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| A year and a half later...
Life is beautiful, and wonderful, and indescribable. And yet, I am amazed at how suddenly the little troll can hop back onto my shoulder and starts whispering little (and not-so-little) taunts and promises... I would have thought that this eating disorder troll would have given up by now. Thankfully, the little troll doesn't speak for long--only 20 minutes later and he's already slowing down.
Triggers... Do you avoid the trigger? Or do you expose yourself to it and build up a resistance against it? A year and a half after I've stopped the eating disorder, and I still have panic attacks when I'm at the gym. Granted, I haven't been to the gym at all in that time period. I prefer to walk/run outside or do taebo videos. But it's freaking cold outside, and our new apartment has laminate floors that sing their creaks with every step taken. The gym seems like a viable alternative. And yet, in so many ways, it isn't.
Blah. People were exercising (for health) long before gyms were organized, so I'm sure I can find some way around this.
Update on my life: I got married in December. It was a BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT wedding. I couldn't have dreamed of anything better. I'm going to be an aunt in February. Most of my "free time" goes towards working on my thesis. I've applied to three Canadian medical schools, and should hear from them soon. And I just started a job as a pharmacy technician. Life is good.
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|  I would be writing about how I discovered tonight that I have matured apart from the people I was friends with in highschool. I could go into details about how the night went, and all the ways things aren't the same. But why dwell in it? I'm not who I was back then. I'll NEVER AGAIN BE who I was back then. Everything has changed. 
I still feel like I'm walking through a tunnel out of one life and into another. And along this journey, another door to the past just slammed shut. And once again, I'm realizing that my life is right now, and my hopes and dreams are in the future--NOT in the past. | | |
| I conquered the MCAT!!! My scores were such that I can apply to (though not neccessarily be accepted into) any of the medschools I want!      
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| Who will cry for me? I have more tears for everyone else than I used to have for myself. It hurt less when I couldn't see further than my own skin, fat and bone. I'm only now starting to realize how lucky I am. How hopeless certain places in life really are. How impossible the path out of hell can feel. How much it can hurt, especially when it isn't for yourself. Who will cry for me? I will. I already am.      
I'm a child. My home is in the street. I do not play, I beg for change to buy something to eat. I'm an orphan. Lost and alone. But the hunger in my belly can't touch the hunger in my soul. I'm an old man. Last year I lost my wife. The only friend I ever had. Might as well have lost my own life. I watch the tv to make time go by. And count the days that get closer to the day that I can die. I'm an unloved woman. My dreams have turned to stone. I give my body in the night so I won't have to lie alone. I numb my feeling with inexpensive wine. I've almost reached the point where I can numb them all the time. I'm a broken man. I search for peace. My lover gave me everything. He even gave me his disease. I'll join him in the grave. And I pray I'll never see the day the world thinks I gotta live. A need for dignity.
Who will cry for me? Who will cry? I'm a hypocrit. I bow my knee in prayer. Then I put my blinders on and stick my fingers in my ears. I walk into the room. I say: be warm and filled. And I wonder why God hasn't moved. And I wonder if He will. Who will cry for me? Who will cry? [Who will cry--Kate Miner] | | |
| So... here we are... I'm writing the MCAT on Thursday. It's like the SAT (or GRE), but for admission to medschool. Painful. My scores on the practice tests are exactly (aka: no wiggle room to get a lower score on the actual test) what I need to get into the medschools I plan to apply to. This is about the time where (in my past) I would try to find some way to self-handicap, or sabotage, my performance on the exam. Create a situation overflowing with excuses for why my scores can't be as high as I want. But I've come a long way. And I can do this now... God has given me back everything I had sacrificed to the eating disorder. I have no excuse for anything less than my best possible performance while pursuing the paths I feel Him calling me to. So I'm gonna lay it down. I'm gonna learn to trust You now. What else can I do? Cause everything I am depends on You. And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough. I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down.      
I've been looking till my eyes are tired of looking. Listening till my ears are numb from listening. Praying till my knees are sore from kneeling on the bedroom floor. I know that you know that my heart is aching. I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking. I don't think that I can carry the burden of it anymore. All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans, are slowly slipping through my folded hands. I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living. Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging. But You're pulling me out. I'm finally breathing in the open air. This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing. There's a new ray of hope, and now I'm believing that the past is past, and the future's beginning to look brighter now. Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands. So I'm gonna lay it down. I'm gonna learn to trust You now. What else can I do? Cause everything I am depends on You. And if the sun don't come back up, I know Your love will be enough. I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go, I'm gonna lay it down. [lyrics by Jaci Valesquez--Lay it Down] | | |
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