temporary's Xanga

page 33

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 14:39:21 GMT

"I believe like a child that suffering will be healed and made up for,

that all the humiliating absurdity of human contradictions will vanish like a pitiful mirage, like the despicable fabrication of the impotent and infinitely small Euclidean mind of man,

that in the world's finale, at the moment of eternal harmony, something so precious will come to pass that it will suffice for all hearts, for the comforting of all resentments, for the atonement of all the crimes of humanity, of all the blood that they've shed; that it will make it not only possible to forgive but to justify all that has happened."

Dostoevsky, Brothers Karamazov

(damn, knew I should've gotten further in it...)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:38:29 GMT

luke 13:6-9

6Then he told this parable: "A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. 7So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, 'For three years now I've been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven't found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?'

8" 'Sir,' the man replied, 'leave it alone for one more year, and I'll dig around it and fertilize it. 9If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.' "

- - -

i think it's been 3 years, or at least 2 and counting...

reading diary & etc.

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 04:25:26 GMT

"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration." - pp. 80 "Born Standing Up"

day 51 of year

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 07:40:32 GMT

- went to "deal night" held by redeemer's entrepreneurship initiative. GULP. time to wake up about what real business is.
- took out my drawing pad and planned to procrastinate. bad habit.
- brushed my teeth at 3am only to eat cereal again at 6am.
- are capitalized sentence commencer characters too formal. i suppose i think so.
- fever is gone but the back of my throat feels a bit raw. if i had been playing NES or SNES back in the day, my throat is as flinchy as my left thumb fold.
- i feel and taste something vile in the back of my throat too. is it just the flesh?
- i found out last week i am O+ blood type.

Almost 40% of the population has O+ blood
Patients with Type O blood must receive Type O blood
About half of all blood ordered by hospitals in our area is Type O
Type O blood is the universal blood type and is the only blood type that can be transfused to patients with other blood types
Only about 7% of all people have Type O negative blood
Type O negative blood is the preferred type for accident victims and babies needing exchange transfusions
There is always a need for Type O donors because their blood may be transfused to a person of any blood type in an emergency

- tiff says she thinks she is B+.

- my unemployment payments are complete. time to find work again.
- i don't want to be a drag to society. but how do i willfully live for others at every moment. i am selfish. so are a lot of people, but that doesn't matter, i can only control myself. or at least i'm supposed to; i don't feel like i allow for discipline and change sometimes.

- it's time i go into my mind. i walk in as the Me I am today, the Me I saw in the mirror a couple minutes ago. I have to open the gate to our front yard. Child Me is pacing around grumpily, dashing at the sandy floor with his brown sandals. I'm getting a bit sleepy but I have to take him in. The child protests. He is unhappy, feels very neglected, and knows that the summer afternoon of his youth has been wasted and baked stale. There was no fun to be had in the cement front yard, only brooding like a simmering pot. I have to make myself go through with it. Neither the child nor I want to do it. I have to tell him to reach into the back pocket of his little yellow swimming trunks and take out the lone key that is looped by an old bread twisty tie. Dust off the lint from the inside of the pocket that has only been damped by your sweat and the last specks of sand from the last beach visit. Yes, put it in, you can tip-toe up, good child. Yes, mother is in the backyard still, has been all day, and maybe she is taking a nap, but now it is time for you to go upstairs. Yes, today is Sunday, a special day for all the hard working families on the block. The air is cold in the house, the bamboo board planks on the floor are smooth like marble, but not that cold. Walk up the nineteen steps up, and avoid the creaky spots. The sun is gone now, and everything is dark. Be a good boy. But, you ask, what do i need to do to be a good boy? i do all my homework. i eat everything i'm told to. i am nice to all the other kids when we play out in the street. but i don't like being alone. well, i say, i'm not sure pal. i came back to set you straight, to help the next Me, but i guess i can't teach myself a lesson i haven't learned yet. i'm sorry buddy. i'll come back again. things will get better, at least that's what all the Mes think. i'll be back. just keep doing what you're supposed to. i walk away a bit quickly, because it is a shadowy second floor with no illumination except for the orange street lamp directly in front of the house. mother is watching television in the back. the air is cold and none of the baking warm air from the day hangs around, it rather ride off with the proud sun. the young Me is not happy, and he is not any sadder than he already was. i have a film of disgust in my mouth and i spit saliva into the grass as soon as i exit the threshold of the house. i know the young Me is curling up on top of the covers of his bed right now. We shall take action some day.

2/18 - Week 8 of the year

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 03:57:20 GMT

- conflict of self's desire to be known, but not known by too many to be judged.
- just have to keep writing
- Start writing in complete sentences. Help reader know...
- Solidify your words is forcing your thoughts into structure. Structure is good.
- Kind of sick. Woke up in the middle of the night and didn't put the sheets back on.
- Is it feed a cold, starve a fever? I think I have a fever and body aches.

- Got another B- from the very ordinary and unprofound english teacher. Making me realize I need to have action in my life. My plays have no movement, it is all attitudes. I draw very lightly with my pencil. I must learn to put my thoughts into action. Harder to do than say, but I will start.

- I don't think I can be a writer.

a solemn stalemate comes to a close

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 04:41:41 GMT

It's true that the human nature in us refuses the truth very often for some despairing escape from responsibility and the laws of life. We draw out and continue to madly and slowly knit our situations with threads of reticence. Dare not reveal a pattern of bitterness, but the picture that is formed is - - devoid of virility. Whether we wear our garments of fallen expectations or put them in dark storage, it is part of us, inescapable, and to run away from the shirt on our back is the same madness that created us.

Debit card arrived. another sentiment shipped off.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 03:02:51 GMT

- aim of man is balance.

a little 12/7 kind of mind

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 04:22:27 GMT

- i'm a clumper, so i will write while i still can.

- jimmy ross first true love affair has gotten an extra star, going from 3 to 4 stars on my itunes. i'm a good fickle.
- Sweeney Todd got 1 star on my IMDb list. i did not like the musical movie, even for $0. free has lost its value to me.
- been investing in stocks for like 2 years now, but only now am i learning about all the digits to valuate them. meh, it's ok i guess... gives me something to do for now.
- foods from my youth:
chef boyardee ravioli & spaghetti (not a great memory, just sustenance).
cadbury fruit & nut chocolate bars (from my uncle ben).
- i imagine that sin as a human condition cannot be blamed; but if i were a person of influence and my mistakes and misjudgments ballooned into stains of cultural history, that would suck. yes, i still think in negatives... not so good.
- the internet is both skin deep and invasive.
- re: childhood foods. we return to our childhood tendencies whether it was pleasant or not. familiarity is comfort, even if the familiar itself is not totally enjoyable. that's one piece of my cage.
- if i am already dabbling in structured procrastination, i must master it perhaps.
- hard to admit, but i probably do compare myself to some sort of "standard". and actually, i fall short of standards, so it just looms over me. kind of need to stop and just adhere to god's standards, but that is very anti human nature. not what you see.
- ye nice dried booger. (not in dictionary auto correct).
- i use the pinky. (not in dictionary auto correct).
- right nostril.
- outer wall.
- does boiling water really do anything beneficial, since i'm more worried about removing chemical additives, such as fluoride?

for now.

on my mind 12/1/07

Sat, 01 Dec 2007 05:59:23 GMT

- xanga is so dead
- thinking about how school will be when i go back. bit disappointed, but eh, life, w/e.
- how can i better my game decisions. will i be able to?
- what do i want in life, what do i want to accomplish in life
- i'm glad i'm with tiff, but sometimes i feel sad about peter. i'm sorry. but i don't think he will ever forgive me.
- i wonder who will read this. am i revealing too much. damn internet updates. w/e, ef it.
- i have to stop being nocturnal because messing up my circadian rhythm will give me cancer. why does fear [of cancer] make me want to be better. is that sad. yes it is.
- will i perpetually be a self-saboteur? because i am accustomed to live only in desperation and not inspiration?
- why can't i write. could i ever write. i don't know, it's creeping up on 10 years. wow a decade. sigh.
- am i a man. don't i have any balls and determination and self discipline?
- auto-spell-under-squiggly-red-line is good.
- man, 2nd year i choked on nanowrimo. i'm a choker. a quitter. an abandoner.
- i have a persistent cough.
- i am a loner but i dislike living alone. tiff is my home.
- i like tiff's rabbits, but i bother jlo.

- ok side track, and i still don't feel like sleeping.
- wonder how tinx is doing.
- what to do with impending finances. how to invest.

- w/e, sign off for now.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Wed, 23 May 2007 01:16:03 GMT

Dope... heard the original on an anti-advertising youtube, then stumbled across the Badaptation.

Check out this sad editorial also:
A Dream Lay Dying

I'm going to try to write a reply to the author.