Is it possible to know you still have love for someone, and still care about their wellbeing, but not want to talk to them, even if they seem in need?  Maybe I'm just telling myself that it is because it kills me to speak to her anymore.  Then again, we've been over for two months, I feel ready to be myself again with or without her as any part of my life, so should she still be able to put it on me to cure what ails her?  Not surprisingly, my having to continually work to cheer her up was a large part of the reason things ended, yet she never understood that and still sees me as selfish for ending things on those grounds--it was just expected that I take care of her.  So I'm coming to believe that no, I don't have to fix her anymore because it hurts me to do so.  If we can move on to be friends on a semi-normal basis I would love to continue to be a part of her life, but if we continue this cycle of "I love you, I miss you, come back to me" and "You're a selfish asshole because you didn't return my 5 am phone calls the last two nights" I think I can live with her considering me a selfish asshole.  I'd love to hear any opinions on this matter though, because if I truly am the selfish ass I'm said to be, it would be a good deal to revamp my outlook...

--Nick

Hello again,

      It's been a long time since my last entry and oh so much has happened.  Still lovin' life, although school has become a bit more trying this semester--I've actually had to go to like 80% of my classes and study for as much as 3 hours before some tests!  I don't know about you, but I find that shocking and appalling...lol.  So as far as grades go, I've been doing somewhere between the bare minumum and nothing at all in work outside of class, and by the look of it I'm still in the 3.25-3.5 GPA range, so I'm not complainin'.

      Earlier this semester I got a job at the Buckle for like 3 weeks.  The discount was nice so I expanded my sad wardrobe, but the job wasn't working for me because we were paid on commission which made it quite tough to gather any flow unless the place was packed.  I have intentions of getting a job sometime next semester, but I'm not extremely concerned about the whole deal.

      The girl situation is in need of some updating--I met someone at the lake this summer and have grown consistently closer to her since then.  The major downfall of this is that she lives in a suburb of St. Paul, roughly 4.5 hours away from me.  I have fallen hard for the girl, so thus far we've been making things work, and hopefully it keeps going well.  Although I feel strongly for her, I'm not looking far into the future, just because that's my nature.  Likin' things right now, but things always change, so I'll take life as it comes.

       Nothin too much else to add, other than a few broad thoughts--the more I attend school and see what this world has to offer, the more appreciation i have for the farm life.  It's nice and laid back, albeit there is plenty of work to be done, but you control the pace of your life so much more than people seem able to elsewhere.  Another broad thought--I have to travel this world throughout my life, whether I frequently take up residence in new countries, or simply take vacations from time to time, there are few stronger urges I feel than to experience all that's out there and see if I can find a place more fitting to my mindset than these United States.  That's probably all for now, but before I leave, just gotta say I'm pumped for my trip to Banff, Canada over New Year's--I am terrible at snowboarding(probably because I've only done it once), but it's a blast and Banff is an incredible place, so that should be a great time as it was last spring break.

Love Ya'll, drop me a line sometime...

Nick

P.S.  Hopefully I'll update this thing just a bit more regularly in the future.

Hello Peoples,

     It's been forever yet again, and I'd like to say I've been super busy all summer, but I really haven't been too terribly occupied until just recently.  We began filming "Hometown Assassins" (the dark comedy im starring in this summer) on Monday.  It's been a ton of fun so far and looking to be nothing but the same for the duration of filming.  I will admit it's a lot of work, but the cast is great and the end product should prove quite entertaining as well.  I'll do my best to keep y'all updated, and should have a website for you to check out sometime in the near future. 

      The only other thing that's happened this summer worth writing about is that Steph and I are no longer together.  I chose to end things with her, and I will admit I ended them possibly earlier than necessary from most perspectives.  It hurts me so much to know the pain I put her through, but I just wish she could understand and accept my reasons.  How much I care for her hasn't changed a bit because I would still do anything for her.  I ended the relationship because I knew that it wasn't working for me like I am sure a relationship between the two of us could, and I was sure I'd hurt her more the longer this relationship continued.  I think we could definitely get back together sometime in the future, if in fact she still would whenever I am able to figure my own life out.  Part of the reason I think this break up was so hard for her to understand is that she feels if you care for someone as much as I do for her, then there is no reason not to be together.  I really think that there can be reasons to spend a bit of time apart, and for me a big reason is knowing oneself before being able to know oneself as defined in a relationship.  I know I can be so much better for her once I have an idea of the direction I want my own life to take, but it's too early for me to have that idea.  I also believe that she needs to know herself better on her own, because she has spent much more of her early adulthood being defined with someone, and maybe not enough time learning to define who she is, who she is by herself and not who she is with another person, be it a boyfriend or even her parents to a degree.  I want only the best for her, and I have never stopped trying to create that.

Love y'all,

Nick