what a day.

yesterday, aug 2nd, was quite an interesting day if i do say so myself.

it started off by me "waking up" at my sister's apartment in minot.  i say that in quotations because i slept on a couch that was too short for me and could never quite fall asleep.  it was extremely hot in her apartment, and i found out it was because it was humid from the storm that was going on.  it was 930 (the first time i remember waking up before noon in a loooong time!) and i was like 'f it. im leavin now.'  i get ready and drive home.  oh, i was there because i saw jeff dunham the night before.  A-MA-ZING!

anywho, im driving and get a text message from a friend of mine in minnesota.  we met from me working in admissions, and im going to take some of the credit of her getting to jc (haha!).  we've been talking a lot lately, she's such a cutie!, and she asks me if i know any pippins from williston.  sort of a weird text to get at 945ish saturday morning so i reply and tell her i know denise and malcolm.  my mom knows them quite well (she works with denise and i think she went to school with malcolm).  i am constantly amazed at how small of a world it truly is because jacie's gpa is related to them.  wow.

so i continue driving.  no big deal.  come to williston, take a nap, then go to work.

im working when the regulars come in - meddy and roy.  these are 70+ yr old guys who like to come in for free coffee, hilarious really.  meddy tells me that he knows my dad.  whenever i hear this i am shocked since it seems no one knows who my father is.  he proceeds to say "he is a tall guy, with blonde...or gray hair..not sure...but he was in here once."  its hilarious because my dad's hair is to the point where it depends on how the lighting is for what the color looks like.  i died laughing since our family makes fun of that sometimes.  i was also shocked that he put it together that that was my dad.  i dont think i really said anything to him when he was in here the other day haha.  someone else brought up my dad that day, weird coincidence.

then i saw a few old classmates of mine, which is awkward.  its so weird to now run into people i used to see on a daily basis in high school. still getting used to this whole "adult" thing.

then a baseball team came in from fargo.  oh man we got ambushed, but handled it awesome-ly.  weird thing since one of the players is related to some guys that go to jc.  jc isnt a big thing in williston, so to see anything about it is rare.

every girl who works at simonsons has a guy they have a crush on.  it happens.  mine is this guy named ryan, and hes super hot.  we have some history.  ok all it is is that we flirt and he came to my table at applebees once.  he's from LA, did i say hes super hot?  anywho, tan, gorgeous blue eyes, and built.  so he came in that night asking about my birthday.  i was confused at how he knew about it and reminded me that i told him i was going to vegas for it.  well im going to vegas for my 21st bday, not 20th (this week's).  he was like "ok, but its still comin up though!" and starts walking away.  i let him know that my last day is tomorrow, and that he should come.  he then suggests we should hang out and i ask him how im supposed to get a hold of him.  he walks over and writes his number down.  i text him later, but got no response :(  ill give it another try though.

there was another regular who came in that day also, stan.  everytime he comes in, he sees me, throws his arms in the air and screams "serena!" with such excitement.  same thing happened today, flawlessly.  we carried a conversation lke usual, hes a funny guy.  then he asks me the weirdest question ive ever been asked:  can i dream about you tonight?  i burst out laughing and said yes think it was a joke (and you know how loud i can laugh!) and he looks at me stone-faced.  i guess this wasn't a joke.  i then quickly say no after re-evaluating the situation.  he asks me again, making sure i awas ok with i.  i say no again, pretty bluntly.  he didn't get the picture.  i ask him what the dream would be about and he said "serena it'll be a good dream, no sex involved."  yeah, that happened.  i was like "oh my god you have got to be kidding."  he then says "well when i lay my head to rest at night and think of you, not something i can really prevent is it?" and i have to agree with him, he's right on that.  now im not sure if i was being harassed, but i kept my cool.  this was about a 5 min conversation, tiffany witnessed it all. i asked him what his wife would think about that, i find out he's had three wives, and hes divorced all of them.  so no wife to worry about this endeavor then i suppose.  eventually some customers came in and stan rushed off.  i was in disbelief that that actually happened.  i was creeped out, but more confused that happened.  oh, and fyi, he's 78 years old.

i swear only certain (and often weird) things happen to me.  this has been proven countless times this summer.  ah, the summer of 08.

you need to see this

A couple months ago, I read an interview in Time about this professor who gave his Last Lecture at Carnegie Mellon.  At first I was like "eh, whatever" but kept hearing about it. 

If you haven't heard about it, here's a synopsis.  It's about a professor, Randy Pausch, who is dying of pancreatic cancer.  It is a tradition at Carnegie Mellon for professors to give their Last Lecture about their lives.  Well, Dr. Pausch didn't do so.  His lecture was on achieving your dreams; about living.  It is a moving lecture, I wish I could experience such an engaging professor as he.  If you have the time, watch the entire lecture (76 min) at youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

or you can see him do a brief version of it on Oprah:

when i say you need to see it.  You really do.  Makes you think that you really can go for your dreams.  Some great quotes are said by him as well.

this is the kind of obituary i would like when i pass on:

http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20080704/news_1m4layoun.html 

it's for my cousin who i was named after who passed away a couple of weeks ago.  i wish i could have known her better.  i am so proud to bear her name.

YOU ARE LOVED.

so this is gonna be a long blog, but it is inspired by a recent Time Magazine article.  I read an article that's in this week's edition that profiles Gloucester, MA.  There is a crisis going on in this high school.  A group of 15 (and one 16) year old girls decided to make a pact to GET PREGNANT. When I read this I was stunned.  Kids are "that bored" they need to have kids to occupy their time?  It was a very well-written article I have to say, go check it out:  http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1815845,00.html?iid=sphere-inline-bottom.

What sickens me about this story is this; most of the girls were impregnated by their boyfriends, but one was by a 24 year old HOMELESS MAN. Serious.  You can't make this stuff up.  I was very happy to see that it was said in the article by a teen mother who did not condone the pact that the girls are doing this to be loved.  Why is that people do not have the self-confidence to believe that they are worth the wait?  There is always at least one person in someone's life that loves them.  People need to remember that YOU ARE LOVED.  You who are reading this, read that again.  When a friend of mine committed suicide, I was a wreck.  It wasn't because I was close to him, which I regret, but it was because of the situation itself.  It tore me inside knowing that he must've felt so alone and helpless to do that.  A friend (and actual ex-boyfriend) of mine was right there with me through the process and one day sent me the simple text message of "you are loved."  When I saw that, I broke down.  It's nice to be reminded of that sometimes.

MONDAY:
This was the first day of rehearsals.  For the first time in ages, and I would know since I've done the pageant 3 times now and danced as a Miss ND dancer before, the rehearsal was at the Old Armory and not at the dance studio.  They FINALLY figured out the studio does not have a/c in the summer.  It went pretty well.  I wish our production numbers were fun like they were when I was a dancer.  It's just walking around and some step-touch and arms.  Fun!  Just my opinion. 

My neck had been bothering me for a couple days, so when it came to Spa Night I took advantage of the masseusse (sp?) and got a neck massage.  It felt amazing, and she told me I really had done something bad to it.  Not good news.  Spa night is when we go to some rich person's house (to put it blatantly) and use their pool and house.  I also did the parafin (sp?) wax.  You should do that, it takes about 5 minutes and it's awesome.  Makes your hands feel great.  We also did some stuff but that is confidential to us state finalists :)

TUESDAY:
Rehearsals again!  It was pretty bad, we would get so ahead of schedule and just wait forever and ever.  We couldn't drive, we were chauffered, so we were stuck at the OA.  It was good because it provided an opportunity for us girls to get to know each other better.  We met our little sisters too.  The lil sis program is like the big brother thing, pageant-style.  They are our number one fan for the week and we are their heroes.  It's fun.  Mine's name was Tierra.  She was so cute I loved spending time with her.  She got me this basket full of toiletries - it was a great present.  Her mom was amazing - Tierra was nervous and wouldn't say anything to me, so Karen would say "Ask her ___" and then she would.  So cute!  My roommate, who got 1st RU!, and I chatted into the night.  She is an amazing individual and I'm so glad we roomed together.

WEDNESDAY:
MISS AMERICA COMES!  We rehearsed some more, and then headed off to the airport.  I have never seen so many people at the airport!  We were all in our yellow shirts and crowns with the lil sis's (mine came late but it's ok).  Kirsten Haglund, Miss America, was really down to earth.  Her entourage was huge though!  I have a video of it on my facebook profile, it was amazing.  Later that night we had the "welcome wagon" over at the james memorial library where it was a western-themed get-together with Miss A. Got a picture with her and chatted a bit.  Was pretty neat.  I was starstruck.  That's all I can remember of that day.

THURSDAY:
Ah!  What a day.  Started off with talent rehearsals.  The stage was MUCH BETTER than last year.  No fears of dying that's for sure.  Then I took a nap and got ready for my interview.  There was a baseball team from Rapid City staying in our hotel and were hitting on us.  Pretty funny.  I was the second-to-last interview.  I thought I did very well.  Renee Rogness, the judges' chair, told me I brought tears to her eyes.  I was the only contestant who had that effect on her!  That was a huge compliment.  Then it was go-time!  Miriam came and did my hair, and she was amazing.  That night went flawless, my onstage interview was great, people told me that too!  Talent.  WABAM.  That stage was mine that night.  I've done the Pink Panther 3 years now, and this was the first time EVER that the audience started clapping.  It was such an adrenaline rush I can't explain it.  It was a high really.  I couldn't go to sleep that night because I was so excited.  I got so many compliments from so many various people on my performance it was really humbling.

FRIDAY:
Yay for nursing homes!  I almost typed "funeral" instead of nursing.  I kept saying that too that day! My bad.  We went to The Kensington, which was nice since I had never been there before.  The girls with me sang and played piano, but I couldn't perform since I tap and the floor was carpeted and I had like a 2 square foot area.  I had some great cake - it was white with raspberry filling.  Yum!  Then we had our hostess luncehon at El Rancho.  I can't even explain what we do there; you have to be there to truly understand.  I have videos posted on my profile if you want to view.  That night I had swimsuit and evening wear modelling.  I heard I did well and felt the same.  Pretty boring night actually.  All the girls were excited to have their talents done and I wasn't.  I was the odd one.  The gala was that night, at another new location for pageant stuff: the commons area.  I prefer the OA.  It was so much fun you have no idea! just to dance around and de-stress was SO what I needed! 

SATURDAY:
What a day.  It was really emotional.  We had the awards brunch at Eagle Ridge, where I also hadn't been since they added the restaurant.  I got the Community Service award for my site I designed for the Miss ND organization.  It was cool because we got to visit with the judges one-on-one before the ceremony begun.  Never did that began.  Ashley gave a speech, which was very very good but hard to keep composure.  Very emotional.  After that was the ice cream social at First Lutheran (another new location for the pageant week).  My lil sis was late, which is fine.  Got to visit with Allayna, who I hadn't seen in a long time.  Nice to talk to someone outside of the pageant week-ness.  Went home for a while, where I attempted to take a nap.  I was so excited I coulldn't sleep though.  Went to the high school for last rehearsal and got ready again.  Evening wear went great, then top 10 announcements.  Oh my god I can't explain how I felt.  I was the last one to be called; some of the girls were looking back just staring at me waiting for my name to be called.  When they said my name I screamed, literally, into the air I was so nervous.  I stood in the line lookin like a fool with the grin on my face.  I couldn't feel my hands I was so tense.  I saw my mom motioning to me to calm down it was funny.  I had to get ready for swimsuit, which was fine.  Then talent.  I was the last one, save the best for last *wink wink*.  I rocked my talent again, the audience was so involved I loved it.  I felt like I was truly entertaining them.  Someone told me that the audience was the loudest after my performance.  Personally I think that's sad, you think after the naming of the new Miss ND the audience would be it's loudest, but that's what I heard.  Then I had to run like a mad woman (I almost face planted backstage from running in my tap shoes = not a good idea).  Then the moment came.  I was not in the top five.  I will say that I was robbed.  I could not look back on my performance in my events and which I had done something differently.  I stood there with the cheesy mouth open look I was that shocked.  I ran to the bathroom and just balled my eyes out.  I twas hard because you probably know how much time and effort I put into preparing for the pageant.  I felt like I didn't get a chance to really prove myself by not being in top 5.  It was so hard going into the dressing room, the girls came and hugged saying they understood, but they really didn't.  That's not to be rude, but they just don't know how I felt.  I had to go back onstage for the finale and coronation and was still tearing up.  Tears just fell down my face.  I could not compose myself, it was tough.  All I could think of was "i damn well better get talent award."  And well, I DID.  It was great to receive that award.  After the coronation of Tessie Jones, Miss ND 2009 (congrats again btw!) we had to take our photos.  I was still crying.  Many board members came and hugged me it was touching.  They all looked at me and said "I don't know.  I don't know what to tell you." and just teared up.  It was hard.  I came downstairs, looking for my family, and thank god for my father.  He came out of nowhere and whisked me away.  He took me to a place where we could be alone and I just sobbed.  It's the first memory I have of being held by him like that.  Sad, but true.  I cannot tell you what the felt to be held by him, it was *sigh*.  I then saw my mom and sister were both crying.  It was great to be hugged by them, I really needed that.  I was one of the last people to leave the caf because I was approached by so many individuals telling me how I was robbed.  It was so touching to know I had so many supporters.  The best was this one girl, can't think of her name, she came up to me and said "you are my hero! I want to be a great tap dancer like you one day!"  I just wanted to melt right then.  What a compliment to receive!!  It was hard when I had to see my dance teacher/mentor Jack Dyville.  He looked at me and said the same thing "I just don't know."  I heard that also from Annette, who I consider a great friend.  She is amazing.

That day has to be one of the most emotinally draining days I have ever endured.  Like Marian sadi the next day, it was like a really ba dbreak up.  I put so much into preparation, including my heart, that it was understandable why I was crushed.  I cried for the next couple days when I would see certain people or something like that.  It was tough.  But to be surrounded by so many people who support me made up for it.  What hurt me though, my pageant directors did not say one word to me; I didn't even see them after the pageant.

After was all said and done, I walked back up to the auditorium and just stood and look into the empty audience.  It is the first time in my performing career can I say that I left a part of myself on my stage.  I truly left my heart out there and was really vulnerable.  But it's a good thing.  Trust me.  I can't wait to feel that feeling agian after performing.  Any performers out there can relate.  It's such a unique feeling to really give it your all and have the audience respond in such a positive manner, really it is.

Will I do it next year?  I have no idea.  I need to just figure out my life right now.  Thank you for your support, really, and I hope I can repay you somehow.  I was reaffirmed in being loved by others and love you for being there for me.

life is so stinkin interesting. i cant get enough.

well.  since finals weeks, i have done nothing.  and this is not me over-exaggerating.  i literally have done nothing.  i got home to williston, and well, that was about it haha.  for two weeks i socialized with others, bummed around, made messes around the house, and did nothing.  but good news is this - i have a job finally.  you know for a town with so many jobs in it, it was hard figuring out where i was gonna work.  i was limited since i didnt want to work with food; anyone from applebee's understands me.

life, is interesting.  the comma was meant for a pause when reading haha.  dramatic touches ya know.  time and time again i am tested on how i know people.  there is someone this weekend that showed a dark side that i didnt really want/need to know of.  a comment was made on how that person cannot be seen in the same light again; which i find sad.  people are multi-faceted characters that they themselves dont even completely know.  so why do we get all in a tizzy when they act "out of the ordinary" from previously, observed behavior?  because life is just that damn sneaky.

its so damn sneaky it likes to throw curveballs at you when thres nothing else going on.  someone from the past came back in my life.  you guessed it, dan.  if you are reading this, you know who i am, and know how i am such a firm believer of fate  and how things that are meant to happen will happen.  this man, and i do mean man, has been thrust into my life on so many different occassions that i cant help but think "this is special, so unique, that i have to acknowledge it."  how we met each other and sustained contact is mindboggling.  people do come and go, i know this all too well, but why has he of all people consistently been a part of my life?  i cant help but think that he is indeed "the one" for me.  the way he says things really makes my heart jump.  we talked last week for the first time in months and for the last time in months (hes in africa now) and i am so happy it happened.  i am pissed that he brought those feelings back, but i am happy they are back.  his voice, wow, i cant explain the feelings i experience when i hear him.  he could be reading the phone book and i would be interested.  to an extent, well, because its a phone book he's reading.  but when he says "rena," which only him and 2 others refer to me by, i melt.  he shows so much care in his voice i just want to jump through the lines and reach him.  but we will see each other again, i just know it.

have you ever wanted something so badly it makes your body physically react? this is how i feel about becoming miss north dakota.  i really feel like it's my year, my time to take on the job.  i have put so much effort, time, (and yes, money) into this pageant because i feel that i am the one for this year.  i dont know.  i pray to god i get it, else i dont know. 

i need a massage, these couple of weeks have made me tense. or maybe i need to get hammered.  or both.  at the same time....?