| | I wrote this on Sat in the midst of thesis writing, after having had too much caffeine to sit still...keep in mind, this is stream of consciousness hijacked by caffeine.
I am so far behind right now - trying to do a project in three days that takes most people half a year.If I focused I could do it, but the focus isn't there. It's not that any one thing is distracting me either. If MHA wasn't there or MSN or even the internet at all, I'd still stare at the ceiling, the floor, go wash dishes, do laundry...anything but the paper.
I've had three cups of coffee and they have all hit me hard. On a rough day I normally have only one, not until two weeks ago did I ever have two within the same day, and those were nearly twelve hours apart. Three means I'm now walking around the apartment complex trying to work it off instead of writing.
I so very much want to be done with the thesis; I can see myself done, I just have trouble focusing on actually getting there. Unbeknown to most, I've *always* had this problem with large projects. My Senior trombone recital was the worst before now. Yes, I practiced daily, but I didn't work near as hard as I should have just because I wanted to be done.
I live so much in my own head, in realms of worlds and ideas that parallel reality at times, but never *are* reality.
I want to be done with the paper, I really do, I just can't seem to connect the dots.
I'm walking around the apartment complex after having had that much caffeine and starting at a computer screen for so long and I see without seeing. It's like having my eyes focused on the hidden picture within those Magic Eye prints rather than seeing the surface dots. It's an interesting phenomena, similar to what I experienced on those non-caffeinated undergrad days after staying up all night hastily completing the music history study guide and attempting to study for the test. Except then I didn't care about anything besides getting through the day enough that I could go back to the dorm and crash.
I think being *almost* done is a curse...at least for me.
I go and sit on the swings outside my building. I remember writing a Xanga entry last summer about feeling like a child after a bout on the swings. Little has changed since then, at least on some levels.
Yes, things are changing with law school and moving and such, but in many ways I am still waiting. I'm still questioning, still searching for many of the same things. So much has changed around me and yet so much of me has remained the same. But I don't feel like a child anymore, not with knowing the tasks ahead.
If I stare up at the sky I can see the imperfections in my contacts. I discovered that this fall when I laid down on the cement wall bordering the quad at WSU. I was working on the same paper I am trying to finish now, and an Ohio case I read really ticked me off - enough so that I wanted to heave my binder of cases across the quad. Instead I closed it and put it beside me and laid down and tried to physically relax myself. The relaxing part didn't work so well, but tracing the imperfections as I stared up at the sky made for a nice distraction. I can only do it when I'm tired enough that my vision isn't focused, pretty much the state I'm in now...
Break's over. Time to get back to work.
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| | Posted 5/10/2008 2:56 PM - 0 comments
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