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tanakasaurus
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Name: Caroline
Birthday: 5/19/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: Umm... stuff? I'm-a math major who wants to be an actuary and house a professional hobo friend of mine if she doesn't become preseident. I wanted to go into voice overs (yeah, including voice-overs and the such as like that) once, but maybe am thinking of doing that on the side if at all or teaching math as a last resort. (I've got generations of poor teachers in my families and I want to escape the family low-income curse if possible) So, actuary it is! YAY MATH! \/\/00t to the N3RD5! Uh... I like punk rock and crazy cool bands, like, anything from Family Force 5 or House of Heroes to Blondie or the Eurythmics. Uh... dood, catch me back later when I have more brainpower, and I can give a much wittier answer to these questions.
Expertise: Baking, Public Speaking, Randomness, Mathematicality, Dancing, Songwriting, Howling, Imitating Certain Animal Noises
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  tanakasaurus
MSN: IchibanMioChan
ICQ:  35388163
Yahoo:  IchibanMioChan
Member Since:
7/1/2004
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| Take Me HomeI want to go home! Right now! Ugh! I want to hang out super late with my peeps and... ugh, I feel like I wasted away my vacation... Y'all saw me (some of you). I was stupid! Nervous wreck for no good reason! Idiot! I am such an idiot sometimes! A lot of times... most of times, it feels like right now. Trying to be positive about this semester, but... I don't wanna! Not again! Yargs! Finding out how much work is necessary and how much is not is hard... I fear I may be on the side of not enough right now, and I fear getting much in the way of behind, again... I dunno, also I feel kinda stupid, as if other people get amazing grades without even trying and I'm working my butt off unecessarily... but I don't want to be a slacker! Yargs!
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| Dance PartyWhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Been locked up in the house too long, dawwwg. Was totally out of it yesterday and today I have an irresistable urge to go out and do something crazy, like, go clubbing/dancing/partying or something. Gonna 'sploooooooooooooode! Anyway, dood, it was good to be home... I'm-a leavin' Sunday... didn't get to hang out with all my peeps but 'tis cool, 'tis cool. Hopefully I'll get to go out and do SOMETHING tonight before I go crazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzy. Then again, you know I' crazy, foo. Latah hatahs.
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| Perspective and Self-DialougeWhat a warped perspective I've found myself in. I asked myself what the most important thing I could do in the next few weeks or so was and I answered, "pass all my finals and classes;" okay, not just pass, but do extremely WELL, says the back of my mind. I fear failure too much. I fear imperfection too much. I fear them both simultaneously painting start monochrome portraits of never-ending missing the mark. Something is wrong here; my schooling does not define me. I kinda let it in high school at first then let it go a bit more then it was there a little near the end... but I'm major letting it now. Why? Do I think that college is such a bigger deal? Well, it's not. My dad slacked and ended up fine. Why do I think this is hard? It's not. Okay, so maybe it is hard, but I can do it. I wouldn't've made it in here if I couldn't. But I'm different now and can't.
NO, I'm not; I CAN. I've just over-worked myself in expectation that this would be extremely difficult. Since I'm a bit passed burn out, my perspective is a bit fuzzy. Okay, my perspective is way fuzzy. Okay, it's not fuzzy; it's growing long tresses and swishing them around for a fashion show. How did I get here?
I'll tell you: stressing out. But now that I'm in a little deep it's hard to get out. The stressing has crept into every crevace of my being. Myself in one word: anxiety. I'm building up unecessary pressure over things. Thanks to prayers and such, it has been reduced and is on the declinish... ish. It's still not that great at all. I need help; I need to be reminded of the true source of my identity; I need to learn to go braindead every once in a while; I need to remind myself of how to take a break. I've tackled this before and can again. It'll take a little time, though. I can't expect everything to snap away tomorrow. It's just hard to believe that it will at all sometimes. I need to relax so I stress about relaxing and stress about not being relaxed because if I don't relax then there will be too much stress but stressing about relaxing just creates more stress. But I've just got to tell myself that it's not a never-ending cycle; it's not spinning out of control. Now is not as critical as it seems. But saying and believing are two different things.
ARG! Enough of that! Thinking about that will not help anything right now. Positive replacement vision: I take a deep breath and say a prayer and I will start acting completely normal from now on and act like the me I know and love: worry free and fun. *breathes in and squeezes shut her eyes* *gives up and exhales* Not happening. How much is realistic progress? I'm running out of time... I need to get over this before exams or else it might cause me to... DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT! I've been living inside my own head too much. I think I've literally lost myself in my textbooks, in my classes, in my education. *madly flips through the pages* Come back! Where are you? Caroline, you're not economics, calculus, french, theology, wellness, speech! But you sold yourself to them! Now come back before they consume the rest of you!
Boy do I have a flare for the dramatic. I swear, I could write an entire monologue play... Perhaps I exaggerate a bit (I learn from the best) but this is how I feel. I feel tense. I feel it's unnecessary. I feel like I'm not thriving. I am a shadow of myself derived from poor choices and over-emphasis of school. Where are anti-derivatives when you need them in real life? Ah... self-expression. This is an amazing thing that hasn't occured in sufficient frequency or intensity, I think... Inter-action is key. If I just dialouge with myself, this is what I get: distorted lies and gibberish and stress and emptiness and negativity and all at a top-notch evangelical university no less. Oh, how the days turn to weeks and weeks to days until time has so much meaning that it disapates into oblivion: a swirling mass of chaos heating up never to bang. POW! Well, I'm going to make an appearance at some random event going on in my dorm lobby tonight. Then, I am going to bed. Good night everyone; I hope I haven't worried you too much. That's one of the worst things I could possibly do.
EDIT: I just realized there is no music... this is representative as well... oh, how I need to let my other half come alive...
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| Thanks!Thanks to all the people for all the love and prayers! Okay, well, that is all. Good night!
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Hope you're all well.