When words mean nothing

Sometimes it's painful when words have meaning,but not good meaning.But to me..it is more painful when words are empty,meaningless..left to make you sit there and think about the meaning when there is none.Sometimes I dont know what goes on in your head...I dont fucking want to.When the rest of the world can make you smile and I speak and make you silent..that hurts,weither you mean it to or not.When I walk away it's for play,but your not playing,and if you are it's a cruel game.Over and over.They say to give up and let it be.But it's not that easy..not with you and me.I cant breathe again,my chest hurts.I'm serious I cant breathe.But why waste my time on pain..I could die in 5 minutes..12 hours..6 days.I dont want the last thing I say to you..any of you be "I hate you" or just "goodbye"....one to simple the other a lie.I think I'm going to write letters to everyone..because I've been thinking about death a lot..I want to live and I need to be here.I have a purpose.But you never know..and like I said I dont want my last words to you to be "I hate you".Those words would mean nothing.

Soo..Ozzy.

Didnt get to meet him..like no one got to meet him.Only the winners or people that payed to see him.We met a lot of interesting people.We had passes to see Zombie,but the lady didnt come through and we didnt get to see him.I think Zombie was amazing,he came out into the crowd and was like 5 inches away from me.We were backstage part of his show,but mostly up front.John 5 was amazing,I got better pictures of Zombie than I did In This Moment, and I didnt even have a photo pass for him.They were pretty much assholes there.I had a photo pass and VIP and they wouldnt let me back with Red.But Ozzy is getting to old,he was good and all but he had troubles hitting the high notes.He looks like a little kid on stage,I loved it when he would jump up and down and clap his hands.I think though the best part of Ozzy's part was Zakk.He was right in front of Red and I,I felt really bad for him because he looked like he was going to cry the whole time.I respect him from what I've heard of him and I would love to meet him.But he isnt an idol and I dont think he is the BEST guitarist.But he is excellent and they all put on an amazing show.It was really short though.In This Moments bassist and guitarist are really nice guys.Even though I wasent supposed to I took video's of Zombies performance.My camera sucks,but it looks like a phone so I got away with it.I'm uploading some of the best pictures I took.yupyup.

Today was boring.

I've learned a lot about myself in this past week.

Not without you.

Currently Listening In Love and Death By The Used Let It Bleed,Cut up Angles & All I've Got see related

My first debate & other thoughts..

I was thinking about the first time I ever got into a debate with anyone.It was when I was in the third grade.My teacher told us that dogs didnt love and didnt have souls.I told her I thought that was stupid.That I knew my dog loved me and that I loved her and that everything has a soul.She thought it was stupid and kept telling me it wasnet true,my friend Jaden back me up.But all the other kids were brainwashed into believeing what she wanted them to..not thinking for themselves.But we were nine years old.

I feel so much more comfortable.I love myself,for the most part.I dont think that I'll ever learn to love every bit of me..I dont think anyone does.I've learned that life is to short..to short to spend it fighting with the person you love the most,or fighting at all...with anyone.I've also realized that the reason I havent given up on you is because I do truly love you.I dont know how to describe love.But I have felt it..I know how it feels and I feel it now.I feel so much more open..to say what I feel and think.Not everything I feel and think,because that wouldnt leave any room to change my mind.But most everything.Your worth every bit of time I have to give and every bit of love I have to give.Your worth it all.We all decide what we want to feel like...act like.When I want to feel like shit,I feel like shit.When I tell myself that I'm mean and a bitch.I become mean and bitchy.I control it all..we all control it.If you disagree...go watch "What the *bleep* Do We Know".
So from now on...I choose to be nice and open,I choose to feel beautiful and wanted,smart and talented..with my own place in this crazy world.A place no other can fill.

This album brings back memories.

Ozzy tonight.

your jealous.yup.

When it's someone you dont know..you have no problem being mean...cruel even.You dont stop to think that what your saying or doin could brake them...you dont know how there has been going..if they are bullied or a bully.But no one cares enough to think about it.It's pretty sad that we can judge someone off of what they look like.I'm not saying I dont..because I do..everyday.I wish I didnt and I'm trying to change that as much as I can.

today was bad...

numb.

I was going to go home around 5th hour because I felt dizzy and like I was going to throw up everytime I shut my eyes...the room kept spinning and I kept falling over.The whole day was pretty much a blur.I felt like I felt that one day at Brittany's only I hadent been drinking.My mom didnt answer though and I was forced to stay at school feeling like complete shit.He wasent there today..but I was to numb to feel it much.I went through the whole day like a ghost...floating about the hallways.Talked to some people that I dont get to talk to much usually and it felt really good.I'm even more confused now though.People say that it only gets worse..and I believe that..but I dont ever want to give up,and I wont.I dont know..I'm starting to feel a little better,my head is still spinning though.I talked to this guy..about my life and how I was having trouble making choices and that it was really getting to me...he made a lot of sense.I'm really glad I talked to him today.I think I'll listen to what he said.I kind of had a big break down last night.Even though my brother is out..the things that I hate him doing he isnt going to stop and is already looking for his next fix.I havent been able to sleep well.He was mad at me last time I talked to him and things are confusing.And this whole school thing..is stupid.But I will go to school and deal with it.I know that I cant just run away from it all.Sometimes I wish I could though..even for a day.

Trans Siberian tonight.

Ozzy tomorrow.

Sunday....hopefully him.

"Thanks for trying to be an excellent person and daughter,I love you my one and onlydaughter...menigirl.I'm proud of you.

DAD"

I hate how messed up I am.

EDIT::

Tonight was horrid.But it turned out wonderful.Things are difficult and will always be.But I am trying to be stronger.Things are going to start looking up for me..us.I swear it.Iloveyou.

Didnt go to Trans Siberian.Felt to sick.Tyler came over instead.Made me feel tons better.I still wish I could go to that though.

Ozzy...pretty much is going to be amazing.But the thing that sucks is I'll only get to meet him if we see him backstage.But I still might get to meet Zakk Wyled.

lets get a little fucked up.

So...today is pretty much the shittiest day of this week.

I've been feeling weird since I got to school..at 7am.

I've been shaking and twitching all day.

I cant stay awake.

I've been jealous all day..all week.

Not to mention I'm the reason for someones anger.

Even though I didnt do anything wrong...to me I didnt..they wont tell me though.

I am subject to change my mind and I should be able to do so without people gettting mad at me.

I havent changed my mind though...

pressing your lips to a cigar is nothing...I didnt even put my lips around the whole thing.

I dont want to smoke..I think it's gross.

But I should be able to be curious about the taste.

The good thing about today is my brother got out...

everything else is shit...

just fucking shit

and it all started around like after 2nd hour.

I would usually have cried on a day such as this...

but I'm so twitchy that I cant think and my stomach hurts.

We figured out who broke into his apartment...

some black guys....

Orlando and Mouse.

I think I'm going to pick out my clothes for tomorrow..

take my sleeping pills..take my shower..

and pass out.

heavenly being..

let tomorrow be okay..

please let tomorrow be okay...

please let me breath...smile and mean it.

When the world seams so cold,

I'm here to make you bold.

When you want to cry and turn away,

I'll make you smile,make you stay.

When all you want it out,

I'll give you hope,no more doubt.

When you come to me,

I'll give you my heart,help you see.

and when you die...

you die with me.

I'm not mad...

your mad though.

I'm  not sorry.

I'm not trying to be a hypocrit(sp) or a bitch.

after now I'm trying to forget it even happened..

I "pray" you do the same.