so i am sitting here in the lobby of my college listening to two guys discuss the differences betwen wolves and dogs (with books and research- as i speak one of the guys is nodding his assent to a particularly relevant fact mmmhhhhmmmm in "Wolf Almanac") and the origin of carribean and hermit crabs- watching some other dude do the mario dance, and trying to concentrate on my OT assignment and it's not working.   oh....did i mention the boy who is barking in the cafeteria?? 

This whole situation is just one of many that i've experienced in these first three weeks of college, but of all i have gone thru, i've had a pretty fun time. However, to comemorate my experience, I have created a list, if you will, for all the college-ly un-savvy people aout there; specifically, the homeschool graduate.  be prepared.

10 PRECAUTIONARY STEPS FOR HIGHER LEARNING (for th' HOmsKool gradEEuate)

1.) Don't make eye contact- trust me it's just BETTER this way! Who knows if the person who just walked past you is a crazy jail assylum escapee bent on chasing you home or WORSE a creepy guy who won't leave you alone.

2.) NEVER smile- the saying that a cheerful face makes the day like lace...er..whatever....NO. don't give in. smiling gets you in trouble. frown and be down. besides...all the cool people do it.

3) if you like school- don't tell anyone. (hi homeschooler!)

4.) check xanga, facebook, myspace, the FBI, the CIA, police department and all other necessary law enforcement angencies to see if the person you're talking to is actually who you think they are. you might get a whale of a surprise. you never know.

5.) don't eat cafeteria food. blubbering, bouncing ham, soap flakes, and soggy carrots (No, they're not cooked ones!) DON'T make a healthful or nutritious meals.

6.) establish an emergency escape plan. no, i'm not talking fire or tornado...social skills people, social skills.

7.) keep it real. it is not cool to show up with yer che gevara shirt screaming about how God made the earth with a microwave and said, "wow, it's halfbaked." (i honestly heard someone say this.)

8.) protect your laptop- "OH WOW YOU HAVE INTERNET ACCESS!!!!! IF YOU JUST GO-LIKE THIS- YOU GET...ummmmm....such as...it's..... OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH FACEBOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

9.) Sleep is extinct- get over it freshman! besides..you can always sleep in class.... ha ha....ok no.

10.) If you have a highly sophisticated and developed  vocabulary...lose it. it's all "like..oh my gosh brittney....brandon like, broke his toe!"

***FOR GIRLS ONLY****
11.) learn and master the clench, punch, crunch. it's painful; it's intense; the dude is toast.

Well....have fun people. if you follow my college-ly un-savvy list, you'll have a hysterical time at college! make sure to have your camera handy! : )

i'm out

~LJ

so i had a slightly interesting situation at the grocery store the other day.....

since i have a very odd and deliberate fixation with running boring or otherwise dull errands, it is of no surprise that i signed myself up for purchasing the necessary ingredients to make a tortilla soup for my mom. very interesting right? sure, such a chore may appear to be in its very nature innocent, but  in reality is a strong and trioecious enemy. i am, of course,  referring to the infamous.....green chili.

i had never purchased a green chili before, but assumed, like any other good natured buyer, that such a purchase could not prove to be so difficult as all i needed to do was locate the appropriate section of the produce aisle, find the green chilies, put them in a bag, and leave. after all, i do cook and would surely be able to locate my chili like all the great cooks on food network. as i meandered over the produce section, i finally stumbled across a solitary bar from whence it was possible to discover that perhaps no seasoned cook had ever set eyes.  As i carefully poured over the endless containers of small, large, medium, and dried chilies, i began to have severe misgivings of ever having undertaken this task, for not only was there a tremendous cornucopia of the spicy delicacies, there also existed quite a variety of green colered ones. It seems so easy when paula deane and rachel ray show up to the local market, give a scoop as to why this chili is the best and go home to cook it! how was i to know which one was a normal cooking chili??? unable to bear the pressure of appearing as a ignorant cook, i quickly snatched the nearest green chili and sniffed it, as if by some miracle i could somehow distinguish between the myriads by means of olfactory differentiation.  seeing as this provided  little  assistance to my quest, i then attempted to look professional by my apparent inspection of the little vegetable and proceeded to thoroughly address said chili. nervously, i averted my "inisghtful" interrogation to take in the local buyers, noticed no one was noticing anything amiss, so i put the chile down, again staring blankly at this wretched shelf of vegetables and fervently praying to leave. i tried various other "methods" of somehow procuring the right chili and even considered buying the entire stock for convenience's sake, when, unbeknownst to me, a little sales clerk approached stating that he noticed i was having some 'difficulties with the chilies'. my embarrassed look of horror didn't seem to faze the man as i choked out, "uh....hi...um i've never bought chilies...um before.....uh....where are the normal green ones?" he casually pointed to these tiny little chilies on the middle of some dried jalepenos and assured me that these were the ones i was looking for. in stupefied chagrin, i thrust three enormous handfuls into the plastic bag as the man looked on, amused that his entire stock of normal green chilies was just purchased by an apparent imbecile. ahh...the joys of chili shopping.....

i think i shall leave to other unfortunate souls......hehe

*edit* i have been confronted by several people who have been greatly offended by this post. I would just like to clarify and explain the context. This quote is from the movie Mean Girls (i thought people would know that). The main character is a homeschooled girl, and at the beginning of the movie she starts out by showing that "homeschoolers are not deeply religious". There is then shown a picture of a hillbillies on top of hay stacks during their church service with a Jethro type character eating a piece of buckwheat with a rifle slung over his knee saying,

"And on the third day, God created
the Remington bolt-action rifle
so that Man could fight the dinosaurs.
And the homosexuals."

the congregation then responds,
- Amen.
- Amen.

It is really very hilarious because of the absolute absurdity of its content. I understand that as Christians we must show love to those who are living in sin, and this post was not meant to make fun of them at all. (if you were to read in more, this quote is entirely unbiblical in the sense that God wouldn't have needed to create any type of gun to fight off the dinasuars because the earth would have still been in its perfect state, so therein lies more reason to be offended.) I thought that it would be very obvious that it was a movie quote and not my own personal beliefs, but apprently they were not construed as such. I'm sory if ya'll were offended. I hope this clarifies.

lj

the heart:

who can know it's joy? no one can share its pain.