith in the right person.

i dont know if i listened much to the teaching this morning. i was preoccupied with my thoughts about somebody. i guess alot of people do that, and eventually you just forget what you hear. in one ear and...you know the rest.

drew let me in the band, so i'm playing electric. its good for me.

harlot in his gaze she is an adulteress with wine on her lips. her jewelry shines upon her bronze breasts and everything except her heart is golden. he takes her in his hands. but she is drunk with herself. he attemps to lead the dance. he sings to her out loud. wait for me beloved, i come by night. i'll steal you like a theif and we will run away together. run and believe.

-savannah

as the summer ends itself i feel as if something ends in me also. i no longer percieve God as a hand holding a chart of my merits and demerits, hovering over earth, waiting to tally a mark for me or against me. i no longer percieve God as compliant, lounging on a celestial cloud, smoothing over my sins with a , "thats ok, savannah. just try harder next time." its silly how much we portraitize God. but indeed, God is a portrait in my mind, and as i get older, the portrait changes shape and form. i understand that it is not God changing (God never changes) but that my perception of  God changes. matures.

The chart of my merits and demerits has disapeared, for there is no hope that my good works could outweigh my bad works. in any case, God is not concerened with my attempts to make up the difference. he knows i am in way over my head. he doesnt pretend. he is serious about the way i have treated him. i cant "try harder next time" because no matter how hard i try, i always fail. he knows this.

my true image of God is boldly merciful toward a humbled human heart. he says, "this is who iv'e made and although i cannot abide her sin, i love her. how can i not love the work of my own hands?" so he makes atonement. instead of me bearing the penalty of my sin, jesus christ bears it himself. jesus, who was wholly sinless in the first place.

who is God?

i cannot aptly describe God except to say that he is neither overbearing nor compliant. he is beyond means of explanation, and there isnt a word in my dictionary to sum up all that he is. all i know is that i depend upon his grace, and my life revolves around his existence.