Interests:Boredom, tedium and other non-interesting things. Expertise:Profanity. No, seriously. I can create a symphony of swear words when caught in the right mood. Occupation:Pawn in The Man's game! Industry:Import/export
I
have a friend with a bit of a Charlie Gibson fetish. Don't ask me why.
She thinks he's the shit, but honestly, I don't get the fascination
with a milquetoast guy in a tie that reads the news in a very
non-threatening, non-exciting manner
Professionalism is all well and good, but it doesn't get you noticed, ya know?
So,
when the news broke that Charlie Gibson would get the first opportunity
to interview Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, I had
the same thought that most probably had.
"Softball".
The
Republicans are being very protective of Palin. Guarding her from the
press and preparing her for questions. "We'll let her talk when we feel
she's ready", they said when asked when Palin would be open for
interviews.
So, the first interview would be with the agreeable,
grandfatherly Gibson. Obviously they wanted someone to take it easy on
her so she could "hit one out of the park".
Unfortunately for Palin, I think someone forgot to tell Charlie.
This
interview wasn't a cakewalk. Charlie seemed to take pride in re-asking
a question as Palin tried the usual political mumbo-jumbo double talk
without actually saying anything. Charlie seemed to relish the moment
when he corrected Palin on her knowledge of the Bush Doctrine. It
seemed like Charlie practiced that condescending "over the glasses"
look to perfection before the meeting.
In
short, he asked her some tough questions. He confronted her on some of
the reported inconsistencies between what she's saying and what she's
done. And he refused to let her off the hook when she talked in
circles, one time even telling her, "I got lost in a blizzard of words
there… was that a YES"?
While I'm not a Palin fan at all, she
wasn't a complete failure in this interview. She was able to eventually
work her way into an answer or two and even when backpedaling, she
looks calm and collected in front of the camera. With more coaching and
a more cooperative (wink wink) interviewer, she could have a really
strong showing next time.
Metaphorically speaking, Sarah Palin
was expecting Charlie to take her out for a nice, dinner and a movie,
followed by a moonlight walk around the park, some gentile conversation
and a kiss on the cheek at the doorstep. Instead, Charlie got her drunk
at a dive bar, took her in to the men's room, bent her over the sink,
tagged her from behind and left wadded-up cab fare as he zipped up and
left.
So, I will admit when I'm wrong… and I was wrong about Charlie Gibson. He is THE MAN.
And
if this is what Palin gets when she's interviewed by a "softie" like
Gibson, I can't wait to see what happens when the LIBERAL media gets a
hold of her.
So, I'm watching yet ANOTHER American version of a Japanese game show and I've come to a conclusion.
The Japanese may be retarded.
Not "A" Japanese may be retarded… "THE" Japanese may be retarded… as in ALL OF THEM.
I
mean, how the hell can the same culture that produces superior
automobiles, timepieces and electronics also be responsible for those
crazy adult obstacle course game shows?
OK. Granted, when an
adult gets unexpectedly whacked in the nuts by a kid with a whiffle
ball bat, it's funny – as has been proven by America's Funniest Home
Videos every Sunday for like 15 years.
But when a grown-ass man CHOOSES dress like an insect and splat himself on a giant windshield,
or tries to jump across a bridge of giant rubber balls,
or tries to fit their fat asses through an oddly-shaped hole in a moving styrofoam wall
for a measley $5,000 prize, it's not funny. It's just plain stupid… and a little sad.
I'm absolutely flabbergasted at the idiocy of Japanese Television. They should be embarrassed. I need to clear my head... erase the moronic images that have violated my eyes for the past half hour... now what channel is that "Bad Girl's Club" marathon?
CLICK
So, what's up with this Pizza Hut commercial advertising their new pasta dinners: "We secretly replaced the pasta dishes at this upscale Italian restaurant with Pizza Hut pasta."
They show us the reaction of the people as they are interviewed about the dishes they have been trying: "It's delicious. Really decadent. I LOVE the bacon and cheese!"
Seriously...
you expect me to believe that some "everyday Joe" uses the word
"decadent" when describing a plate of mac & cheese with bacon? No
way are these unsolicited or unscripted responses.
The reaction I WANT to see is the guy who's pissed: "Yeah,
the food is OK... but your upscale Italian restaurant is charging me 22
fucking dollars for a 3 dollar box of pasta from a fast food joint!"
Then I might believe it's real.
CLICK
Oh great. I see the Freecreditreport Dot Com guy has a new commercial out. This time he's riding a bike and rapping.
"F to the R to the E to the E…"
Holy
Friggin Christ! Canada is already responsible for synchronized
swimming, Anne Murray, and knife-wielding cannibal bus killers... and
now this?
Is there any way we can give Canada back to France? They OBVIOUSLY can't be trusted to be an independent nation any more.
CLICK
Ahh. My favorite show: Those Crazy Anthonys!
Holy shit. This story is so long, so convoluted and so unbelievable, it makes The Bible look like a non-fiction pamphlet.
Here's the short version:
22yr
old mom (Casey Anthony) goes from mid-June through mid-July running
around town, shacking up with various friends and partying. When her
mom, Cindy Anthony (the child's grandmother) finally tracks her down
and asks her where her 3-year-old daughter (Caylee Anthony) is, 22yr
old mom claims the babysitter took her. The police are called.
Now, instead of helping Law Enforcement find the baby, 22yr old mom lies. And I don't mean, "Um... I can't remember,"
kind of lies. I mean, long, drawn-out, intricate lies. She makes up
names, dates and addresses for all kinds of people and places. As soon
as the Orange County Sheriff's Department starts checking her story,
they realize she's full of shit. And from that point, she has said NOTHING NEW regarding the whereabouts of her daughter.
So here we are. A month and a half after the baby was reported missing... TWO AND A HALF MONTHS
after the baby was last seen, and we have no idea where she is and it
appears as if none of the family is assisting in finding her.
Now, that in and of itself is enough of a story. But when we add:
- A controlling, spotlight-hungry grandmother who loves to deflect interview questions (Cindy Anthony) - An ex-cop grandfather who wanders around his house with a hammer and a short fuse (George Anthony) - A car that was impounded and smelled like "rotted flesh" - A questionable defense attorney (Jose Baez) who claims, "It will all be made clear" - A toothpick-chewin' black hat wearin' bounty hunter with his own reality TV show who boldly claims, "Give me 24 hours and I'll find the girl." (Leonard Padilla) -
A non-profit group from Texas who arrives in Orlando to look for the
girl (Texas Equisearch) and receives no assistance from the family - An angry community that angrily protests in front of the family's house -
The tidbits of evidence that have been released to the media including
DNA identification of the girl's hair in the trunk of the smelly car,
an air sample from the trunk of that same car coming back positive for
'human decomposition', and large quantities of chloroform detected in
that same car
We got a goddamn soap opera. Every hour there are
"breaking news updates!" there are webcams focused on the family's
house getting tens if not hundreds of thousands of hits each day. There
are interviews with the family, law enforcement, lawyers, bail
bondsmen, forensic experts and protesters every day. The local
newspaper has given up writing new articles on the story and has
instead gone to a "blog format" so they can add frequent updates. The
community at large has suddenly become amateur CSI via their blog
comments:
"Has LE ("law enforcement") dug up the concrete patio in the back yard?" "The ladder on the pool was left down – it's obvious the baby drowned and the family is covering it up!" "Chloroform is used in making drugs – they need to start interviewing local drug dealers!"
Every day there are new revelations and the drama just keeps going and going and going.
I
wish this were taking place far away so I could separate myself from
the story and enjoy the absurdity of it all, but unfortunately the
family lives about two miles from me. And every other day, as I drive
around, I see search groups going through the wooded areas and
retention ponds nearby.
And most importantly, this is an
actual little girl who is missing… which takes the "absurd" and changes
it to "infuriating". I mean, just the thought that the family knows
what happened to their little girl, and their refusal to say or do
anything about it is what makes this soap opera both riveting AND
unwatchable.
… kinda like the train wreck that is Kirstie Alley.
So, John McCain tried to steal the piss from the Democratic Convention by introducing Sarah Palin as his running mate last week.
No... "Sarah Palin"... she's the Governor of Alaska.
No... "Alaska"... I think it's like a province of Canada or something.
I
must applaud McCain's cunning and savvy. Just when it looked like the
polish might be dulling a bit on Obama's turd, and that McCain could be
making some headway in the polls, he miraculously pulled defeat out of
the jaws of victory.
OK. Maybe he wasn't really making
headway. And maybe "victory" wasn't really within his reach. But he
sure stepped in a big pile of political shit with this one.
First
of all, one of McCain's big criticisms of Barack Obama is his lack of
experience. But he turns around and chooses the LEAST experienced
legislator out there. She didn't win her first "non-local" government
election until 2006... which means she only has two more years
experience than I do.
I know. I hear the Republican spin by saying, "Sarah Palin has more EXECUTIVE experience than Obama and Biden because she is a Governor whereas they are only Senators."
Um.
She governs over about 600,000 people. The friggin' Mayor of
Jacksonville has more constituents... and he doesn't get snowed in for
three months of the year.
Sure. The Governor is THE top position
in the state of Alaska. But being the Governor of Alaska is roughly
equivalent to being the CEO of a business... that manufactures and
sells non-carbonated soft drinks... from a particle board lemonade
stand... at the end of the driveway... for 25 cents a glass.
Then,
there's her previous political history. She used to belong to (and
STILL sympathizes with) the Alaskan Independence Party. This is a group
that is calling for a referendum allowing Alaska to secede from the
union. So, while she loves Alaska, it appears that she might not like
the other 49 states that much. That's DEFINITELY a quality I look for
in my vice president.
I'm guessing that this decision might
be at least a partial attempt by the Republicans to steal some Hillary
supporters away from Obama... but I certainly hope voters will be
smarter than that. I mean, she's so right wing, she makes Rush Limbaugh
look like Alan Colmes... if he had sex with Al Franken... and then
Rosie O'Donnell came over and joined in...
OK. I just made myself a little nauseous on that one.
Sure,
there is the unorthodox practice of getting pregnant as a 43 year old
Governor and hiding it from everyone. And there is the fact that while
she preaches abstinence until marriage, her unmarried,17 year old
daughter is pregnant (of course, I'm assuming the pregnancy originated
through pre-marital sex... but I could be wrong).
Add to that
the DUI that her husband was charged with 20 years ago... And this
lawsuit being levied against her for the alleged inappropriate firing
of her Public Safety Commissioner in a family-related dispute... And
the contradictions between her preaching against governmental waste and
her practice of receiving funds for wasteful projects... And her
ability to interpret God's will for the rest of us...
And you have the makings of a GREAT campaign... if you're a sketch writer for a topical comedy program.
Frankly,
she doesn't impress me. I'll admit her ability to make difficult
decisions in the name of fiscal responsibility is admirable, but her
uber-conservative platform is what the rest of us are trying to dig out
from under at this point.
And no. I probably won't be watching
her speech tonight. I didn't watch any of the Democratic Convention,
why should I watch the Republicans? These conventions mean nothing in
the grand scheme of things anyway. They're just an excuse to spend a
shitload of money for what boils down to a pep-rally filled with people
who like to WHOOP, clap and dance like nerdy white guys.
I mean,
maybe if we dolled the delegates up in cheerleaders' costumes... with
megaphones and pom-poms, MAYBE I might watch. But an arena full of
middle aged, responsible adults act like doe-eyed girls at a Beatles
concert is really creepy.
Besides, I couldn't care less about what Palin has to say. I'm more concerned about who she is.
And while I thought that as far as Republicans go, McCain wasn't a bad
choice... now I'm not so sure if this is what he chooses as his right
hand man.
I mean, it took roughly 15 minutes for the media to
dig up a laundry list of political ethical and personal issues with
this woman. But other than all that stuff, I really have to question
her judgment. For someone who is supposed to be all "family values",
why would she willingly subject her family to all the crap they will
now have to go through?
If throwing your obviously flawed family
(hey – we ALL have family issues... but the rest of us aren't opening
ourselves up to this level of scrutiny) out to the wolves is your
version of "Family Values"... then I want no part of your family.
Honestly,
the only positive thing I can say about her is that for the first time
in history, I'm actually HOPING for nude photos of a vice presidential
candidate to surface.
I'm currently teetering on the precipice of a major life adjustment.
I've
grown weary of the direction I've been traveling. So, instead of
spending all my time working, raising kids and dating, I'm going to
make more time for me. That's right - I need more ME time.
So, here's the plan:
1)
In order to pay the bills, I HAVE to work… but I don't have to be so
damn good at it. So, maybe I should slack off a bit. Instead of 8 hours
at 110 percent, I'm thinking maybe six and a half hours at 80 percent.
That saves like 360 hours for ME.
2) These damn kids like to
THINK they know it all but apparently they don't know how to minimize
fractions, hook up the modem to their XBox or make their own dinner. So
I'll continue to support them where they need it – but no more coddling
them by cleaning up their messes or doing their dishes or finding the
answers for their homework. It's time to start pushing them out of the
nest, no matter how tightly they cling to the ledge (it's amazing how
tightly a 10 year old can cling though, ainnit?) That should save ME
another two hours a day, five days a week.
3) There is way too
much effort going into dating these days. The calls, the emails, the
planning weekends months in advance with people you don't even know if
you really like or not… So, it's time to dial it way back. From now on,
the weekends are mine and mine alone. That's another 30 hours for ME.
There. I just created another 400 hours a week of ME time.
Time
that I can spend driving around with the camera. Time that I can use to
go see shitty bands play in shitty bars. Time that I can lie in bed and
watch TV.
ME time.
So, I got a head start on my new ME
schedule a couple of weeks ago when Tropical Storm Fay pissed on us for
like a week straight.
[[
Seriously, why even bother naming a storm until it becomes a hurricane?
I mean, "Tropical Storm Anything" is an insult. It's like being told,
"You're ALMOST serious enough for us to remember you… but not quite".
It's
like being named "6th man" or "assistant janitor" or "vice president".
No one's going to remember you when your tenure is through, so why
bother? ]]
I
had plans to go out but canceled because of the storm. Good thing I
did, too. I know a few of the outlying areas really got flooded out,
but here in Orlando, it wasn't pretty. If I had gone out, there was a
good chance that I might have gotten my socks wet in that big puddle in
the parking lot.
Seriously! Have you ever gone out with wet socks? Not pleasant!
Then,
last Saturday, I was all psyched to go out to the Peacock Room (local
Orlando club that is all artsy on one side, with a stage playing cool
bands on the other side) to check out a couple local bands - The Country Slashers and Rocket 88 – but I didn't make it. The show started at 10. I ended up falling asleep at like 9:30.
Now,
in all honesty, I HAVE been working quite a bit lately, and I was
pretty tired because of it. Back in the day, when I was young and
vibrant, I used to be able to muster up a couple extra hours of
consciousness to enjoy some good ol' fashioned rock-n-roll.
But not this time.
For some reason, I decided to go lay down and watch Survivorman
[[ You know, the Canadian "survivor dude"… not the British "survivor dude".
Now, many people have already chosen sides on the "Best Survivor Dude" argument. I have as well.
"Man
Vs. Wild" stars Bear Grylls – British Special Forces Soldier - who
shows us how to construct a sleeping bag out of a dead camel to survive
the cold nights in the desert. He's handsome, foreign and surrounded by
a film and sound crew everywhere he goes.
"Survivorman"
stars Les Stroud – Canadian musician(!) - who shows us how to survive
in unlikely conditions with a limited supply of provisions. He's a bit
pudgy, balding and acts as his own film crew while out in the wild.
While
Grylls has situations staged to demonstrate survival techniques, Stroud
not only encounters his issues on his own, but he has to set up
multiple cameras to make sure his struggles are filmed successfully.
If
Grylls is stuck or injured, he always has at least a couple of people
with him to provide support. If Stroud is stuck, he's fucked until his
"rescue party" realizes he hasn't made it to the rendezvous point. Then
he has to HOPE they can track back to where he might be.
Finally,
Grylls is an ex-military man. Special Forces are trained to survive in
extreme situations. Think Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator… only
without the shape shifting rasta-haired armadillo-looking alien trying
to kill him. Surviving a long weekend in the wasteland of Patagonia
should be a piece of cake.
Stroud was a
friggin' musician. I know musicians. They can't balance a checkbook,
let alone survive a week in the Amazon Jungle with an empty plastic
water bottle, a Leatherman tool and a harmonica.
So,
while Bear Grylls makes it a point to bite into some huge, disgusting
insect in every episode, then comment on how it tastes like, "salty
phlegm", Les Stroud is the REAL survivor… because he has to survive
while carrying three or more cameras and setting them up BY HIMSELF to
document his adventures.
Therefore, Survivorman beats Man Vs. Wild… hands down. ]]
and fifteen minutes later, I was done… gone… out. Like Rodney King after a high-speed chase in his Hyundai, I was beat. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up 10 hours later.
Was I disappointed that I missed the bands? Not really. Because while I really like live music… I LOVE sleep!
So, fast-forward to THIS weekend.
I thought about taking the camera out looking for old buildings to shoot, but I've been feeling a cold
coming on since Tuesday and with the flooding and the mosquitoes, I
decided to just stay in and relax. So, I hooked up the surround sound
amp and I'm sitting here watching L.A Confidential on Encore because I
need to make sure the amp is working properly.
[[
L.A. Confidential is one of those movies that SHOULD be mentioned in
everyone's lists of favorites, but never is. It's a classic 50's pulp
novel brought to life in the 90's.
It stars Russell Crowe before he was a telephone-assaulting nut-job.
It stars Kevin Spacey before he was a sexually ambiguous parody of himself.
And this guy who I've seen a million times, but I STILL don't know his name. I only know him as "Memento Dude".
But still, it's a GREAT movie and it should be included on everyone's top ten list. ]]
And
I must say, the surround sound is INCREDIBLE. I mean, the dialogue and
the gunfights are nice and all... but the background noise…. like the
subtle dog barks in the rear channels… are AWESOME!
… and then I realized they were actual dog barks from the actual dog who actually lives upstairs.
Amazingly,
the little bastard knows enough to only bark during quiet, outdoor
scenes… exactly where a dog bark should be included in the soundtrack –
if the director was to put one in there.
Good dog.
Well,
except for that one sex scene with Crowe and Kim Bassinger. I thought
the dog barking during that was a little out of place… but you never
know how freaky those couples were in the 50's.
And, on top of
the surround amp, I recently purchased a new VCR/DVD recorder so I can
dub my old VHS recordings to DVD. So, I have a year's worth of weekends
booked as I re-watch all ten seasons of Mystery Science Theater 3000.
Then, the NEXT year will be spent re-watching all my old "Duckmans", "Freakazoids", "Space Ghosts" and "Sifl & Ollys".
Yeah... So what if I spent much of my adult life videotaping animated and/or puppet shows on TV... What are you getting at?
Oh! I see.
Um… I think I'm starting to understand why the dating hasn't gone so well.
… because you women obviously don't recognize genius when it's standing right in front of you – DUH!
Why
do the beach volleyball teams have uniform numbers? I mean, there are
only two players. Is it really necessary to have them wear the numbers
"1" and "2"?
Why not just call them, "Hey You!" and "Not you... the OTHER one!"
And just to be clear:
I dig women's beach volleyball.
_______
Down
here in Florida, we're getting pelted by a stubborn little tropical
storm that refuses to go away. It slooowly worked it's way across the
state, only to stall and change direction and is now slooowly working
it's way back across the state. There is a lot of flooding, some stiff
winds and a few affiliated tornadoes, but the biggest casualty of the
storm wasn't even really the storm's fault.
26 year-old Kevin
Kearney of Ft. Lauderdale was badly injured and taken to intensive care
after trying to kite-surf in the storm. While he was tethered to his
kite, the wind picked him up and slammed him into the sand, then picked
him up again and slammed him into the wall of a building.
And luckily his friends had the video camera rolling..
It's times like these that I think there may really be a God.
No.
Not because it's a miracle he was able to survive such a terrible
accident. But because the otherworldly bitchslapping this moron
received was caught on tape and immediately broadcast across the
country. I think this could be a case of our Benevolent Creator putting
his foot down and pulling a few strings in order to send out a message:
"Stop being a douche!"
And
by catapulting this one idiot into a concrete concussion, he may have
alerted an entire nation of jackasses that such idiocy is just, plain
stupid.
Kinda like when He was pissed at Mel Gibson's
capitalizing on His name with that hideously offensive "Passion" movie
and smote ("smited"? "smittened"?) him down with a DUI.
Of
course, the threatening to use his connections to get even with the
arresting officer, the calling a female officer "Sugartits" (when
everyone knows the accepted term is "SugarBREASTS"... DUH!) and the
anti-Semitic slurs were not the work of the Almighty. That was 100%
Gibson.
After the details of the arrest were made public, God was quoted as saying, "sometimes things just work out WAAYYY better than you planned."
_________
I hate to admit it, but this guy is my new hero.
Leonard
Hare of Winter Garden, Florida was arrested for bigamy last month. He
married his wife Penny in Orlando back in 2006…. unfortunately, he was
still married to his wife Tammy in Colorado at the time... whose
wedding was illegal because he was still married to his first wife
Candy, in New York.
He at least "wooed" two of them and asked the third to marry him.
So,
how is one man able to con so many women? With the oldest scam in the
book: He told them he was a U.S. Marshal or an undercover drug
detective, which explained his long, sudden absences.
According to authorities, Hare is really a construction worker.
But surely a man with so much "game" must be one handsome sunofabitch, right?
WRONG!
Seriously… ladies… what is wrong with you?
Well,
I could go on for pages, but if I want to get lucky with the females, I
have to gain 30 pounds, grow out the goatee and try to find some way to
stretch my earlobes another inch or so.
